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“I’m not sure I’d take that bet.”
“Going back in time. You know how you did it with me. So now?”
“I’ve spoken to the people involved back then. The widows. The daughter. The only remaining neighbors.”
“How about the first responders? The ME?”
“The cops are no longer working. They’ve moved out of the area. The ME passed away three years ago.”
“But you still got the records, though.” Mars tapped his forehead. “Up here.”
“Not all of them, because…because I didn’t read everything. In particular the forensic file, at least not thoroughly.”
Mars raised his eyebrows at this.
Decker did not miss this reaction. “I’d been a homicide detective all of five days when the call came in. That’s not an excuse. But the print and DNA were slam dunks, or at least I thought they were. I wasn’t as diligent about the rest of the stuff. And it might have cost Hawkins his freedom and then his life.”
“Only thing that makes you, Decker, is human. And let me tell you I had my doubts about that.” He tacked on a grin withthis.
“I’m not supposed to make mistakes, at least not like that.”
“And here you are trying to make up for it. Doing the best you can. That’s all you can do.”
When Decker didn’t respond to this, Mars said, “What’s wrong, Amos? This isn’t the guy I know. Something is eating at you. And it’s not just that you might have screwed up. So lay it out there, dude. Can’t help if I can’t follow.”
“Some people are meant to be alone, work alone, just…alone.”
“And you think you’re one of them?”
“IknowI am, Melvin.”
“I was alone for twenty years, Amos. Just me and steel bars and concrete walls. And maybe a lethal needle waiting on my ass.”
“Now I’m not following.”
“Then let me lay it out clean for you. I was convinced I was a loner too. That that was just how life was going to be. But I made a mistake.”
“How so?”
“I let circumstances beyond my control define me. That’s not good. That’s worse than lying to yourself. It’s like you’re lying to your soul.”
“And you think that’s where I am?”
“Alex told me why you two were here in the first place. Visiting your family at the cemetery.”
Decker looked away.
“You feel tied to this place, and I get that. But see, you’re not. You moved from here. Joined the FBI. And if you hadn’t done that, I’d be rotting in a prison in Texas, or more likely dead. But this is not about me, it’s about you.”
“Maybe it was a mistake to move,” said Decker.
“Maybe it was and maybe it wasn’t. But the point is, you made that choice. You got the world’s greatest memory, Amos. There’s nothing you can’t remember. Now I know that’s a blessing and a curse. And with your family and what happened to them it’s the worst of all possible things. But all the good stuff? All the happy times? You remember those too like they just happened. Hell, I can barely remember how my mom looked. I can’t really remember her touch or her smile. I can’t remember any of my birthdays when I was little. I just have to imagine how it was. But youcanremember that stuff. So, you could move to Siberia and be out in a blizzard and you just got to close your eyes and you’re right back here having dinner with your wife. Holding her hand. Getting Molly ready for school. Reading a book to her. It’s all there, dude. It’sallthere.”
Decker finally looked at him. “And that’s what’s so hard, Melvin.” His voice slightly shook. “I will always very clearly know, like it was yesterday, how damn much I lost.”
Mars rose, sat down next to his friend, and put his big arm around Decker’s wide shoulders. “And that’s what they call life, my friend. The good, the bad, and the ugly. But don’t let the last two diminish the first one, ’cause the first one’s the important one. You keep that one alive, man, you can face down anything. That is the gospel truth.”
The men sat there in silence, but still communicating exactly what they were feeling, as the best of friends often do.
