AllFreeNovel
Share Us
It is. I hate when people say it's cowardly. It's not like depressed people are any less afraid of death. But this isn't about me. "Do you think of her as brave?"
"She was always brave, yeah."
"But not brave enough to talk to you?"
He looks to the floor. "I wouldn't have heard her if she did. I don't know if she tried to talk to Molly… but Molly is like me. She hides from the heavy stuff with work, but she hides all the same."
Maybe we all do.
"How did you run from stuff?"
I owe him this much honesty. "I didn't have the nerve to really dip into self-destruction. Or maybe I was too sheltered. People at my school weren't having wild sex or buying drugs off the street. They were making out and stealing their parents' wine. And we'd get caught, get in trouble, get too scared to do it again."
"It's not as fun as it sounds."
"I know. I had my phase where I went through guys like it was going out of style. Not sex."
His shoulders fall.
"You really are a man, huh?"
"I told you."
"You've been with other people," I say.
"Yeah."
"But you're jealous I've been with other people?"
"I don't like thinking of some guy taking advantage of you."
"That's kind of sweet." A little possessive but sweet.
"And if you told me you were jealous of all the women I fucked, I'd tell you not to be. 'Cause it never meant anything. I wouldn't let it mean anything."
"Never?" I ask.
"No. It was always bullshit. After Deidre, I tried to go back to my routine. I had a few casual flings, but I didn't enjoy them. I could feel the falseness. There was no honesty there, no vulnerability. It was all pretense."
"And that's why you liked me?"
He nods. "'Cause you were straight with me. No bullshit."
"I don't like bullshit either."
"I know."
"I don't have to talk about the other guys," I say. "If it bothers you."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"I guess there isn't much to say. Guys were always willing."
"Of course," he says. "You're gorgeous."
My cheeks flush. I'm not gorgeous, really. Conventionally attractive enough? Sure. Athletic? Absolutely. But I'm not a knockout by any definition of the word. "I did have fun, sometimes, experimenting. But I wasn't there, really. I would check out of my body, go somewhere else. And then I'd think about why I wasn't enjoying myself enough."
"Always?"
