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“Sometimes. It’s hard not to miss your parents, even if they did you wrong.”
“Is it okay if I feel bad for Dad, even though he hurt you and broke my arm?”
“You can feel whatever you want, Blair. Anger, sadness, fear. There are no wrong feelings. Your dad wasn’t a bad man because he felt anger. He was a bad man because he used that anger as an excuse to hurt people like you and me. We never did anything really bad to him. You sassed off. I forgot to make the dinner he wanted. Those aren’t real reasons to beat on people. So, as long as you don’t use your bad feelings to do bad things, you’re not a bad person.”
“Does your mouth hurt?”
“Not as much as your arm,” I mumble, as her pained cries from last night echo in my head. “I’m so sorry you got hurt, baby.”
Blair hugs me. “You tried to stop him.”
“I don’t want you to feel guilty about what happened to your dad or me. You’re just a kid. It’s not your fault when adults do stupid or bad things.”
Seeming calmer now, Blair asks, “Do you think Nomad will find Succotash?”
“I don’t know. He isn’t very patient. But she didn’t get fed last night. I bet she’ll be on the porch waiting for attention.”
Allowing a little grin, she says, “Do you think she’ll like this house? It’s so big.”
“She’s going to tear up Silas’s fancy couches.”
Blair smiles before sinking back into a dark place.
Stroking her cheek, I ask, “Are you worried about changing schools?”
“I don’t have a lot of friends, but I know where everything is.”
“I know. Maybe you should finish out the year in Beehive Ridge. That’ll give you time to get used to this new house before you need to learn a new school,” I say and then get honest with her in a way I can’t with her brothers and sister. “I don’t know if Silas will change his mind about me. If he does, don’t feel bad. It’s not you. He just might realize I’m not what he wants.”
“Where will we go if he changes his mind?” she asks as her blue eyes fill with fear.
“I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out.”
Rational to a fault, Blair points out, “We have no money.”
“Maybe Silas will feel guilty enough to help us find somewhere new. I could get a job.”
“Who’s going to take care of four little kids?”
Frowning, I realize there are downsides to having a smart kid. Blair doesn’t buy into my fairy tales anymore. She’s too sensible to see an imaginary pot of gold at the end of our arduous rainbow.
The reality is we’ll likely end up squeezed by Neal’s family until I’m scrambling for a new man to save us. It’s all I know how to do.
“Blair, I don’t know the answers,” I admit since she needs the truth now. “I didn’t protect you last night. If Silas hadn’t shown up, I can’t imagine what today would be like. I’m not smart or strong enough to fix our life on my own.”
Blair wipes my tears. “It’s not your fault.”
“I’m the adult, but I never know the answers. And I don’t know what’ll happen with Silas. I didn’t expect this place when he had us leave our house. Look at this room. It’s so pretty, and it’s special for you. Beau’s looks so sweet, too. I don’t know what kind of man does this and then also kills someone. I’m so over my head here. I want you to feel safe, but I don’t know the answers.”
“It’s okay,” she whispers. “When Dad grabbed me, you ran at him and yelled. He might have hurt me more, but you figured out how to make him focus all his angry stuff on you. Then, you took me to the clinic. I got fixed up. You figured it out. I trust you.”
Crying despite my smiles, I hold my daughter against me and want her to have everything. Why can’t she grow up in a quiet, beautiful house? Why shouldn’t she get a chance to go to college, find a good job, travel the world, and live free in a way I never did?
Blair doesn’t deserve a doomed life just because she was born to loser parents. Despite my fears, there’s no rule that says she’ll end up just like me. Maybe my dreams for her are attainable.
Embracing the peaceful nature of the house, I don’t let myself worry about the angry man who calls this place home. Instead, I bring the kids to see their rooms.
Beau doesn’t like the long hallways, getting confused immediately in the expansive one-story. Yet, once in his room, he smiles at the light features and instantly chills out. The bucket of blocks in the corner also soothes him.
