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Nodding, he places his hands on my knees and keeps his eyes locked on mine.
After taking a breath, I activate Cordy and gather my courage. “The truth is, after what happened with Tommy last time I was there, I tried really hard not to let it affect me, but it did. And I kind of lost my way a little bit.”
“You know he didn’t mean what he said, right?” Josh says, his voice low. “He was angry at me and he took it out on you.”
I shrug. “It doesn’t really matter why it happened. It did. And it as much as I didn’t want it to—it hurt. Not so much that he said those things, but it was more the realization that I could never read him a bedtime story like he wanted, or that I could never sing with him, or talk properly to him. I thought about our future—not just you and me, but all three of us—and I somehow convinced myself that it wasn’t fair to have to put that burden on either of you.”
I hit speak and watch Josh as he takes in every relayed word. He’s no longer looking at me, though, he’s looking down at his lap. He doesn’t speak, so I continue, “But I was selfish. I wanted him in my life as much as I wanted you and I wasn’t willing to give it up without a fight. So I spoke to Lexy and asked if there was anything I could do. She told me about Dr. Schmidt, a doctor in Germany—a surgeon who specializes in his field. He comes to the States twice a year and operates on four patients who are prime candidates for what he does. Lexy thought I would be suitable, so she passed on my medical history…
“If I could have had the operation, it would’ve been a couple months from now. That’s why I got that job, but it wouldn’t have been enough, and I don’t know why, but I feel like you should know that I would’ve gone to you, Josh. I would’ve asked you for the money. If it came down to it… that’s how badly I wanted it.”
I wipe at the tears building and attempt to push down the ache tugging at my chest. Without looking at him for a response, I add, “I don’t deal well with disappointment. I shut down and I pretend like it doesn’t exist. That’s part of the reason I pushed you away this morning, because I knew you’d want to talk about it. I knew you’d try to come up with your own ways to fix the problem, because that’s who you are. You like to fix things, and I knew you’d do anything to save me.”
“Maybe it’s my pride. I don’t know. But it’s just like your money. I don’t want it to define us. I don’t want you to have to take care of me. I don’t want you to always be the hero, and for me to always be the girl who needs saving.”
“Becca, it’s not about that,” he says quickly. “It’s about me loving you.”
“I know that. You’ve shown me that. You and Tommy both. And that’s why I wanted to talk to you about all this. When I saw him today and he showed me that he’d been learning sign language, he took that fear, that disappointment I’d been drowning in, and he took it all away.
“I can’t even begin to describe in words how much it means to me that you’ve all found a way to make me feel like this impairment isn’t an impairment at all. You’ve made me feel like I’m part of something, and that my inability to speak is something I’ll never have to worry about. You’ve made me feel accepted, something I struggle with daily, but more than that… you’ve given me hope, Josh.”
His hands tighten on my knees, letting me know he’s heard me.
I sniff back a sob. “You’ve given me so much hope. And I don’t think I even realized that that’s what I’ve been searching for this whole time. Walking away from that hospital room and away from you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
I let my emotions control me a moment, struggling to see through my tears. Josh stays silent, knowing there’s more, knowing I’m about to give him everything.
“I left because I thought I needed to grow, needed to find myself, and I did. To an extent. But I never felt whole, never felt complete, not until I had you and Tommy again, and I know that’s pathetic—”
“It’s not,” he interrupts.
“But it’s the truth,” Cordy says over him.
I look up at him. He’s shaking his head. “You had every right to leave me, Becs. I said and did horrible things—”
“You were hurting. I should’ve been there for you.”
“You didn’t cause my hurt, though. I caused yours.”
The alarm on my phone sounds and I stand quickly. “Get up,” I sign.
