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“You know it’s your grams’s birthday in two weeks,” he said, watching me from across the kitchen table.
I dropped my spoon into the now empty fifth tub of ice cream and looked up at him.
“Should we go and surprise her?”
Whatever look I had on my face made him laugh—this deep, gruff chuckle that warmed my heart. I reached over to him and grasped his hand, causing his smile to spread. Then I grabbed the worn piece of paper sitting between us and picked up a pen and handed them both to him.
Today, we marked “Ice Cream” off my list of fears.
~ ~
Journal
My dad invited Aaron to come to North Carolina to visit Grams with us. I don’t know why he did this. But of course Aaron said yes and now all three of us are going. I guess Dad assumes Aaron is more to me than he is and I can’t fault him for that. He probably believes Aaron is saving me in some way, and to a degree, maybe he is.
I probably shouldn’t feel as angry as I do about it. Okay, so angry might be too strong of a word, but that’s how I feel. And trapped. I don’t know. But I feel like what he assumed was a kind gesture is having the opposite effect. I feel forced, like I’m being pushed into something I’m not at all ready for.
Or maybe I’m just reading way too much into it.
Either way. Aaron is meeting Grams. Yay.
~ ~
—Becca—
“How long has it been since you’ve seen Josh?” Dawn asks, her gaze dropping to the iPad on her lap.
Just over three months, I type.
“And you think you’re ready to see him again?”
I’m not really sure, but I want to be there for Grams’s birthday. Besides, he’s traveling so much with his skating, he probably won’t even be there.
“Do you want him to be there?” she asks.
I pause, my fingers hovering over the screen.
“Okay, let me rephrase that. Do you think three months is long enough to change how you’ll feel when you see him again?”
I look up at her and shrug.
“I’m concerned,” she says, setting the iPad to the side. “I’m worried that seeing him will have the same effect it had when he was in town last. It broke you, Becca, maybe not completely, but it still broke you. And I know feelings were still there, even if you refuse to tell me that. It caused problems for you and Aaron and—”
Anger builds in the pit of my stomach and her iPad sounds, alerting her to the words I’ve begun to type.
You do realize that I’m not here because of Josh, right? I don’t know why everything always comes back to him. He was just a boy.
“Becca, look at me,” she says, her voice soft.
I wipe at my eyes, not wanting her to see the tears. I hate when she does this—when she talks about Josh like he’s poison in my veins.
“Don’t deny yourself the feelings you had for him. All of them. The good and the bad. Because we both know he wasn’t just a boy. He was a boy who at one stage loved you beyond your unspoken words. You deserve to feel that love. And denying that means you’re denying you ever felt worthy of that love. I know you’re here because of the hell your mother put you through, but your mother’s dead, Becca, and nothing we say or do will change that. Josh, on the other hand… he alone has the power to change everything. So I’ll ask you again. Do you want him to be there?”
I stare at her. Right into her eyes, and I try to find a reason to fight her because fighting would be so much easier than hurting. But there’s nothing there. Nothing but sincere concern. So I let the anger fade and welcome the truth that keeps me hostage.
Yes. I want him to be there.
* * *
“Good session?” Aaron asks, leaning against Dad’s car.
I sign, “Same old.”
He smiles as he opens his arms for me. I step into his embrace, but I don’t return it. “I’m really excited to meet your grams,” he says, his mouth so close to my ear, his voice grates on my eardrums. “You ready to go? Your dad and I packed your bags in the trunk when I dropped off my car at your house.”
I pull back and nod up at him.
“Good,” he says, unconvinced. Then he kisses me, again and again, and I let him. For the same reasons I let every other boy besides Josh Warden kiss me. Because he makes me feel safe, and at the same time, he makes me feel nothing.
5
—Joshua—
After dropping Tommy off at my uncle Robby’s, I drive to my house, my excitement building. As soon as I step out of my car, I run up the porch steps and knock harshly on her door. She takes a while to answer, but when she does, I wrap her in my arms and lift her in the air. “I missed you so much!”
