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This is horrible. His tongue is flopping around in my mouth, his beard is scratchy, and I can feel my skin already reddening underneath it. I have no idea what he’s attempting to do with my nipple, but I’m tempted to tell him that he’ll get the rinse and spin cycle if he turns the other way. The fingers of the hand he has on my crotch are stroking me through my jeans, but in my unaroused state the whole experience is chafe-y and unpleasant.
‘No,’ I say to him as I pull away and stand up, adjusting my bra so it’s back in the correct position. ‘I don’t want this. I think I should go now.’
He looks mortified. ‘I’m sorry. It was a crass thing to do. It’s just that we’ve been getting on so well, and you look so amazing, I couldn’t help myself. Please stay and finish your coffee at least. I’ll behave, I promise,’ he says.
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea. Look, it was nice to see you this evening. I’m glad work is going well for you, but there’s never going to be anything between you and me. Goodnight, Josh.’
I stand up and walk out of the flat, closing the door softly behind me. By the time I reach the main door of the apartment block, I’ve already unfriended him and blocked him. As I drive away, I spot his silhouette in the window, watching me. His shoulders are slumped in defeat, but I feel no sympathy for him at all.
25
It’s the first episode ofMarried Before We Mettonight. Mum and Dad are eager to watch it, so Mads is picking me up and then we’re going to have something to eat with my parents and all watch it together. She was typically robust when I told her what had happened with Josh, and berated me for even considering going up to the flat.
As I’m leaving the surgery, Rachel is gathering her stuff together.
‘Any plans for the evening?’ I ask her.
‘Going out with a few friends. Nothing special. You?’
‘Oh, no plans. Quiet night in, I reckon.’
Breathing a sigh of relief that it doesn’t sound like she watches the show, I head out to the car park and drive home.
Mads arrives early and is practically bouncing off the walls with excitement.
‘I’m finally going to see Ed the bastard in the flesh!’ she enthuses. ‘I’m going to be flicking V signs at him whenever he’s on screen, so be prepared.’
‘You’ve already seen him on LinkedIn, remember? And I’m still not convinced he’s a bastard.’
‘That was only a tiny picture. I’m going to see him properly now, hear his voice and pick up his mannerisms. I need to understand what you saw in him. How do you feel about seeing him again?’
I’m not really sure how I feel. I still think about him, of course, and sometimes I wonder how things might have been different if my phone hadn’t ended up in the ice bucket and I’d managed to speak to him directly. Would he have answered? Would he have had the guts to tell me to my face that he didn’t want to see me, rather than hiding behind his PA? Mads and I do at least agree that it was pretty cowardly of him to get her to do the dirty work, much as I don’t like her, but the raw ache of missing him has subsided.
Mads’ enthusiasm is infectious, however, and by the time we sit down to watch the programme, she’s carried my parents along with her.
‘I liked him,’ my mother tells her, wistfully. ‘He and Charlotte made a lovely couple. Such a pity that he turned out the way he did. He seemed so genuine.’
The credits roll, the voice over explains the concept, and there’s a montage of the selection process. This year’s experts are a psychologist, a relationship counsellor, and a neuro-psychotherapist, whatever one of those is. The first couple to be matched are John and Daisy. He’s a farmer from the West Country and she’s a showjumper.
‘Good match,’ Mads declares. ‘Both outdoorsy, country people.’
‘I’m not so sure,’ I opine. ‘Physically they’re very different. He’s huge, and she’s a tiny thing. He could probably crush her with one hand.’
‘As long as she goes on top, they’ll be fine!’ she replies, causing my mother’s eyebrows to shoot up.
‘They don’t show us… you know?’ she asks.
Mads bursts out laughing. ‘Relax, Christine. I know it’s Channel 4 but there won’t be any funny business, I promise.’
The next couple is Ed and Sarah. Even after all this time, my heart lurches when I see him, but I try not to give anything away. Mads will spot even the tiniest sign of weakness. Sarah is very pretty; she’s also an entrepreneur with her own cosmetics company.
‘Well, that’s a stupid match straight away!’ I exclaim.
Mads raises her eyebrows and studies me for a moment. I can feel her eyes boring into mine, as if she’s trying to read my mind. ‘You seem to feel surprisingly strongly about this, Charley,’ she observes, eventually. ‘Would you like to share your reasoning with the room?’
So much for my poker face. I might as well have stood up and announced that I still feel something for him.
‘He’s a lawyer working long hours,’ I explain, desperately trying to cover my tracks. ‘She’s got her own company so is bound to work all the hours she can. They’re never going to see each other.’
