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Her eyebrows draw in and she pouts as she tries, in vain, to loosen the belt. Then she curses under her breath and her eyes lift from the belt to my face. “I…” she trails off.
“You what?” I pant.
“Is this… I don’t know. Is this weird?”
“You want to stop?”
She grimaces slightly and nods.
“Thank God!” I yell, letting her out from under me.
She sits with her ass on her heels and bubbles out a laugh—one I haven’t heard in a long time. “I’m sorry.”
“No. Please, don’t be sorry.” I move so my back’s against the bed and yank on her hand to bring her closer to me. “I think maybe we, or at least me, hyped up the sex thing so much in my mind and everyone made a big deal out of it—”
She gasps. “Who’s everyone?”
“No. Just Robby and Kim. They gave me all this stupid advice and a ridiculous amount of condoms it made me so nervous and I almost felt like if we just get it out of the way it wouldn’t be so bad. But that’s not why I brought you here. I just wanted some time with you, you know? Away from the everyday mundane stuff.”
“One,” she says, “I’m glad about the condoms even though I’m protected, I’m sure you want that piece of mind. And two: I get it. Completely. And thank you for thinking of me. I think I really need this.”
“Good, babe. I’m glad. And also—I’m starving.”
“You want to head out or get room service?”
“Room service,” I tell her. “I don’t want to share you with anyone tonight.”
We order food and when it comes, we set ourselves up on the table in the corner of the room and dig in. “I feel so grown up right now.”
“You are grown up,” she says.
“Sometimes. When I’m in Dad mode I am, but I’ve done some stupid immature shit,” I admit.
She rolls her eyes. “Like what? Let Tommy go to bed without eating his vegetables?”
I lean forward. “You think you know me?” I joke.
She smiles. “Seriously. Like what?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “Like get drunk and smoke weed.”
“You smoked weed?”
I nod. “Don’t judge me.”
“No judgment here, but why’d you stop? Me?”
“No.” I set my fork on my plate and lean back in my chair. “The last time I did, I was with Hunter and Chloe, and the cops busted us.”
“You got arrested?” she almost yells.
“Almost. You know how they say your life flashes before your eyes right before you die? It was kind of like that and all I could see was Tommy and what would’ve happened if I’d been caught. I remember fearing that they’d take him away from me because I was irresponsible and Hunter—he must’ve seen the fear because he took the bag from me just as the cops walked up.”
“He took the blame?” she asked, her eyes wide.
“He would’ve if Chloe didn’t step up.”
“So Chloe copped it?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
I lean forward now, my forearms resting on the table. “Chloe—she’s had a complicated life. Before Hunter came along she kind of chose to be invisible. She took the blame for me because she didn’t believe she had anything to lose. I had Tommy, Hunter had his Duke scholarship and she—she had the road.”
“What’s the road?”
“It’s nothing,” I say, but my words come out harsher than intended.
Becca eyes me sideways and clears her throat. “It’s obviously something.”
“I don’t know, Becca. I don’t really like talking about it.”
“I’m so confused right now.”
I rub the back of my neck in frustration, but her eyes stay on mine.
“What does Chloe’s road, or whatever, have to do with you?”
“It’s not—” I break off with a sigh and try to piece together my thoughts. “So Chloe had this plan after she graduated, she’d just take off and hit the road and never look back. Like I said, her life was complicated and, if you ask me, she was running away. And Hunter—he just dropped everything—forgot everything else, and left with her.”
“So, you’re mad at Hunter for leaving?”
“No. I’m jealous of Hunter for being able to do that,” I finally admit. “I’m bitter because he could so easily just drop everything and follow his heart.” I pause to take a breath, my mind reeling. “And I can’t—” I blurt out.
“But why would you need to?” she cuts in. “I get that having Tommy means you can’t just go on some random road trip but why? Was there a girl?”
“I don’t mean a girl,” I assure her. “I mean skating.”
“Oh.”
“Becca, please don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t love Tommy or that I wouldn’t move heaven and earth for him because you know me, and you know I would,” I rush out. “It’s just I think about Hunter leaving and I get jealous and bitter that he could just do that—without a single care in the world. And I hate that I feel that because he’s my best friend and I’m happy for him. But sometimes I wonder, you know? Sometimes I go out there and skate till my feet hurt and my cheeks are numb from the pressure of the wind around me and I miss it. I’ll keep missing it. And I wonder if I’m any good at it—like, good enough to compete. But then I remember Tommy and remember that’s not my life or anything close to it. And I get angry and then afraid that that anger will show one day when I look at Tommy and that’s the last thing I want.”
