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"Look at me."
I shook my head.
He touched my shoulder, and I jerked away.
"You can't even stand for me to touch you, can you?" For the first time. I heard pain in his voice, raw and hurting.
I turned then. I had to see his face. His eyes glittered with unshed tears, eyes wide so they wouldn't fall. He'd pushed his hair back from his face, but it was already spilling forward. My eyes traveled down his muscular chest, and I wanted to run my hands over his ni**les, down his slender waist, and lower. I drew my eyes back up to his face with force of will alone, my face pale now, rather than blushing. I was having trouble breathing. My heart was beating so hard, it was hard to hear.
"I love it when you touch me," I said.
He stared down at me, his eyes filled with pain. I think I preferred the anger. "I used to admire you for saying no to Jean-Claude. I know you want him, and you keep refusing. I thought it was very moral of you." He shook his head, one tear slid from the corner of his eye, trailing in slow motion down his cheek.
I brushed the tear from his face with my fingertip. He caught my hand in his, holding it a little too hard, but not hurting, only surprising. It was also my right hand, and drawing the gun left-handed was going to be a bitch. Not that I really thought I'd need the gun, but he was acting so strangely.
Richard spoke, staring down at me. "But Jean-Claude's a monster and you don't sleep with monsters. You just kill them." Tears slid from both of his eyes and I let them fall. "You don't sleep with me, either, because I'm a monster, too. But you can kill us, can't you, Anita? You just can't f**k us."
I jerked away from him, and he let me. He could have bench pressed the heavy cherry wood bed, so he let me go. I didn't like that much. "That was an ugly thing to say."
"But it's true," he said.
"I want you, Richard, you know that."
"You want Jean-Claude, too, so that's not very flattering. You tell me to kill Marcus, like it would be easy. Do you think it wouldn't bother me to kill him because he's a monster, or because I am?"
"Richard," I said. This was an argument I hadn't seen coming. I didn't know what to say, but I had to say something. He was standing there with tears drying on his face. Even nude and gorgeous, he looked lost.
"I know it would bother you to kill Marcus. I never said it wouldn't," I said.
"Then how can you urge me to do it?"
"I think it's necessary," I said.
"Could you do it? Could you just kill him?"
I thought about that for a moment, then nodded. "Yeah, I could."
"And that wouldn't bother you?" he asked.
I stared straight at him, looked him right in his pain-filled eyes, and said, "No."
"If you really mean that, it makes you a bigger monster than I am."
"Yeah, I guess it does."
He shook his head. "It doesn't bother you, does it, knowing that you could take a human life?" He laughed, and it was bitter. "Or don't you consider Marcus human?"
"The man I killed last night was human," I said.
Richard stared at me, fresh horror growing in his eyes. "And you slept just fine didn't you?"
I nodded. "Pretty good, considering you sent Stephen to my bed."
A strange look passed through his eyes, and for a split second, I saw him wonder.
"Sweet Jesus, you know me better than that."
He looked down. "I know. It's just that I want you so badly, and you keep saying, no. It makes me doubt everything."
"Shit. I am not going to stroke your ego in the middle of a fight. You sent Stephen to me because you were mad. Said I could protect him. Had it occurred to you that I'd never slept--just slept--in the same bed with a man before?"
"What about your fiance in college?"
"I had sex with him, but I didn't sleep over," I said. "The first time I woke up in the morning with a man curled around me, I wanted it to be you."
"I'm sorry, Anita. I didn't know. I..."
"You didn't think. Great. Now, what's with the no clothes? What's going on, Richard?"
"You saw the fight last night. You saw what I did, what I can do."
"Some of it, yeah."
He shook his head. "You want to know why I don't kill? Why I always stop just short of it?" The look in his eyes was almost desperate, wild.
"Tell me," I said, softly.
"I enjoy it, Anita. I love the feel of my hands, my claws ripping into flesh." He hugged himself. "The taste of fresh, warm blood in my mouth is exciting." He shook his head harder, as if he could erase the sensation. "I wanted to rip Sebastian apart last night. I could feel it, like an ache in my shoulders, in my arms. My body wanted to kill him, the way I want you." He stared at me, still hugging himself, but his body was speaking for him. The thought of killing Sebastian did excite him, really excite him.
I swallowed hard. "You're afraid that if you let go and killed, that you'd like that, too?"
He stared at me, and that was the horror in his eyes: the fear that he was a monster, the fear that I was right not to touch him, not to let him touch me. You don't f**k the monsters, you just kill them.
"Do you enjoy killing?" he asked.
I had to think about that for a second or two. Finally, I shook my head. "No, I don't enjoy it."
"What does it feel like?" he asked.
"Like nothing. I don't feel anything."
"You have to feel something."
I shrugged. "Relief that it wasn't me. Triumph that I was faster, meaner." I shrugged again. "It doesn't bother me to kill people, Richard. It just doesn't."
"Did it once?"
"Yes, it used to bother me."
"When did it stop bothering you?"
"I don't know. Not the first death, or the second, but when it gets to the point that you can't keep track of them all... It either stops bothering you or you find another line of work."
"I want it to bother me, Anita. Killing should mean something other than blood, and excitement, or even survival. If it doesn't, then I'm wrong, and we are just animals." His body reacted to the thought, too. And he did not find it exciting. He looked vulnerable and afraid. I wanted to tell him to get dressed, but I didn't. He'd chosen to be na**d very deliberately, as if to prove once and for all that I didn't want him, or that I did.
I didn't much like tests, but it was hard to bitch with the fear in his eyes. He'd walked away to stand in front of the bed. He rubbed one hand up and down the opposite arm as if he were cold. It was May in Saint Louis. He wasn't cold, at least not that kind of cold.
"You aren't animals, Richard."
"How do you know what I am?" And I knew that he was asking the question more of himself than of me.
I walked over to him. I took the Firestar out of the front of my pants and laid it on the night stand beside his cut glass lamp. He watched me do it, eyes wary. Almost like he expected me to hurt him. I was going to try very hard not to do that.
I touched his arm, gently, where he was rubbing it. He froze under my touch. "You are one of the most moral people I have ever met. You can kill Marcus and not become a ravening beast. I know that, because I know you."
"Gabriel and Raina kill and look what they are."
"You aren't like them, Richard. Trust me on that."
"What if I kill Sebastian or Marcus, and I enjoy it." His handsome face was raw with terror at the thought.
"Maybe it will feel good." I gripped his arm tighter. "But if it does, there's no shame in that. You are what you are. You didn't choose it. It chose you."
"How can you say there's no shame in enjoying killing something. I've hunted deer and I love it. I love the chase, and the kill, and eating the warm meat." As before, the thought excited him. I kept my eyes on his face as much as possible, but it was distracting.
"Everyone has different things that flip their switch, Richard. I've heard worse. Hell, I've seen worse."
He stared down at me like he wanted to believe me and was afraid to. "Worse than this." He lifted his right hand from its grip on his arm, he held his hand in front of my face. His power prickled over my hand, down my arm, until I gasped. It was force of will alone that kept my hand on his arm.
His fingers elongated, stretching impossibly long and thin. The nails grew into heavy claws. It wasn't a wolf hand, rather his own grown into a claw. Nothing else had changed that I could see. Only that one hand.
