AllFreeNovel
Share Us
That made one of them. Maybe everything with Cassiewasher breakdown. Or her midlife crisis or something.
“You know what I mean,” Erin said. “Tell me what you really think about this.”
“My honest opinion,” Carolyn said, steepling her fingers in her lap, “is that I’m glad you finally told me. You’ve been circumspect in the New Year. I’ve been wondering if I should confront you about it. This makes it a lot easier.”
Erin ducked her head. If she’d been that obvious with Carolyn, what was she like with Parker?
“I don’t want to ask you to tell me things you don’t want to,” Carolyn said. “But I can’t help you with the things you don’t share in our sessions.”
“I didn’t think I needed help with it. I thought it was over.”
Carolyn leveled her with a stare. “While you thought it was over, how did the fact that anything happened at all make you feel?”
Erin focused on the fringe of the pillow in her lap. “I… guilty. But also… proud of myself? I don’t know. That sounds ridiculous. It’s just—IknowI’ve spent too long caring what other people think. I know that. It’s something I’m working on. It’s something I’ve beenworking on since I started seeing you. So yeah, I felt guilty because I know this never should have happened. But it felt good, too. To have done something… fun? Stupid? Both. Obviously this is something I did for me—anyone else would judge me for it. I judge me for it. But it feels like progress. I wasn’t exactly picking up women in bars a year ago.” She grimaced. “Is it weird to measure progress by propensity for a one-night stand?”
Carolyn chuckled at her. “No, I know what you mean. It doesn’t seem like your behavior has been driven by anything other than what you want, here.”
Phrasing it that way pointed out the selfishness, even though Erin knew that wasn’t how Carolyn meant it.
“When is the last time you did something for no other reason than because you wanted to?”
“Well, there’s the clinic.”
“Respectfully, no.” Carolyn shook her head. “The clinic is wonderful, and I know how long you’ve wanted it. I’m glad you’re finally working toward it. But it also objectively does good. There’s a lot more happening there than just what you want.”
Erin conceded the point. Most of her indulgences were food related, but even then, there were times she made dinner instead of ordering takeout because she knew it was what sheshoulddo. When was the last time she said “fuck should” before meeting Cassie?
Instead of thinking too hard about it, she changed the subject. “Okay, but what if Parker knows?”
“Why would she?”
“Because she didn’t call Sunday.”
Carolyn tutted at her. “That’s not the answer to why she would know. That’s the answer to what are you using to support the conclusion you already jumped to.”
So she’d stopped with the kid gloves then.
“Cassie could’ve told her.”
“Why would Cassie do that?”
She’d told Acacia. Granted, that was alittledifferent from tellingParker,but it worried Erin anyway. Erin hadn’t told anyone. Though she felt better now that Carolyn knew. Like she could breathe a little easier.
“Maybe Acacia did,” Erin said. “Or maybe she saw the picture I sent Cassie on Valentine’s Day.”
“Or maybe you’re coming up with increasingly unlikely worst-case scenarios when you could just call Parker and see what’s up.”
Okay, fair. Not that Erin would ever actually call Parker to “see what’s up.” She wasn’t risking hearing an answer she didn’t want.
“What do you think would happen if Parker found out?”
Erin spent the rest of therapy catastrophizing. She couldn’t decide what would be worse: Parker angry and hurt enough to yell and cry or Parker just cutting off contact. She’d never done well when Parker cried. Adam had to take her to get her shots when she was little, because Erin would have a worse time of it than Parker did.
Even spending a half hour going through worst-case scenarios, leaving therapy, Erin felt… at ease. Untroubled. Not carefree, exactly, but like things would turn out okay. Tomorrow maybe everything would be bad again, but today, she’d said it. Someone other than her and Cassie knew it had happened. And the world hadn’t come to an end.
That was the thought she kept in mind as she made plans with Rachel to get coffee in the morning. Maybe Erin had expected judgment from Carolyn, and she certainly would from anyone else, but not from Rachel. Never from Rachel.
Even knowing that, Erin had to build up her courage the next morning. She’d already finished the muffin she’d split with Rachel and was most of the way through her cappuccino before finally asking:
