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I shrugged and looked away. "I don't know."
"It's a simple question. It's a yes or no answer."
I laughed once, but it was bitter. "You should know better than anyone that it's not a simple question. You know how I feel."
Her head fell forward. "I'm sorry," she said.
"Me too."
"Amanda?" She looked up now. "You can't tell Ethan he's back. And you sure as hell can't tell him that you've been seeing him."
I reared back, surprised at her words. "What are you talking about?"
"How do you not see it? Ethan hates Logan. Like, hates hates him. As in—and these are his words, 'If I ever see that asshole again, I'm gonna lay him out.'"
I looked at her. "He's never said that shit to me."
It was her turn to roll her eyes. "Of course he hasn't. He hates bringing him up with you." She sighed. "Look, I don't say this to hurt you . . . but Logan—he fucked up. And Ethan—he was the one to pick up the pieces. And not just the last time, but the first time, too. He forgave him once, but that's it for him. He can't do it again." She paused for a few moments. I wondered if she was done, but she kept going. "You know how much sleep he lost over you?"
I opened my mouth to speak, but she stopped me.
"I'm not saying that he blames you, or that he's bitter about it. I'm just saying that he cares that much. Since your dad left, he's somehow convinced himself that it's his job to take care of you and your mom. You know he used to text me in the middle of the night at random times? He could hear you crying in your room, and he'd ask me what to do—whether or not he should go in and comfort you. You know how many times he called me when you were having nightmares, and he could hear you screaming? You're not the only one that went through that, Amanda. He did too.
"You don't think he has issues? Or that he doesn't hurt? He walked in on some guy nearly raping you. You know that you blacked out? That he tried to wake you? He thought you were dead, Dim. He thought he lost you that night. And in a way, he kind of did."
My eyes were wide. They'd begun to fill with tears. "Oh my God . . ." I breathed out. I'd been so selfish. So lost in my own feelings.
She wrapped her arms around me. "I'm sorry that I told you."
I lifted my head. "I needed to know."
She nodded in agreement. "You did." She moved the hair away from my face and made sure I was looking at her. "Whatever you choose to do with Logan, I'm going to support you. But just remember Ethan in all of this, okay?"
I swallowed, sniffing back the tears.
Ethan called out for her, interrupting us. She got up quickly. "Are you going to be okay?" I couldn't speak. I lifted my head in a nod. She smiled sadly.
"Babe," he yelled out again.
"Coming!" She patted my head and then left.
Logan
I knocked on the door, ignoring the memories that came with this house. No one answered. I knocked again, and looked around. Her car was the only one in the driveway.
After five minutes and four series of knocks, she finally answered the door. The chain lock stopped it from opening fully. "Hey," she said quietly. "What are you doing here?"
"Can you open the door? I can't see you."
She closed it, and a second later I heard her toying with the chain. When she opened the door, I was able to take in her state. She was in her pajamas, her eyes red, and her hair a mess. "Were you sleeping?" I asked.
She shook her head. "What's up?" she asked quietly, avoiding eye contact.
"Are you okay? You look like you've been crying."
She looked over my shoulder. "I'm fine," she said. "What's going on? What do you want?" Her tone was flat; it caused me to take a step back.
Honestly, I didn't know what to expect, but I wasn't expecting this. "I uh . . ." I rubbed my palm across my jaw, and then placed my hand in my pocket. It had started shaking again. "I thought that maybe you might wanna hang out, or something."
She bit her lip, her eyes cast downwards. "I don't think so, Logan. Actually, I don't think it's right that you be here—or anywhere, really. I mean—I can't stop you from existing, but I don't think you and me—I don't think it's a good idea that you and I exist together."
"Oh," is all I could say.
"Take care," she said, before closing the door in my face.
No thump.
Just flatline.
14
Logan
Four days.
Four.
That's how long it took for me to go insane without her. How I went a year? I have no idea.
Amanda
You know when you're a kid, and you play hide and seek, but you're too young to fully understand the concept of it? So you stand in the middle of a room and close your eyes and think that somehow, because you can't see anyone, it means they can't see you? Well, that's what I was doing now. Only I wasn't a kid, and no one was looking for me. Regardless, I sat in the middle of my bed with my eyes closed and my phone in my hands. Yes, I was hiding from my phone.
Alan had texted me more than an hour ago saying he was looking forward to dinner tonight. I knew that it was our night, but a part of me had wished that maybe Logan had said something to him, and that he wouldn't expect me over there anymore.
