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He does at least ask me if I’d like a cup of tea or coffee when we reach the meeting room, but I have no desire to string this out longer than necessary, so I decline and we take our seats.
‘Before we start, I have to tell you that I’m only authorised to share any financial records pertaining to Nora’s Diner with the appointed director, Mr Moorhouse. What this means is that, while we can have atheoreticaldiscussion today about your concerns and the possible way forward, we can’t do anythingconcretewithout his approval, I’m afraid.’ He smiles, obviously happy that he’s managed to outmanoeuvre me so swiftly.
‘Let me help you with that,’ I reply, and hand him the documents from Jonathan. ‘As you will see, the directorship of the café has already transferred to me. I’m also the signatory on the bank account. I think that means that we probably can have some fairlyconcretediscussions, don’t you?’
I may have landed a blow, but he’s not on the ropes yet, that’s for sure. He changes tack seamlessly, and his manner is no less patronising than when he started.
‘Very well. Mr Moorhouse has obviously been very efficient, as usual. So, on the phone you mentioned that you were unhappy with our fees?’
‘I am. Not only do I think they’re unnecessarily high for the work that you’re doing, but you will know as well as I do that the café was barely breaking even before my great-uncle died. Your fees are threatening to sink it completely.’
‘Have you done any research to find out what accountants normally charge for their services?’
‘I have, as a matter of fact.’ I’m keeping my cards close to my chest. I’m quite enjoying the fact that he obviously thinks I’m a silly young woman; it will make the big reveal all the more satisfying.
‘Google is a fickle mistress, Miss Jones. As I explained on the phone, you may be able to find firms who advertise a lower rate than us, but they will either quickly hit you with a raft of hidden charges, so that you actually end up paying more overall, or they will lack our ability to optimise your tax position and you’ll end up paying more in duties. If the café is making a loss, then my advice to you would be to address that within the business itself, rather than cutting your ties with us. I hope I’ve managed to explain why that would certainly be a false economy in the long run.’
‘Can I ask a question?’
‘Of course, I’m here to help in any way I can.’
‘How do you plan to “optimise the tax position” of a small business that’s currently making a loss? There isn’t exactly any money to hide, is there? Furthermore, the rules governing tax and so on are very clear, so if you’re being creative with the numbers in any way, there is substantial risk to me. There’s a very fine line indeed between creative accounting and fraud.’
This time I’ve landed a decent blow. I can see his eyes harden behind his glasses. Bring it on.
‘Fraud is not a word we like to use in these offices, Miss Jones,’ he replies, and his voice has lost its smugness. There’s a bit of an edge to it now. I’m starting to wonder whether their accounting methods are, in fact, on the wrong side of ‘creative’, but that’s not part of the battle I’m here to fight. I decide to close in for the kill instead.
‘I’ve actually found someone who is able to do everything that you can do, at no charge,’ I tell him.
The look of surprise that crosses his face is so fleeting that I almost miss it but, to his credit, he’s not done yet.
‘I assume this person is an acquaintance of yours? Relying on friends is hardly sound business practice, Miss Jones. What if you were to have a falling out, or they found they didn’t have time to do your accounts because of other work? I must counsel you against any type of informal relationship. They never end well. At Horncastle’s, we always strive to make sure that every customer knows that they are our top priority.’
That’s bullshit, and I know it. I file it away to tell Grace when I get back to work. She’ll love it.
‘I’m not talking about a friend. I’m going to be doing the books from here.’
‘You?’ The surprise is unmistakeable now.
‘Yes, me. I’m a qualified accountant, so I’m sure you’ll agree I have the necessary skills.’ This isn’t strictly true as I’m an accounting technician rather than an accountant, but I’m given a lot of responsibilities beyond my job role, so I don’t feel uncomfortable with the tiny lie.
I’ve got him. Checkmate. He has nowhere to go, and I can see from his face that he knows it. Time to put him out of his misery.
‘If you have no further objections, Mr Carter,’ I continue, smiling as sweetly as I can, ‘I would like to request that you hand over the books at your earliest convenience, along with your final invoice. I’ll take it from here.’ I slide a piece of paper with my address on it across the table.
He is a gracious loser, at least, and takes the paper. ‘If you’re happy to wait until the next banking run is complete, I’ll send everything after that. I hope you agree that’s a good cut-off point?’
‘That sounds perfect. Thank you.’
I almost dance back down the hill to the café. The meeting was so much more fun than it had any right to be. I hope Mr Carter will learn from it, and not dismiss any other young women as readily as he tried to dismiss me. When I walk through the door, I notice that Rita is almost puce with rage. Can this afternoon get any better, I wonder?
‘You blocked me in!’ she thunders. ‘My Derek will be waiting for his tea, but it’s going to be late now, because of you.’
Oh no you don’t.
‘Tell me, Rita,’ I ask, keeping my voice light and unconfrontational, ‘who gave you permission to park there?’
‘Nobody was using it.’
