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My gaze darts away again as I think of the past we once shared. All that time, all those memories. They were some of the best times of my life. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t lie awake some nights wishing I could go back to relive them just one more time.
Kyle was the man I’d planned to marry, have kids, and grow old with. It terrifies me to look at him now and feel as if those dreams are right in front of me again, waiting for me to gather the courage to reach out and grab them.
An ex is an ex for a reason, I heard someone say once. It’s a motto I’ve tried to live by...but what if that reason doesn’t feel so significant anymore?
“Things can be replaced,” I answer his question. “People can’t. Memories can’t. Those are what matter the most.”
His lips turn up at the corners. “I couldn’t agree more, Sunny. In fact, that’s why I brought you here today.” He rounds the counter, coming around to my side, and I sit up straight, my back rigid, unsure of his intentions, even though my body knows full well something big is about to happen.
I’m both excited and terrified to find out what it will be.
“I thought I’d put you behind me, but as soon as I saw you in that hospital room, it was as if no time had passed.”
I know exactly what he means. Except I’d never managed to put a damn thing behind me. Kyle has always been my past, present, and now...maybe my future, too. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but I can feel all the carefully built walls falling away, crumbling like dust with each step closer he takes.
“Where did we go wrong?” he asks softly as he reaches out and runs his fingers through my hair.
I close my eyes, relishing his long-forgotten touch. “You kissed another girl.”
“Not like you think. I thought I was kissing you!” he shouts in frustration, throwing his arms up. “But it was all wrong. The second my lips touched her, I knew it wasn’t you. I swear, I pushed her away and I got the hell out of there, but someone must have seen and then twisted it all up and...well, you know the rest.” He grimaces. “I can’t rewrite the past, but I am so sorry I hurt you,” he replies softly, his voice full of emotion. “It was one drunken night, and it ruined everything. I’ll never forgive myself for losing you. Never.”
For some reason, his words touch me, simple as they are. They shouldn’t. They’re nothing special. But they feel special, reaching down deep inside, creating warmth and longing and a twinge of something I can’t name that puts a pit in my stomach that pleads to be filled.
Instinct tells me the only person who can do that is standing right in front of me.
Despite everything I’ve told myself and all the promises I’ve made, all the swearing up and down and left to right...I know I’m going to fold like a stack of cards in a stiff breeze.
“Kyle,” I breathe.
His lips are on mine before I can utter another word. Plunging his hands into my hair, he grips the strands in tight fists, but his kiss is tender, soft, sweet. Full of caring and insecurity that contradicts the commanding—almost demanding—way that he holds me to him, as if he’s terrified I’ll run at any moment.
I won’t. The instant he touched me, I was gone. It just took a moment for me to admit it to myself. And now, as his lips continue to move against mine and we settle into a rhythm, I realize there’s no point hiding it anymore.
I still feel love for this man. That place he held in my heart so long ago is still very much alive, and it’s growing by the second, as if it had simply gone dormant and has been waiting all these years for him to return and breathe fresh life back into it.
Kyle shifts closer, and like a fluid dance, I twist so my body faces him fully, my legs falling open to allow him to step between them. My hands rise to clasp around his wrists, and he tilts my head to deepen the kiss.
I remember this. The way he used to kiss me, so full of love and adoration, making me feel like we were the only two people left in the world. I don’t know how or why, but Kyle has always consumed me.
The kiss grows hotter, more eager, teeth biting and lips sucking as the excitement begins to build higher and higher. It’s not a decision that I’m conscious of making, but a need, a knowledge that this is where things are headed and how it’s going to be.
Kyle must be on the same page, because without spoken communication, he transfers his hands to my waist and lifts me into his arms. I wrap my limbs around him, holding on tightly as he carries me away, and I kiss him as if my very survival in this world depends on it.
It does. I don’t know how I’ve existed this long without him. One kiss was all it took to destroy the fragile balance I had in my life, and now I know I can’t ever return to that state of being. I am that college girl all over again, madly in love with her childhood sweetheart, the man who swept me off my feet and stole my heart, consumed my mind, and touched my soul.
And he’s doing it all over again.
Only this time, as he lays me out on his bed and stands over me, looking down at me with a predatory kind of hunger simmering in his eyes, I find myself praying to a higher power that I’ll never have to feel the pain of losing him again.
There’s no telling where this is going to go, and I’m fully aware that this line of thinking could be setting me up for even worse heartbreak than I can ever imagine, but I am powerless to stop it.
At the end of the day, I’m just the same little girl who grew up watching Disney princesses find their prince and live happily ever after...and that’s all I want. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.
Kyle’s gaze holds mine as he peels off his clothes slowly. I’m nervous. This is moving so fast, yet not fast enough.
One minute I’m determined to resist him. The next I’m dying to get closer.
Licking my lips, I allow myself to loosen up a little, join in and let go. Just a little.
