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What could have possibly happened on the call with John to make him so upset?
He steps between Javier and me, holding out a hand. “You ready to get going?” he asks.
“We just got here…” I frown, taking his hand, loving the way it envelopes mine. “What’s wrong? What happened?”
Mateo hesitates, a muscle in his cheek twitching. Before he can answer, Javier leans around him, patting him on the shoulder and grinning at me.
“Don’t be such a tight ass. I’ll get you and Jules a round of drinks.”
“No thanks,” Mateo and I say, sharply, in unison.
Mateo gives me the tiniest hint of a smile, but he still looks upset. Ignoring Javier, I pull him away, my hand gripped on his elbow. It’s nice of him to let me do it, I know for a fact that I couldn’t make the man budge an inch if he didn’t want to.
Between the music, people yelling orders, and the overwhelming buzz of conversations fighting to be heard, it’s just too loud in here to have a conversation. I lead Mateo out the back door to the small, quiet alley. I lean against the wood board siding, waiting for him to say something. He stands in front of me, arms crossed, biceps straining the seams on his t-shirt, so stiff that I think his spine must be made of iron.
“What happened?”
He shakes his head. “It’s not a big deal, Jules.”
“Clearly it is if you want to leave less than an hour after we got here.”
He shakes his head again, not meeting my eyes. I have this sinking feeling in my stomach, and the longer he refuses to meet my eyes, the worse it feels.
“It’s fine, let’s go have a drink,” he says, finally,grudgingly, looking me in the eye as he turns to open the door again. The sounds of the bar, farther away but still loud, fill the alley.
“Bullshit.” My heart thumps harder in my chest. I’ve never been one to avoid confrontation, and letting this slide feels wrong. “Whatever is going on, can you just tell me? I don’t want to go back in there and pretend like everything is fine.”
“Stop pushing, Jules.” Mateo runs a hand through his hair. His head tilts to the side as he watches me in a gesture that just screams, “Come on.”
“No.” Most men would probably prefer a girl who could smile through it and wait until later to fight, but that’s not me. It’ll never be me. I thought Mateo wanted me for who I am, but if he doesn’t… well then, he doesn’t.
“Jules…” he sighs as if I’m exasperating him, and my stomach sinks even lower. The voices of all the men before him echo in my mind:Can’t you just let it go?For the first time ever, I’m tempted to do it. Just smile and pretend everything is ok. The idea of losing Mateo feels far worse than losing any of those other guys. But it’s just not who I am.
“No,” I repeat myself, crossing my arms over my chest and standing straighter. “I’m not one of those women that’s going to fall in line because you say so,” I say, my voice rising. “If that’s who you think I am, then you’ve got me all wrong. I’m always going to be a pain in the ass and telling me to stop pushing will not work. I’m not going back in there and pretending. You can talk to me out here and we can figure it out or I’ll go home.”
Mateo runs his hand through his hair restlessly. He’s squinting at me, lips parted, eyeing me incredulously as he lets the door go. It shuts slowly; the noise dying down until the alley is silent again. He steps closer, placing his palms on the wall on either side of my face. If it was anyone else, the posture might feel intimidating, but the expression in his eyes isn’t angry. He almost looks… hurt.
“Fall in line…” he shakes his head. “When have I ever wanted you to fall in line? When have I ever asked you to be anything other than what you are?”
Mateo’s fingers tunnel into the hair at my nape, his hand cradling my head as he watches me with intense, sincere eyes. I have no idea how to respond to his question. I just stare at him, unsure, my heart pounding.
“Why the hell would you even think I’d want that?” he asks in a quiet voice. “Why would I want to make youless? I love you. I have loved you for so long. Loved everything about you.”
My breath catches in my chest, happy little goosebumps running over every inch of my skin. Did I really hear that right?
“I was jealous, Jules. I didn’t like you smiling at him. I realize that’s shitty. I realize that it’s petty. I don’t own your smiles and I’m not trying to control you. The second I asked if you wanted to leave, I felt like an asshole. That’s why I wanted to drop it. Not because I wanted you to fall in line, but because I never should have gotten pissed off in the first place.”
He stares down at me, waiting for my response, but I don’t know what to say.
“Ask me what I’d change about you, Julia,” he demands.
I hesitate again, lips parted as I stare up into his eyes, still trying to wrap my brain around what he’s saying.
“Ask me,” he commands. “Because you need to hear this.”
“Fine,” I whisper, staring up at his handsome face, half obscured by shadows. “What would you change?”
Mateo leans down, pressing his forehead to mine gently. His breath whispers over my lips, his voice ragged. “Not a Goddamn thing.”
