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"I like you too."
"But I… this isn't a good idea. The two of us."
"It's not?"
"It's not." She presses her palms into her quads.
"Why not?"I've been following your site for a long time. I just put the pieces together. I'm not a crazy stalker, I swear.
Sorry. I know you don't like when people use the word crazy casually.
Two years ago, I would have rolled my eyes. I would have run from understanding. Now, I know better.
I love the way you take it back. You're right. You've earned it.
I know what happened last year and I don't care.
It doesn't scare me. I promise.
"I did something I shouldn't have done," she says. "After I heard about your sister. I just thought… with the books she had and the way you talked about her… I looked for information and I found things I shouldn't have found. I know what happened. I know she died by suicide."
I don't know what to say.
If I didn't know she knew, what the fuck would I say?
No.
That doesn't matter.
The situation is the same.
"I'm sorry you lost her that way, Patrick," she says.
"Thanks."
"But I… I don't know how to explain."
"You don't have to explain," I say.
"No, I want to. Because I know how it is when people find something ugly and they get scared and run away. Like it changed you."
"Yeah."
"And it isn't that. I'm not afraid of your pain." She looks at her hands. "No, that's not true. I am. I'm scared of what it means."
Is she going to tell me? "I'm glad you know."
Surprise fills her dark eyes. "You are?"
"It's not an easy thing to bring up. But it feels good, sharing it, like I'm not hiding anymore."
Her eyes stay glued to mine.
"My friends don't know. And my parents don't talk about it. They're ashamed. Suicide is a mortal sin, you know?"
"No. Sorta. Not the religious part, but the whole idea that people attempt suicide as an act of malice, and not because they didn't see another option." She rubs her thumb with her forefinger. "I don't even believe in god, but I don't know… if there is some creator, why would she fault us for trying to end our suffering?"
"I don't know. I don't believe anymore."
