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LANDRY
Ihave the strangestdream. In it, Neal dies under the weight of a beast’s rage. I move to a castle with the kids. The beast is really a prince. And we all live happily ever after.
Waking from the early morning sunlight warming my face, I realize I’m in a strange bed. The beast hasn’t turned into a prince yet. He rests on his side next to me. I can’t see his face under all his dark, wavy hair. He’s dressed in a black T-shirt and matching boxers. Even with him in nearly a fetal position, I’m alarmed by how massive he is.
I study Silas while rubbing my sore lip. He got irritated with me a lot last night. I felt him losing his temper. More than once, I thought he’d hit me.
Sometimes, Neal would get so frustrated that he’d grab hold of my shoulders and shake me. I don’t know what he hoped would happen. Did he think he’d shake some sense into me? If so, he was always disappointed.
I gave up my common sense long ago. If I hadn’t, I would have gone insane. Men like Neal wanted everything from their women. I should be savvy enough to handle all the problems and create order in the chaos yet also pathetic enough to stay with an idiot like him.
In the end, he got the loser he deserved. As a wife, I offered him little. I saved my energy for the kids.
What can I offer a man like Silas? To keep my babies safe, I’ll give him whatever he wants. I’m past dreaming of anything for myself.
I don’t know what to do when Silas doesn’t wake. Sliding out of his big bed, I admire the view out the windows. At the old house, my bedroom had a small window up high. We never got much light.
This room is sort of circular with the windows wrapping around the outer wall. I notice a garden nearby filled with yellow, red, and white flowers. Behind the garden are dense woods with sky-high trees. The view is relaxing yet I feel like I’m coming out of my skin.
Sliding out of bed, I find Silas still asleep. I’d love more sleep, but my kids will soon be awake. I don’t have much time to get cleaned up.
I check my babies on the little device next to Silas’s bed. The four of them are still resting. I bet the mattress is better than what they’re used to. They might even sleep in late with how quiet this house is compared to our neighborhood.
My socked feet silence my movements. Last night, I noticed my garbage bag/suitcase next to a dresser. I carefully pick it up and disappear into the bathroom.
Once the door is shut, I look in the mirror and find a woman unworthy of Silas’s fussing. He is a man obsessed with a fantasy. What happens when he realizes he fucked up? I think of his knuckles and promise myself he won’t use them on me or the kids.
“He’s a gentle beast,” I whisper to myself before locating a clean outfit in the bag.
Most of my maternity clothes were bought or given to me back when I had Blair. They’re well past worn. I only have four bottoms, which I wear in constant rotation. No way can I make these outfits look sexy.
I consider when Silas first saw me. Months ago, I was in these same ragged clothes. I was already showing. I probably wasn’t wearing much makeup. If he got jazzed over that messy thirty-year-old mom, I assume he has weird taste. He might find my purple maternity shirt with the beach ball belly to be the most seductive thing ever.
His bathroom is spotless. Rather than bleach or Pine-Sol, the scent reminds me of cranberries. I study the double sinks, massive soaking bath, and a wide shower built for a giant man.
Though I’d love to soak in the huge bathtub, I don’t want to waste the water. Besides, I’m certain as soon as I get comfortable, I’ll hear a baby or beast in need of attention.
Buck naked, I struggle to figure out what the fancy shower knobs do in Silas’s stone shower. I mess around with them all until hot water flows from a particular showerhead. I feel weird sitting my bare ass on the shower seat. Yet, I’m worn out and my head hurts.
