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“I’m ready now,” I sign.
Dianna nods and makes her way to the door. “You can come in, sweetheart,” she whispers.
I sit up in the bed when Tommy peers in the room. “Is it ready?” he asks.
“You got a little sister, bud,” Josh tells him, while I wave for him to join us.
Tommy grins wide, a nervous giggle bubbling out of him. “Can I hold her?”
“You have to be really careful,” Josh says, making a spot on the bed for him.
Tommy sits, his legs crossed and his arms ready for me to place her gently there. “She’s so little and cute,” he whispers, looking up at me. Josh navigates Tommy’s hands so he’s holding the back of her head in place.
“She likes you,” I sign to Tommy.
Tommy giggles again. “She has to like me, I’m her big brother.” He looks down at her. “Did you hear that, Chazarae?” he says, knowing our plans to name her after Grams if she was a girl. “I’m Tommy. I’m your big brother. And I’m going to take care of you, and love you, and be there for you always. And I’m never going to let anybody or anything ever hurt you. Ever.” He rocks her slowly from side to side, his boyish voice filling the air. “Somewhere, over the rainbow…”
For the first time, Baby Chazarae’s eyes open, seeming to lock on Tommy’s. Tommy stops singing and smiles down at her. “She has your eyes, Becs.”
I smile and kiss her tiny button nose. Then I look up at Josh, who sniffs once and rubs his eyes. “Thank you,” he says, his hand taking mine. “Thank you for giving me you, for giving me our daughter. You’re going to be an amazing mother, Becs. I don’t ever want you to doubt that.”
Tommy looks up now, his eyes narrowed at me. “Why would you doubt that?” he asks me. “You’ve been my mother for years…” He glances at Josh, a mixture of confusion and innocence. “Right, Dad?”
“That’s right, bud,” Josh answers, his voice soft.
And as I look down at our daughter in the arms of her big brother, any ounce of doubt, of fear, leave me in a rush and I know that they’re right. I can feel it.
A mother’s intuition.
“Can you get my purse?” I sign to Josh. “And Dad… can you get him?”
After Josh pokes his head out the door, Dad enters the room, his eyes trailing my body making sure I’m okay. When he sees Tommy and baby Chaz next to me, a slow smile forms, a build-up of emotions. “You okay, sweetheart?” he asks.
I nod, my eyelids heavy.
Josh returns with my purse and I reach inside for my wallet, for the piece of worn paper that’d been neglected for years. I unfold it, not wanting it to rip, and I scan The List—the list of fears. I let the memories flood me, each conquered fear… each captured moment. But none of them compare to this one.
Not even close.
I look up at my dad and remember the promise I’d made him make… that he’d be with me when I crossed off each fear. Then I pick up the pen from the side table and pause a moment, re-reading the only item left unmarked.
Go back to the house of nightmares and face my demons.
Slowly, I move the pen from left to right, each letter, then word, marked for eternity. Tommy’s voice continues to fill the room, his words a perfect melody for his perfect baby sister.
“You went home?” Dad asks.
I shake my head.
Josh whispers, sitting down next to me, “Then, how? Why?”
I offer him a smile, along with my tears, and then my lips move, my heavy breath creating the whispered words, “Because I no longer fear it.”
THE END
