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Mom cleared her throat. “Honey, we need to talk.”
“Do you think I’m deaf? Or blind? Like I can’t see what’s happening? Like I think all of this is normal?” I asked, waving madly around the room.
“Mia . . .” Dad tried to grab my arm, but I wrenched it away and sidestepped him.
“I told you this was affecting her,” my mother said, her eyes blazing as she stared at my father, accusation oozing from her pores.
“Oh, and I suppose it’s all my fault?” he snapped.
“Well, it sure ain’t all mine!”
Oh. My. Gosh.
I growled as I shoved my hands into my hair, yanking slightly at the roots, needing the slight discomfort as a reminder that I was, in fact, alive and standing in the living room with them. I was there—flesh and blood—they were just so blinded by their own anger to see me.
I squeezed my eyes closed as their bickering escalated, before I snapped, “Stop! For the love of all that’s holy. Just. Stop.”
The room fell silent. No denial, no arguments. Just silence.
Mom’s stunned expression at my outburst morphed into one of mortification. I never raised my voice to them, never lost my cool. They were so used to me being the “perfect” daughter. I did everything right to the point of exhaustion. The day I tried to choke Carson was probably the only time in my life I could remember doing anything worth punishing.
I didn’t wait for an answer or a response. Instead, I bounded up the stairs, letting the thudding sound of my footsteps be my closing argument, retreating into the haven of my room. Only a couple minutes later, I was antsy. I couldn’t sit still, and the knot in the back of my throat moved to my heart when my gaze landed on the mini Christmas tree lit up on my desk.
My stomach wrenched. Why wasn’t Carson responding to my texts or calling me back? Why’d he stand me up? Not once, but twice.
I flopped onto my bed and laid there, staring at the little plastic bulbs hanging from the artificial pine. I finally got my wish for silence, and now that I had it, it was ominous—the resounding death knell of my parent’s marriage and our life together as a family.
Unable to take it any longer, I got up, grabbed my phone and jacket, and headed for my car. I drove to the lakefront and parked in one of the public beach access parking lots. In the summer, these spots were like gold, but in late December, there wasn’t a car in sight.
I made my way up the old, wooden planked path, over the slope of land, that overlooked the beach area and paused. The soft lapping of water greeted me before the sight of the vast blue, and I knew from experience the dark waters would be cold as ice.
I watched for a moment, pushing my thoughts aside and letting the lake soothe me before I drew closer, my Converse chucks sinking into the damp sand the whole way.
I stood until the toes of my shoes were just far enough away from the water’s edge, not to risk getting soaked. I had no idea how long I stared out into the horizon before the dam on my thoughts broke, but once it did, everything came crashing in.
My parent’s marriage was over.
Ella was gone.
I got rejected from UNC.
I still haven’t heard from Duke, but it was probably a “no.”
Carson was avoiding me.
Soon, high school would be over, and where would I be?
All these things and more flooded my brain.
Not having any answers scared me, maybe more than anything. But one thing was clear. Nothing would ever be the same again.
#
After some time, I turned and made my way up the beach, then realized with a start that I wasn’t alone. Sometime during my mini breakdown, a small group of people had started a bonfire.
I watched as several guys lugged coolers onto the sand, and they began collecting driftwood for a fire. Then two girls ran down from the parking lot above, and I recognized them instantly—Tasha and Olivia. Not exactly the people I felt like running into.
The familiar peel of Olivia’s laughter drifted toward me, a warning that if I didn’t want to be seen, I’d better hurry and get away from the lake while they were distracted with setting up what was clearly going to be a small beach party. But it was too late because her eyes locked on mine just as I started for the stairs.
