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We fall into silence as the song shifts to the next. It has the same sound. Soft, emotional vocals, melodic piano, all this openness and easy vulnerability.
It doesn't sound like his description of his sister. But maybe that's why she loved it. Because she wanted to feel a connection with anyone she could find, even the songwriter.
"Did your sister like guys?" I ask.
"Yeah," he says. "She always said it was unfortunate. Molly came out young. And our parents… I guess it doesn't make sense, now, how quickly they accepted it, but they did, and I was too young to wonder about the contradiction, how they could support a church that said my sister was a sinner and support her too, but they did."
"Are they close?"
"Molly and my parents? Kinda. She was always headstrong, same as Deidre, but different, you know? Deidre would stand up for other people. Molly would fight for herself."
"I know what you mean."
"She's never said it, but I think she's always felt it," he says. "That divide between their faith and her. She stopped going to church after she came out and they never asked. But now… I wonder if it was their suggestion."
"Parents are hard. With my mom… I know how hard things are for her. I see it. Fuck, I saw her smoking."
"Smoking?"
"Vaping." I laugh. "My stern, totally in control all the time mom… vaping. And she looked sad, scared. I wanted to feel for her. I did. But then all the ways she hurt me came rushing in."
"You feel both at the same time?"
"But my hurt wins," I say. "Or at least… I can't bring it to her. I can't talk about it."
He nods. "I get that."
"Is she okay, you think? Molly?"
"I don't know. She acts tough and she'd never confide in me. She's older. In her early thirties."
"How old was Deidre?"
"Late twenties."
"You really are the baby," I say.
He nods. "Molly sees me that way. It's kind of nice, having a sister who's so much older and wiser. But she knows it too."
"She sounds badass."
"She is."
The singer's voice catches my thoughts. She's hurt, vulnerable, raw. It's commendable.
But there's something else about it—
It feels too easy. She's running toward her big, hard feelings, not struggling to grapple with them.
Do people really process that easily?
Fiona Apple makes more sense to me. Her hurt is laced with self-destruction.
Maybe that's why his older sister likes music by angry guys. It's more honest. Anger is easier for most people, especially men.
"Where are you going, baby?" he asks.
Baby. He's never called me that here. I like it. I like it too much. "I guess I was thinking about your sister. The, uh, softboys. Maybe that's what she liked about it, this guy being vulnerable with her. That's hard to find in real life. It's hard for everyone, I think, to find someone who truly shares with them."
