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“Your card’s been declined,” the clerk behind the register said.
My heart stopped. “What?”
She shrugged. “Sorry.”
I took out my wallet and fished around for cash. I had a twenty but that wouldn’t cover what I needed. I looked at the formula, wipes, and diapers sitting on the register, trying to decide which one I needed less. “Take out the wipes.”
She shook her head. “Still not enough.”
I ignored the grumbles from people in the line behind me. My heart was thumping now, finally cracking under the pressure. “I need the formula and diapers,” I pleaded with her, knowing it was useless.
She shrugged again. “Sorry.”
She wasn’t sorry. She didn’t give a fuck.
“Fine. Just the formula.”
I walked to my car in a complete daze, wondering what the hell else I could possibly do. I searched the diaper bag in the trunk of Hunter’s car, hoping Natalie may have hidden an emergency stash. Nothing. I searched my plastic bag of clothes and found an old T-shirt. I looked from the shirt, to Tommy, and back again. And then I had no choice but to use it as a diaper. I had no idea how to wrap it, or what to do, and this wouldn’t last long before he needed to be changed again.
I needed money.
And I needed it fast.
Then I saw it—hiding beneath Tommy’s port-a-crib. My IXO longboard. I’d saved up almost a year just to drop $1500 on it. I’d used it to compete in street comps. It was my pride and joy pre-Tommy.
I pulled it out without a thought and finished dressing him, then walked to Deck and Check, the skate shop two doors down from the grocery store.
“I’ll give you fifty for it,” Aiden said from behind the glass counter.
“Bullshit, Aiden, you know what this is worth.”
Aiden leaned forward to examine the board again. “I get it, Josh. But the punks around here—they don’t care for this kind of shit. Only you do.”
Tommy started crying.
I tried to soothe him.
Aiden added, “You’re the only one around here that knows what this is worth. I don’t want it for myself, and I can’t sell it. I’ll give you a hundred.”
I felt my heart tighten. Another crack. Tommy cried harder.
“Aiden, please!” I begged. “A hundred won’t cover his diapers. I need diapers. I need gas. I need a place to fucking sleep tonight. You gotta help me out, bro. Please.”
Aiden stood taller. “I feel for you, Josh, but this is my business. One fifty. That’s it.”
Tommy was wailing now.
I dropped my gaze. “One fifty will barely get me a hotel room.”
“I’m sorry.” He wasn’t.
“Fine.”
I took his cash and in return, I said goodbye to my old life.
I bumped into someone waiting behind me, apologized, and walked out the doors to my uncertain future.
I took three steps around the corner and into an alley. And then I finally let the cracks from the pressure break me.
I placed Tommy, in his car seat, on the ground and I cursed.
I kicked the brick wall.
And I broke some more.
Tommy cried louder.
I slid down the wall until I was next to him and pulled him out of the seat and into my arms. Rocking him. Soothing him.
And I cried—tasting my tears mixed with his sweat on his forehead as I kissed him. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry. Daddy’s gonna make it okay. Daddy isn’t going anywhere, okay? I’ll never leave you. Never. I promise.”
I wiped my eyes and nose with the sleeve of my hoodie and tried to calm down. But we were both crying, and his cries made me cry harder, because as much as I promised to make it right—I had no idea how to.
Then the strangest thing happened.
The tiniest ray of sunlight shone between the two buildings. The strength of it causing Tommy to flinch, then open his eyes, long enough to possibly see the outline of my face.
He stopped crying.
I stopped crying.
Then something dropped next to my feet. My longboard.
“What the…”
I looked up.
An old lady was smiling down at me. She had dark skin, like she came from an exotic island somewhere. “You need gas money? I need a young man to help me shop for groceries and give me a ride home.” She had an accent.
I sniffed and stood up, Tommy still in my arms. Then I looked down at my board. “What? How did—”
“Let’s go.”
“Wait…”
“What are your names?” she asked.
“Joshua.” I lifted Tommy slightly. “This is my son Tommy.”
She raised her arms, her eyes soft and pleading. There was a hint of pride in her expression—the way my mom used to look at me before everything went to shit. For that reason, I felt safe enough to hand over the only thing that mattered to me. She smiled warmly and looked down at my son. “He’s beautiful.” She motioned her head toward the car seat and my board. “Don’t forget your things. Let’s go.”
“Wait,” I said again, picking up the items off the ground. “W-what’s your name?”
“Chazarae.”
I followed her around the store while she did her grocery shopping. She kept her hold on Tommy and asked me to collect things for her cart. She said, “I have my niece staying with me next week. She has a newborn, like Tommy. So get what you think I’ll need for the baby.”
