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‘It sounds to me like you also need a bit of space then. You need to work out how you feel about him before you have any further conversation with him.’
‘I know you’re right,’ I tell her. ‘It just goes against my nature to let this thing fester between us.’
‘You’ve got no choice, I’m afraid. Now, what’s all this aboutVoyages Luxes?’
‘I don’t know, but I’m worried. Peter Smallbone was so angry at the dinner, and he’s always hated me, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s come up with some new reason for them to let me go. It shouldn’t bother me, because I’ve pretty much decided to give it up anyway, but I just want to go on my terms, rather than being thrown out.’
‘This is new. What’s brought this on?’
‘Oh, lots of things. Part of it’s related to Toby, because I’ve really enjoyed working with him, and doing it on my own just doesn’t seem like fun any more. My dad had another go at me as well, the same old “you need to stop faffing around and get a proper job” routine. I always knew I wouldn’t do this forever, and I suppose now feels like the right time for a change.’
‘But what will you do?’
‘I don’t know yet. I’ve got some savings that will tide me over for a while, so I don’t need to rush into anything. I’d like to stay in the travel industry if I can, otherwise all the experience I’ve had so far kind of goes to waste.’
‘Well, good luck. Ring me afterwards and let me know what happens, OK? I should be around, as I don’t go back to work until the fifth. Oh, and ring me if you hear from Toby, or you come to any definite conclusions.’
‘Thanks. Sorry, this wasn’t much of a fun call, was it?’
‘I must admit it’s very unlike you to get yourself in quite such a mess. But you’re a fighter. You’ll sort it all out, because that’s what you always do.’
‘I really hope you’re right,’ I tell her, as we end the call.
26
JANUARY
My nerves are jangling as I approach theVoyages Luxesoffices. Over the last few days, I’ve concocted ever more fanciful scenarios, from simple mistakes in my expenses, to a dream I had last night where Toby and I were accused of taking bribes to write positively about a hotel that hadn’t even been built yet. At least Toby was in the dream, so it wasn’t all bad.
I still haven’t heard anything from him. It’s been nine days now, not that I’m counting. The longest we’ve gone without speaking over the last six months has been a week, and that was because I was in the middle of nowhere in Botswana with no internet connection. Despite promising myself that I’d leave him alone, I’ve tried to ring him twice more and got his voicemail both times. I miss him so much. I just want to hear his voice, to laugh with him again. It sounds ridiculous, particularly from someone who values their independence as much as I do, but I feel kind of incomplete without him, like there’s a part of me missing because he’s not around.
I’m the only visitor today and, after announcing myself to the receptionist, I take a seat in the waiting area. Being here reminds me of meeting Toby for the first time. It’s amazing to think that it was only a year ago. It feels like I’ve known him for much longer. My anxiety about what this meeting might entail combines with my ache of longing to hear from Toby to form a heavy pool of misery in the pit of my stomach. It’s all I can do to stop myself from just getting up and running away.
I spot Mark in one of the meeting rooms as I look around. Peter Smallbone and a woman I don’t know are also in there with him. Oh great, Peter’s going to get to witness my humiliation this time. I feel the bile rising inside me and focus all my energy on not being sick. I shouldn’t be this nervous; I’ve already decided I don’t want to do this any more, but I want to walk out of here with my head held high and my pride intact. Looking at the occupants of the room, it seems like that’s not going to be how this ends.
After what feels like an age, they all get up and leave the meeting room. Peter and the woman walk back through the barriers into the main office area, and Mark starts walking towards me. It seems Peter is being denied his moment of ultimate victory after all, and he doesn’t look very happy about it. I stand up straight, determined to face my firing squad with courage. For the last few minutes, I’ve been silently repeating the phrase ‘I won’t let them break me, I’m worth more than this’ to myself, and it seems to have helped a little.
‘Madison, thank you for coming in.’ Mark extends his hand to me, and I notice that he looks tired. I shake his hand and follow him silently to the meeting room. He closes the door but leaves the blinds open. I wonder if this is so Peter can watch from a hidden location, and then tell myself I’m being paranoid.
‘Please, take a seat.’ His voice is very downbeat and serious, and my palms start sweating. Maybe, if what I’ve done isn’t too bad, we’ll be able to agree on a narrative where I decide not to pitch for any more work fromVoyages Luxes, rather than him letting me go. That might work. I sit ramrod straight in the chair and prepare myself to hear what he has to say. Another woman I don’t know slips into the room.
‘OK,’ he sighs, as he slumps into a chair opposite me. ‘Madison, this is Jane, from our HR department. She is here to make sure that due process is followed. I have a statement here, which I have to read to you in full. You can comment at the end. Do you understand?’
My heart is thudding and I’m now genuinely worried that I’m going to throw up. I look around to see if there’s a bin or something, in case of emergency, and spot one in the corner of the room. This all sounds much more severe than even my bribery dream.
‘I understand,’ I tell them, and my voice croaks with tension.
He puts on his glasses, looks down at the page in front of him and begins to read: ‘It has been brought to our attention that an incident took place at the gala dinner on the twenty-third of December last year, involving you and Peter Smallbone. We understand that Peter was verbally abusive to you, and also acted in a physically threatening manner towards you.Voyages Luxestakes all incidents of this nature extremely seriously. We expect our staff, and anyone else representing our company, to adhere to our code of conduct at all times when carrying out company business. This includes social occasions hosted by the company, such as the gala dinner. We have therefore conducted a full investigation and spoken to everyone who was on the same table as you, as well as those on neighbouring tables. Without exception, those who were aware of the incident have described his behaviour as unprovoked and shocking, and some even went so far as to make special mention of your calm professionalism in such an extreme situation. We have spoken with Peter and explained the severity of his breach of our code of conduct. He is leavingVoyages Luxeswith immediate effect. On behalf ofVoyages Luxes, I would like to offer you a formal apology. I’m bound to advise you that it is within your statutory rights, even as a self-employed agent, to make a claim to an employment tribunal, should you feel that our actions in this instance have been insufficient. Do you have any comment you would like to make at this stage?’
‘Fuck.’ The word is out of my mouth before I can stop it. I see Jane’s eyebrows shoot up.
‘Sorry,’ I continue. ‘This is such a complete shock.’
‘That’s OK, Madison,’ Jane says. ‘You don’t need to commit now, and obviously you can change your mind at any time, but it would be incredibly helpful if you were able to give us some idea about whether you intend to take this further.’
‘God, no!’ I exclaim. ‘Poor Peter. I know we never got on, but is he OK? You didn’t have to fire him because of me. I bet he hates me even more now.’
‘We didn’t fire him “because of you”,’ Jane explains, gently. ‘On the twenty-seventh of December we received a complaint, via email, from another occupant of your table, who was concerned by the way he spoke to you and his threatening behaviour. Mark and I have been working flat out to establish what happened since then, and the evidence we uncovered left us with no option but to dismiss him on the grounds of gross misconduct.’
