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“You okay with your decision to join the Bureau?”
“I’m okay with it,” said Decker tersely. “But I didn’t think we came here to talk about me.”
Lancaster took a sip of her drink and munched on some nuts from a bowl in front of her. “Life is complicated. At least mine is.”
“How does that lead to divorce? I thought you and Earl cared for each other.”
“Wedo, Decker. It’s not really about that.”
“What else is there?”
“What people want out of life, for one.”
“What do you want that’s different from what Earl wants?”
“I want to keep working in law enforcement.”
“And Earl doesn’t want that?”
“It’s hard on him, Decker. It’s hard on Sandy. I get that. But all I’ve ever wanted to be is a cop. I’ve worked my entire adult life to get to this point. I can’t just chuck it, even if I do care for somebody.”
“So it’s an either/or?”
“It apparently is for Earl. But I’m not blaming him. You know when those monsters left those mannequins at our home dressed up to look like they’d been murdered two years ago? It scared the shit out of all of us, but Earl especially took it hard. He couldn’t stop talking about it. What if it had been for real? Things changed after that between us. And they’ve never gone back to what they were.”
“And what about Sandy? Earl said he’s getting more custody than you.”
“With my job, how could I have done that? It would be way too hard on Sandy. I’m not going to put her through that.”
“She’s your daughter.”
“And she’s Earl’s daughter too. And she has special needs. His job is a lot more flexible than mine. I can’t suddenly duck out of a homicide investigation or not show up for court so I can pick her up from school because she’s having an episode. I know. I tried. It didn’t work. You saw that for yourself.”
“I did and I’m sorry.”
She gave a weak smile. “Apologies? You going soft on me in your middle age?”
“Doubtful.” He took a swig of beer. “I’m sorry that my problems intruded into your life. What happened to your family was because of me.”
She reached over and gripped his hand. “Every problem in the world is not yours to solve. I know you have very broad shoulders, but no one can take on that sort of responsibility. And it wasn’t your fault. It was the fault of a couple of very sick people. You know that’s true.”
“Do I?” he said. “It doesn’t feel that way.”
“You can’t live this way, Amos. It’s not sustainable.”
“I never expected to live that long anyway.”
She withdrew her hand and said coldly, “No one should wish for a shortened life.”
“I’m not wishing for it. I’m just being realistic.”
“You’ve lost weight. You’re in a lot better shape than the last time I saw you.”
“It’s not my weight that concerns me.”
She glanced at his head and frowned. “Problems there?”
“Does it matter? I’ll just keep going until…I don’t.”
“I guess we can talk in circles all night.”
“I’d rather move forward on this case.”
“So, you mentioned Hawkins’s past. Where do you start?”
“I start with before he allegedly became a murderer.”
“You mean?”
“Exactly.”
