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Kate felt her stomach flip. ‘You like babies?’
‘I love them,’ he said, gazing tenderly down at Jacob. ‘But it makes me miss my nieces.’ He lowered his head and kissed Jacob’s forehead. ‘I’m in danger of getting broody.’
He wasn’t the only one.
And then he looked up and caught her expression. ‘What?’
‘Nothing… It’s just, not many men would openly admit to feeling broody.’
He shrugged. ‘I’ve always known I wanted kids. I don’t think that’s anything I should feel embarrassed about.’
‘Oh, goodness, of course not,’ she said, feeling mortified. ‘To be honest, I’m a bit sensitive when it comes to the whole baby thing. I’m not used to someone being so honest about their feelings. It’s my hang-up, not yours. I apologise.’
He raised an eyebrow. ‘Tristan the bastard, again?’
‘The one and only. He told me he wanted kids, but he kept finding excuses for us to wait. It was never the right time, or we needed to be more financially stable – one excuse after another. And then when everything came to light about his debts, I also discovered he’d been sleeping with our next-door neighbour and she was pregnant.’
Calvin’s eyes grew wide. ‘Christ, he really did a number on you, didn’t he?’
She nodded. ‘It was the lies that hurt the most. It wasn’t that he didn’t want kids; he just didn’t want them with me, and my self-esteem is struggling to recover from that.’
‘Understandably.’ He watched her for a moment. ‘Fancy a cuddle?’
The heat in her cheeks flamed and she instinctively took a step back – until she realised he was talking about Jacob, and she felt like such an idiot. Of course he wouldn’t be offering to cuddle her himself. What was she thinking?
‘Unless it’s too painful?’ he said, looking concerned. ‘I know sometimes cuddling other people’s kids can fill you with so much love you think you’re going to burst, and then other times it’s just a painful reminder of what you don’t have.’
Crikey, he really did get it.
Hot tears pricked her eyes. ‘My cousin Megan’s pregnant, and although I’m genuinely delighted for her—’
‘It feels like someone’s ripped your heart out?’
She nodded. ‘Got it in one.’
‘I get it, believe me.’ He offered her the baby, and when she nodded, he gently slid Jacob into her arms. The manoeuvre meant they were so close, she could feel the warmth radiating through his soft blue hoodie, the tickle of his breath as it skimmed her cheek, and the solid weight of his arm grazing her breast. ‘Did you need me for something?’
She looked up. ‘Sorry?’
His face was inches away from hers, his brown eyes darkened by dilated pupils. ‘You were looking for me earlier?’
‘Oh, right… yes, I was. I’m taking your advice and having a lunch break. I thought I could make myself useful and decorate the tree.’
With Jacob secure in her arms, she stepped away, needing to dispel the effect Calvin was having on her.
‘But I’m not sure whether you have any decorations, or whether I need to buy some.’ Not that she could afford to buy decorations, but there might be a pound shop nearby where she could spend a few quid. Her overdraft wasn’t going down anytime soon anyway.
‘You’re not spending your money on decorations for us. Besides, we already have some.’ He moved over to a sideboard and pulled it away from the wall, revealing a small door. ‘My uncle kept them under here. Are you all right holding Jacob?’
‘Of course. He’s out for the count.’ She gazed down at him sleeping and a rush of something washed over her. It was just as Calvin had described: a disabling mixture of pleasure and pain.
In the past, she’d always felt guilty for feeling sad when a friend or relative announced their good news. Now she realised it was inevitable and, more importantly, totally understandable.
She watched Calvin crawl into the narrow space. ‘How many secret rooms do you have here?’
‘Loads,’ he said, his voice fading as he disappeared inside. ‘The place is full of them.’
Kate took advantage of the wait to enjoy savouring the weight of Jacob lying in her arms.Will I ever experience this?she wondered. It seemed increasingly unlikely. Time was running away from her. Still, there was nothing she could do about it. Her focus remained on getting herself financially stable and ridding herself of crippling debt.
