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I was always the one who shied away.
No more.
I'm trying to pour my heart out.
But it's really fucking hard. How the hell does she do this every week? Twice a week?
Every day sometimes.
* * *
"A Mistake"
One Trick Pony
Friday August 4th, 11 P.M.
Dear Diary,
She's braver than I am. She always will be. But I can try to do the right thing. I can try to share. I love her. That isn't going to change.
I didn't want to face it either.
I didn't want to look at where I hurt.
How could I open myself up to this? To someone who tried? Who might try again?
I wanted, so badly, to be strong enough I didn't care. I told myself I didn't care.
And in some ways, that was true.
I didn't care in the sense it was a deal breaker.
But I cared… I cared in every bone in my body.
Because some part of me thoughthey, I can do it right this time.
I won't mess it up this time.
And as long as I have access to every one of her thoughts, as long as she can't hide the truth?
Well… I can do that.
But that was always bullshit.
Because she can still hide.
Even if she's honest here—and she is, more than anyone I've ever met—she can hide from herself.
I loved that she didn't, that she strove for full disclosure. I still love it.
But nothing is forever.
This might not be forever.
I told myself I deserved to see into her head. I earned it.
Because D hid.
