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‘Umm, Toby, we have a problem,’ I tell him.
‘What’s up?’ he asks, still looking out of the window.
‘Turn around,’ I command, and he does. As he spots what I’ve seen, his eyes widen.
‘Ah,’ he says. ‘Yes, that’s awkward.’
Instead of a separate bathroom, the shower, washbasin and toilet are all in the room itself. There are frosted glass partitions, which I imagine are designed to protect a little bit of modesty, but frankly they’re not going to leave anything to the imagination. On top of that, the sound of either of us using the toilet is going to be very clearly audible. Some things, no matter how intimate you are with someone, should remain strictly private.
‘What are we going to do?’ he asks.
My mind is whirling. I cross to the telephone by the bed and dial down to reception. I recognise the voice of the same receptionist and ask her whether all the rooms in the hotel have the same layout.
‘Non, Mademoiselle,’ she replies. ‘The superior rooms are larger and have balconies, and the executive rooms are larger still, with desks for working and separate bathrooms with bath and shower.’
‘And are any of the executive rooms available?’ I ask her. I can hear her tapping at her computer and, after a moment or two, she comes back.
‘Oui, Mademoiselle. We can certainly transfer you if you wish. It will be an extra two hundred euros per night. Is that OK?’
No, it bloody well isn’t OK! ‘I need to consult my boyfriend,’ I tell her. ‘I’ll call back if we decide to move.Merci.’
‘What did you find out?’ Toby asks.
‘The good news,’ I tell him, ‘is that they do have some rooms where the bathroom is separate. The bad news is that it’ll cost an extra four hundred euros for the two nights.’
‘I can go halves with you, if that helps?’
I sit on the bed and ponder our predicament. Toby sits in one of the chairs by the window, waiting for me to decide our next move.
‘I don’t think it does,’ I say, eventually. ‘We’re not sticking to the brief if we upgrade. The whole point is that we’re supposed to stay in standard accommodation to experience it as the majority of the public would. I doubt the hotel orVoyages Luxeswould cover the extra cost either, because it’s not what they signed up to. I think we’re stuck with this room.’
‘OK, well I can go for a walk up and down the corridors or somewhere while you’re showering or whatever, and then you can do the same when I am.’
‘Yes, but what about getting up in the morning, or getting ready for bed? That means one of us is prowling around out there in our pyjamas, and I think that might raise an eyebrow or two with our fellow guests. Plus, what if I need to wee in the middle of the night? Am I supposed to wake you up and throw you out while I go? I can’t see that one working. God, what if one of us needs to poo? I really don’t think I could cope with listening to, let alone smelling your bowel movements, and I’d rather stick a cork up my arse than have you listening to mine.’
‘Who on earth thought this was a good design?’ Toby wonders out loud.
‘I have seen it once before, actually,’ I tell him. ‘The Park Inn in Alexanderplatz, Berlin. I remember thinking it a little odd at the time, but I was on my own, so the full implications didn’t really hit me.’
‘So, what’s the plan?’ he asks.
‘I don’t know. Let me think some more.’
I try to work out every option that we have, but they all come to dead ends. We have no balcony, so we can’t wrap up warm and go out there. We can’t upgrade. We could pretend to have had a massive row and reserve a second room, but the cost would probably be even more prohibitive than upgrading. In the end there’s only one way I can think of to make this work, but it goes against everything that Toby and I agreed, and it makes my palms sweat just thinking about it. Fiercely, I wrack my brains one last time for a viable alternative, but nothing else comes. I decide to lead Toby up to it gently, buying myself extra time in the process, in case there’s a solution I’ve missed.
‘I think the fundamental problem we have here,’ I begin, ‘is that the people who normally stay in these rooms are actual couples.’
Toby is looking at me earnestly. ‘Yes…’ he says.
‘So, for them, being undressed around each other wouldn’t be an issue.’
‘No,’ he agrees.
‘So…’ I pause, giving my frantic brain one last chance to come up with anything else before I press the nuclear button. ‘We either upgrade, which will hit me much harder in the wallet than I can stomach and also takes us off the brief, or…’
‘Or what?’
‘Or we have to learn to be comfortable being undressed around each other,’ I say quickly, trying to make it sound like the most natural thing in the world.
