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“I’d see the smiles on parents’ faces as they held each other, their children’s laughter bringing them more joy in that one day than I’d ever seen with my mother. It’s not to say she wasn’t a happy person. She was. Or, at least, that’s how I saw her. She’d laugh when she was drinking, smile when she had her boyfriends over. But it seemed her ultimate happiness came from my misery. Even when she took her own life and attempted to take mine with it, she was laughing. It was sinister, but it was there. There was never any real joy, though. There was never a moment where I caught her looking at me the way those parents had—with love and adoration.
“I’d spent almost eighteen years of my life without ever really knowing what that look felt like. I lived in silence, blinded by darkness, and even though I’d been with guys before, physically, they never looked at me the way I’d hoped. The way I longed for.
“And then I met Josh—who looked at his son the way those parents on the streets had. I wanted so badly to be that kid that I found myself envious of a three-year-old. But I had no reason to be, because in time, I’d know exactly what it felt like to be the object of someone’s affection. To be loved. To be adored. To be the reason for someone’s joy.
“We loved in ways that can’t be explained, hurt in ways that can’t be justified. We felt every possible emotion under the sun. Literally. I’ll never be able to feel the sun on my skin, never be able to hear the sounds of spinning wheels against concrete, never feel the safety of someone else’s touch—and not think of Josh Warden.
“My mother didn’t give me a lot. In fact, she did everything possible to deny me the basics of life. I never knew what I was missing. Not until she took my ability to speak. It wasn’t until I felt Josh’s love that I realized that even though I couldn’t speak, it didn’t mean I didn’t have a voice.”
Joey stares at me, his eyes wide in disbelief beneath his Santa hat.
I’d told Josh that I’d wanted to tell Joey about him, I just didn’t have the words. But last night, as I was preparing my equipment for the family photos today, it all came to me. I wrote it down in my journal, and Cordy just repeated it word for word.
“I’m sorry about your mom, Becca,” Joey says.
I smile, because even though I appreciate his words, I can see him trying to push down what he really wants to say.
“But holy shit! You and J-Ward!?” And there it is. “I don’t believe you. No fucking way!”
I roll my eyes and type, “You don’t think your worshipped god would be into a girl like me?”
He laughs as he picks up yet another plate donated by the fine families of Say Something. Every house we’ve stopped at for the morning appointments gave us a plate of leftover breakfast. Now we’re sitting in a practically deserted park, me with my gear and him dressed as Santa, taking advantage of their generosity.
“Don’t get me wrong,” he says, chewing on a strip of bacon. “It’s just… I mean… it’s J-Ward! The guy’s, like, the king of kings in the skate world. At least to me, and you—you’ve sat there and listened to me talk about him and this entire time you knew him? That’s fucking gnarly, dude. But I kind of still don’t believe you.”
I hold the phone between us and send a text to Josh.
Becca: Hey.
His reply is instant.
Josh: Hey! I was just thinking about you. Merry Christmas! How are the family photos going?
I show Joey the response, but he shakes his head, his shaggy surfer blond hair falling over his eyes. “I’m suspect. That could be anyone. It could be your dad and you’ve just put him in your phone as Josh. Is this a prank? It’s a pretty shady one if it is.”
I roll my eyes.
He mocks it.
Becca: It’s going well. I’m in a park with Joey taking a little break. I told him about you.
Josh: About me? Or us?
I hold the phone right in front of Joey’s nose, my eyes wide in question. “See?” I mouth.
He scoffs. “That’s nothing.”
Sighing, I type:
Becca: Us.
Josh: Huh. So you finally found the words?
Becca: They’re as close to worthy as I can get.
Josh: Can I see them?
Becca: One day. Maybe.
Josh: I’ll take it. So… this Joey guy? Do I need to be worried?
Becca: lol. He’s harmless. Trust. Besides, he has more of a boner for you than he does for me.
“Don’t tell him that!” Joey yells.
