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‘You’re making fun of me.’
‘Maybe, a little.’ But he looked a little sad now. ‘Hey, I’m sure that when you two meet up again, he’ll pull out all the stops for you. And think of it, how many women get the ring of their dreams handmade by their future husbands?’
‘That’s true,’ she said, but somehow the sparkle had come off the whole thing now. Perhaps it was just this place, talking about it amidst buzzers and the life-or-death balance of the intensive care unit. What did Finn know or care about her life? What on earth was she doing sitting here anyway, when she should be back at the flat catching up on her sleep?
*
When she did get back home, she could no more sleep than she might have if she’d just woken up after a long and peaceful night’s rest. The conversation with Finn had somehow distracted her, as if it had obliquely knocked her off balance and now, as she looked about her little flat, everything seemed to have taken on an unfamiliar quality. Instead, she wandered about the flat picking things up and opening drawers randomly, as if checking that everything was exactly where she expected it to be. And of course, everything was exactly as it was meant to be. She’d already tidied the place, so it didn’t look like quite the dump it had after Eddie had scrambled his bags together in a hurry for the week at home.
It was, she realised, actually really nice to have the place to herself – clean, tidy and fresh thanks to the window she’d opened to watch the snowflakes fall into the street below. She’d closed it quickly, and she’d shivered and pulled out the old cardigan that had once belonged to Rachel. She hardly ever wore it these days. When she pulled it on, it felt as if she had Rachel right next to her. She stood for a long time, just watching the snow fall, lost in her thoughts. When she looked at her watch again, it was almost midnight. She needed to get to bed.
It was the first night since Eddie went back for the Christmas holidays that she didn’t stumble into the room and collapse beneath the duvet. Instead, she took her time, had a lovely long shower, put on rich moisturiser and her favourite pyjamas from the hot press in the kitchen. The only other thing that could make it perfect was a hot chocolate, so she padded out and popped some milk on to heat.
It was as she was pulling down the box of chocolate powder that some bills and correspondence that Eddie had been ignoring for the last few weeks in the busy run-up to Christmas fell to the floor at her feet. She shook her head, picking them up; he really needed to make it his new year’s resolution to at least open his bills, she thought. She decided to leave them standing against the tea caddy so there would be no missing them when he got back, then, something caught her eye. The first letter had a handwritten note scrawled on the back of it.
What a funny place to write a note, she thought, picking it up and scanning down through the words. The writing was familiar, swirly and feminine, and it took a moment for her to understand exactly what she was reading. And then she realised, this note was definitely only meant to be read by Eddie.
8
Liv walked into the soft snowfall, tears racing down her cheeks. She was so cold, but still she dragged her heels, drawing out the journey back to the farmhouse for as long as possible. She was distraught. There was no other way of putting it. She had been so convinced that Eddie would propose. She’d been certain of it when she saw that ring in his workshop. And then, she wondered if she might have imagined it. These last few weeks, because they were short-staffed at the hospital, she’d taken on extra shifts. She was tired, agitated and, yes, maybe a bit stressed with the workload and having to organise everything for herself and Eddie and then the spectre of Barbara Quirke for Christmas.
For as long as Liv could remember, her biggest ambition had always been to be a wife and mother. It was old-fashioned and not the sort of thing she would admit to everyone, but it was the truth. She wanted to have a happy home, a big chaotic house, with home-made jam and long weekend family walks in the countryside. She wanted children, four at least and a dog, a great big daft thing that would almost jump out of its skin with excitement at the sight of her each morning. There was nothing wrong with that was there? It seemed like a simple enough aspiration; it was hardly up there with being president or Miss World. And yet it seemed just beyond her grasp.
Sometimes, she thought her life would never move on to the next stage and that made her feel completely depressed. It wasn’t that she didn’t value what she had. Liv knew she was lucky – she had her own flat, a job she loved and a family she treasured. She had Eddie. Now, that final thought made her heart sink like a stone. Yes. She had Eddie. She took a deep breath, stood stock-still; her face and her hair were damp now with the gentle snowflakes blowing towards her. She had to stop thinking like this; she knew it was dangerous territory. She had to remind herself how lucky she was to have him; after all, surely being with Eddie was better than being on her own?
She started to walk again, making excuses in her mind for the mix-up she’d made in thinking that tonight was the night he would propose to her. She was just tired and stressed, shattered from the last few weeks, weary from life in general. That sort of exhaustion, well it did things to you, didn’t it?
Yes. Perhaps that was it? She’d just imagined seeing that ring – that very special and unique ring with a curve of emeralds arranged like shooting stars.
But she didn’t imagine it. She knew she didn’t, because she could see it clearly in her memory; she could still feel the coldness of the gold against her skin. It was definitely her shooting-star ring and it was definitely in Eddie’s workshop.
And then, of course, she realised. He had never intended to propose to her at Christmas. Of course he hadn’t. That wouldn’t be Eddie’s style at all. A Christmas announcement would be much too traditional for Eddie Quirke and a little part of Liv wanted to curse him for raising her expectations so foolishly, but instead she started to smile, because he would just ask her out of the blue. She didn’t expect him to go down on bended knee, and there was a good chance he would do something completely unconventional, something that in his mind was a grand gesture, but to hers would be… maybe a little… less than that. But he was still Eddie, her Eddie, and she would try to love it however he went about it.
The problem was that knowing it, now she would have to spend her whole time on her best behaviour so as not to put him off track if he’d already picked out a day in his head. Oh, Eddie. It wasn’t his fault; she knew that.
Clouds had covered over the moon and stars; there was nothing but a black ceiling above her, cutting off the heavens, or any shooting stars that Rachel might think of casting in her direction.
This was crazy. She needed to take the future into her own hands and make the most of the life before her. Hadn’t she enough to be worrying about? Wasn’t her dad’s angiogram enough to preoccupy her? She loved Eddie; that was the main thing. All the other little niggling things, like how long it was taking him to propose and the fact that she still couldn’t say she loved his mother – well, they were just periphery – when they were married, they wouldn’t matter one bit.
And Barbara Quirke wasn’t that bad; Christmas had gone off all right, hadn’t it? In the end. She could live with Barbara as her mother-in-law, so long as they didn’t come home too often and she closed her ears to her put-downs and curbed her inclination to tell her to mind her own business occasionally.
Liv dumped the stupid book at the back of the hall stand when she arrived home. From the living room, she heard the low sounds of a television programme playing away and, she knew, more than likely being ignored. She ran to the bathroom and scrubbed her face clean from the little amount of make-up she’d been wearing earlier and then put on her pyjamas before she looked around the sitting room door to see if anyone would like a hot drink before bedtime.
‘Huh, what time is it?’ Her father stirred; perhaps not really realising he’d been asleep at all. Her mother was snoring contentedly on the couch. On the TV, Batman was slugging it out with Superman – hardly her parents’ cup of tea. ‘Nothing for me, dear, but come in, tell us all about what’s happening down in the village.’ Her father hadn’t left the farm since midnight mass on Christmas Eve – no need, everything he wanted was right here.
‘Oh, not a lot, the usual carry-on. The older team managed to win the match, but Eddie was out in the first fifteen minutes.’
‘Sent off?’ Her father shook his head. Eddie had always been what her father called a ‘dirty player’. He was as likely to strike out at an opponent as he was to put the ball in the back of the net.
‘But there was a good crowd in Flannelly’s.’ She turned towards her mother who had just woken up. ‘We met Anya; she seems good after the break-up. She’s looking for a place to stay in Dublin.’
‘Well, no better girl; I have a feeling that Anya is well able to look after herself. You didn’t offer her your spare room, did you?’ Her mother looked at her through narrowed eyes; her family thought she was a soft touch for every waif and stray.
‘No, of course not.’ She didn’t mention that Maya would have murdered her if she had and she was probably right – the flat was hardly big enough for her and Eddie, never mind Anya and the extensive wardrobe that she’d acquired while she was going out with Pete.
‘Good. I was never keen on that girl; always had a feeling that wherever she goes there’ll be trouble not far after her,’ her father said uncharacteristically. ‘Don’t look at me like that – I know more about the world than just sheep and lambs.’ He squeezed Liv’s hand affectionately.
‘It’s lovely to be home for Christmas,’ Liv said and the words had come from nowhere. Or maybe, they were just a reaction to the disappointment that Eddie’s gift had left her with. But it was nice, to be sitting here in the big old farmhouse, surrounded by the people who would love her no matter what happened.
