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"That's what you pictured our lives to be and I can't give you that. How can we be together? How can I stay with you knowing that I can't give you what you've always wanted? How?" Her voice is strained by the power of her cries.
She can barely speak.
I can barely hear.
"I have to live with that, Cam. I have to live with the fact that I'm the reason you don't get your dream. And I can't do it. I'm sorry, but I can't."
I wipe my eyes with my sleeve and look at her. And that's all I do. Because I don't have the words. I don't have the strength.
"I'm right, Cam."
I shake my head.
"It's okay," she says. "You're allowed to be mad at me."
"Shut up," I clip.
She cries harder.
"None of this shit means anything without you. You think those dreams make sense without you, Lucy? You're making up lies in your head because you're a coward. I've tried to be with you every day since the miscarriage. I would've been right there, right next to you. You pushed away. You didn't want me there. Don't use this as an excuse. If you don't want me—if you don't love me anymore—if it's too hard for you, say it!"
"It is! It's too hard! You deserve to have that! You deserve to be with someone that can give you that. Maybe you should go be with Roxy!"
And at her words, I lose it. Completely lose it. A rush of anger washes through me. And before I can stop myself, I've lifted the frame in my hand and thrown it against the wall.
She screams, a scream so loud it makes my ears ring. "NOOOO!"
She's kneeling on the floor now, with the shattered frame in front of her. "I HATE YOU!"
"Fuck." I try to get to her, to kneel next to her but she pushes me away. "Lucy, I'm sorry."
"Fuck you!" she bawls. "This is all I had, Cameron. This was everything to me. This was our forever and you ruined it."
"Baby."
I'm a mess.
I fucked up.
My head whips to the sound of the door opening. Lucas walks in with the rest of her brothers. "What the f—" he cuts himself off. "Jesus Christ, Lucy, you're bleeding."
I turn back to Lucy, who's frantically trying to pick out the sketch from the frame and cutting her fingers on the glass. I don't think she even feels it.
"Lucy, stop," I whisper, grasping her wrists.
She looks up at me. Her eyes narrowed. But I see it clearly. There is no calm. Just the storm. "GET OUT!" She pushes my shoulders until I fall back. "GET OUT!" she yells again. She pounds against my chest with her closed fists. "I HATE YOU! GET OUT!"
I do nothing. I sit on my heels and let her hit me. Let her yell. Let her get angry.
Lucas's arms wrap around her chest and lift her off the ground. "Just go, Cam."
"What's happening?" a tiny voice says. Lachlan's crying in Leo's arms.
"Cameron, you need to leave," Lucas says again.
I wipe my face on my forearm, and take one more look at her. "Forever, Luce."
And then I do what everyone wants.
I leave.
-LUCY-
Lucas sets me on the floor of my bathroom and squats in front of me. "You okay, Goosey?"
I nod, even though it's a lie and he knows it.
"I know it's not fair, but Lachlan's out there. He's freaking out."
I squeeze my eyes shut and take slow breaths, trying to settle my emotions. "I'm fine," I tell him.
He opens the cupboard under the sink and pulls out a box of Band-Aids. He takes my hand in his and examines the cuts I didn't know were there. "You wanna talk about what happened?" he asks, applying the first Band-Aid.
"I can't do it, Lucas. I don't think I can be with him—not when I know how badly he wants kids."
His eyes move to the sketch, now stained with my blood.
"You think maybe that's his choice, not yours?"
"You know Cameron," I mutter. "You know he's always going to stand by me, even when he shouldn't. He won't leave. I have to make him. I have to make him hate me so he gets what he deserves. It's wrong. But it's right."
He shakes his head, applying the third and final Band-Aid. "I don't agree with you, Luce. But it's your life." His eyes move to the living room. "You should shower, get cleaned up and changed. Come out when you're ready. The boys are here to see you. They're worried."
"Did you tell them?"
"No. You asked me not to and I haven't. But one day you'll have to. You can't hide forever."
*
I get out of the shower and stand naked in front of the full-length mirror, focusing on the fresh scar that runs under my belly button. The eternal, ugly reminder of what my forever can't be.
I close my eyes, remembering all the times Cam stood behind me, right here, with his arms around my now damaged waist. My eyes prick with bitter tears. 'You're so beautiful,' he'd say in my ear. 'I'm so damn lucky, Luce. And I'll never forget it.'
I push back the sob threatening to escape. He's not lucky. Not at all. Not anymore.
Running a hand down my pajamas, I fake a smile into the mirror, and carry it all the way to the living room.
And then I let out a loud gasp.
I cry.
And I laugh.
"Story time, Goose," Lucas says.
