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The line was silent.
Erin swallowed. “It’s not bad. But it’s important.”
Still no response from Parker.
“Are you there?”
“Yeah.”
Erin had thought parenting was hard when Parker was little. Raising a baby into toddlerhood while in med school took everything Erin had, and she’d still messed up, pretty much all the time. Parker had survived, but it felt like barely. To this day, Erin’s guilt flared when she caught sight of the scar behind Parker’s ear from when she’d managed to launch herself out of a swing at three and a half.
Parenting an almost adult was harder.
Erin was somehow supposed to balance being the grown-up while also recognizing Parker as something of an equal. It’d been a long time since Parker believed her mother to be all-knowing, but Erin was still supposed to havesomewisdom. She was supposed to teach Parker things she was still learning herself. How to live in this world. How to be a good person. How to take care of yourself.
“I want to explain my decision to get the divorce,” Erin said, as plainly as she could.
A beat. “What?”
“It wasn’t something I took lightly. It wasn’t something I did to hurt you or your father. It wasn’t me choosing anything over either of you.”
“We’re talking about the divorce?” Parker said. “Really? Now?”
“Yes, I—” Erin considered. Barely into the conversation and already a parenting fail. “Actually, you’re right. I shouldn’t have sprung this on you with no warning. This is a conversation it’s important for us to have, but it doesn’t have to be right now. Is there another time this week that would work better for you?”
Parker scoffed.
Erin chewed at her bottom lip and waited.
“Whatever. Fine. Let’s have the conversation. Go right ahead. Tell me all your great reasons.”
“You’re my reason,” Erin said.
More silence.
Erin couldn’t stay still for this. She got up off the couch to pace instead, running a hand through her hair.
“I want you to be happy. More than anything, that’s what I want. And I mean really happy, long-term happy. It wasn’t what your grandma wanted for me, not really, or if it was, our ideas of happiness were nowhere close to each other’s. It never seemed like it was about wanting me to be happy as it was about having a path for me, all planned out. Your dad wasn’t a part of that path. You weren’t a part of that path. Med school wasn’t a part of that path. And so, I spent a lot of time trying to do what she wanted, to make up for how I thought I’d let her down. I don’t want our relationship to be like that. Nothing you could do will ever let me down. And I want you to be happy, whatever path you take to get there.”
Erin took a breath. She was babbling, obviously, but she needed to get it all out. Now that she’d opened the door, it felt more like floodgates, everything rushing out at once.
Parker broke in now that she finally had the chance. “You want me to be happy, so you got a divorce? That’s really what you’re trying to say here?”
“Yes.” She took another breath. It was simple, really. “How could I teach you to be happy when I wasn’t?”
No scoff at least.
“All the things I want you to do? Figure out what you want in life. Find your own path. Make mistakes but actually learn from them. Leave behind what doesn’t bring you joy, what you’ve outgrown. I wasn’t doing any of it when I was married to your dad.” She was still circling the couch. “I thought I was staying in the marriage for you—so you didn’t have to go through your parents divorcing. But, in the end, I left it for you. Because how could I raise you to do all those things when I wasn’t doing them myself?”
For the first time in the conversation, Erin wished she could see Parker’s face. She might not have been able to get the words out ifshe’d had Parker’s eyes on her, but now she wanted to see them, to know how they looked. Bright blue like the summer sky? Or clear like ice over a pond, which meant tears were coming if they weren’t already there. Did the little wrinkle on Parker’s forehead come out as she furrowed her brow?
After a minute, when Parker still hadn’t responded, Erin stopped walking. She hugged the arm not holding the phone around her, tight.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “For doing it. For taking so long to do it. For taking so long to have this conversation.” She tacked “I love you so much” on the end.
“I love you,” Parker said, quiet, and her eyes must’ve been icy, because there were definitely tears in her voice. “Thank you, for telling me this.”
“I know it’s random. I just—I wanted you to know.”
