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“Toys don’t talk, silly,” he tells her, and even through all the nerves and anxiety of what’s about to happen, I manage to smile.
I drive to the courthouse, my mind on Tommy sitting in the sandpit in his daycare and I remember the day that started all this—the day with Becca and the stupid sandpit. I remember their matching pouts as they looked up at me because we forgot the sand and in that moment I knew that I’d pretty much do anything to make them happy—both of them. She had her first nightmare that night, and the next day she tried to push me away. But I wanted her; even then I knew how badly I needed her. So I asked her to coast with me. And she did. For a while, we all did. All three of us coasted through life until, figuratively, Monday came along and we had to deal with real life.
And real life—it was a fucking asshole.
Rob and Kim meet me just outside the courthouse. “You look so handsome,” Kim says, kissing my cheek.
“Yeah? I feel like shit.”
“Your mom and dad are inside,” says Robby.
“Dad’s here?”
“Yeah, but he’s pissed at your mom for making him roll around in a wheelchair.”
“Is he okay?”
Robby shrugs. “He’s fine. Your mom’s being dramatic.”
Mom, Chazarae and Mr. Newman stand up as soon as they see me and I can tell by the expressions on their faces that whatever they’ve been discussing isn’t good.
“Everything okay?” My gaze shifts from them to my dad, suited up and sitting in his wheelchair looking down at his lap.
“There’ve been some developments,” Mr. Newman says and my eyes snap to his.
“What do you mean developments?”
He picks up his briefcase and motions his head for me to walk with him. I eye them all, one by one, but the only one who seems to know what’s happening is Mom. My dad might, but I can’t tell because he won’t look at me.
I step up beside Mr. Newman as he leads us down a hallway. “Natalie doesn’t want to go to court—she wants mediation.”
“Can she even do that? We’re supposed to be in there in ten minutes.”
He stops in his tracks and turns to me. “To be honest, Josh, I don’t really know what’s happening but her lawyers contacted me this morning and they don’t sound too happy about Natalie’s decision so I guess this might be a good thing for you. Mediation doesn’t mean we have to agree with anything that she’s asking for. It just means we discuss it. And if we’re not happy—we continue with the original plan.”
“Okay,” I say, because my mind’s too busy trying to work out a scenario where I come out on top if this is something she wants.
Heated whispers sound from behind me and I turn to see the others walking after us—my mom and Robby deep in conversation. I look back at Dad, being wheeled by my mom, and this time, he sees me too.
He nods once, his lips pressed together.
And that’s all he does.
I turn back and keep walking, one foot in front of the other, until I see Natalie’s parents sitting on the chairs just outside a door. Gloria stands up when I approach. Her husband doesn’t. “Hi Josh,” she says, and I stand still in front of her, my hands in my pockets. I can tell she wants to say more but Mr. Newman says, “Let’s go,” as he opens the door for me.
Voices stop when I walk into the room and I lift my gaze. The first thing I see is the back of Natalie; she’s standing in front of the full-length windows and my fists ball at the sight of her. I want to yell at her to look at me, to see what she’s done to me. To see how she’s ruined me. But I know she won’t. She couldn’t face me three years ago, she sure as hell won’t face me now.
Our lawyers shake hands and make their introductions.
Mr. Newman sits down.
I don’t.
I keep my eyes on Natalie.
And I wait.
“Miss Christian,” her lawyers says, “It’s time.”
Moments pass and the air turns so thick I struggle to breathe. Just like I struggle with the scattered thoughts in my head and the silence surrounding me. I hate the silence the most—the sound so loud it’s deafening.
Finally, Natalie turns around, looking exactly the same as the first time I saw her when she came back—tears mixed with mascara streaking down her cheeks. Only this time I’m not shocked to see her. I’m not even shocked that she’s been crying. Because after all the shit she’s pulled—nothing she can do will ever surprise me.
“I’m dropping the case, Josh. I want you to have full custody.”
“What?” I ask, because there’s absolutely no way I heard her right.
She takes the steps to get to me, her hands bunching the fabric of her skirt. “There are so many things that I want to say right now and I don’t know where to start. I’m sorry, I guess is a good place,” she says, her voice lowering. “I’m sorry that I walked out on you and our son all those years ago. I’m sorry that I never once—”
“I don’t care,” I tell her, and then shake my head. “Not that I don’t care about your apology, I do. I just… are you serious right now? I mean, that’s it? I can keep Tommy?”
She nods. “You’re the best thing for him and I know that. I’ve always known that. That’s why I left in the first place, because I knew that you’d take care of him better than I could have. It’s not what I wanted—to be a mom—and I thought I could do it, but I couldn’t. And to be honest I still don’t know if I’m completely ready. I just know that I’m not ready to walk away again. But I want to try. I want to do better. For him. I still want to be part of his life, Josh. As long as it’s okay with you.”
