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As soon as they’ve left, I head into the bedroom, draw the curtains, and lie down. I close my eyes, expecting to fall asleep immediately like I normally do these days but, for some reason, sleep proves elusive. My mind is whirring, processing what Bronwyn said about Matt’s mother being a narcissist. If she’s right, and it’s a plausible theory, then there’s no way she’s ever going to let him go, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I realise I’ve lost the only man who I ever truly loved to a woman I have no way of competing with, and bitter tears start to flow.
I don’t know how long I lie there, crying silently in the dark. It feels like hours, but it can’t be because it’s still light outside when I decide that sleep is not going to come and get up. I pace around the flat for a bit, but it feels confined and oppressive for some reason. I need to get out into the fresh air, so I decide that I’ll go and join Katie and Bronwyn on their walk after all. I know Knole Park is a big space, so I might not see them, but being outdoors will definitely do me some good. I grab my coat, scarf, hat, and gloves and head out to the van. It’s busy on the little road behind the park, but I spot Bronwyn’s mum’s car and find a space a little further up the road that’s just big enough for me.
When I first got the van, I did find reversing a struggle. It’s got beepers to tell you how close you are to things, but I couldn’t initially make the connection between what I was seeing in the mirrors and what I needed to do. Matt was as good as his word, though, and after a few hours reversing it and practising parking it alongside his van, I got the hang of it. The memory of that afternoon, and our celebratory lovemaking afterwards, starts the tears again as I slot the van neatly into the space.
‘For fuck’s sake, Daisy,’ I tell myself angrily as I wipe them away.
Although the sun is out, it’s that weak winter sun that has no warmth in it, and the wind is bitterly cold as I let myself through the gate and into the park. It hasn’t rained for a while, so the ground is still reasonably firm underfoot, and there are a lot of people here. My eye is initially drawn to a young family ahead of me as I set off down the main path. They’ve got a toddler on reins, and I can’t help smiling at the slightly comical way he waddles determinedly ahead of them. A jogger gives me a nod as she passes, earbuds firmly in place. I’ve never understood jogging, partly because I’d need a sports bra made out of industrial scaffolding to keep my boobs under control, but also because it seems to be such a joyless activity. Sometimes you see a couple of people jogging together, or a group, and I can understand that, but the solo pounding in all weathers, with nothing but whatever is on your playlist and the ragged sound of your own breath for company? That doesn’t sound like fun to me. Also, I’ve read that it does terrible things to your knees in the long run. I reckon I’m probably active enough, being on my feet all day six days a week. I’ve certainly lost weight since I took on the café; although I’m surrounded by food all day, I hardly ever get time to eat anything.
I raise my eyes just in time to see another jogger have a close shave with a Labrador. The dog is on one of those extending leads and has dashed across the path to investigate a smell, right in front of the jogger. There’s a brief exchange where it looks like the dog owner is apologising, and the jogger waves to them as he sets off again. One of Grandad’s favourite phrases comes into my head. ‘I reckon you’re born with a certain number of heartbeats in you. No point in running around using them up for no reason.’ They should be boarding the ship any minute now. I hope they have an amazing time.
The fresh air is definitely doing me good. I’m walking fairly briskly so I’m actually quite warm in my coat, although my face feels like it’s starting to go numb in the biting wind. There’s no sign of Katie and Bronwyn, but I don’t mind. I’m just enjoying being out of the flat and in the open air. For the first time in ages, I don’t actually feel tired, and I savour the sensation. I turn left, following the path on what I hope will be a wide circuit, and smile as I see the same Labrador straining at the leash once more. It’s spotted a couple of deer and is obviously desperate to investigate, but the owner is firmly dragging it away while the deer look on warily.
This part of the park is quieter. I’m off the main drag and there are fewer people around. I can see the main road to Sevenoaks through the fence to my right, so I’m happy that I know where I am and I’m heading in the right direction. I decide to follow the fence round; it should eventually lead me back to the gate I came in through. As I get closer to re-joining the main path, I spot a familiar-looking figure in an instantly recognisable bobble hat sitting on a bench up ahead. Bronwyn is facing away from me and is therefore oblivious to my approach. As I get closer, I can see that Katie is with her and I speed up, hoping to join them before they move on. I’m probably no further than six feet away when I’m stopped dead in my tracks.
Katie and Bronwyn are snogging each other’s faces off.
For a moment, I’m too stunned to move. My mind is completely unable to process the scene in front of me and is frantically trying to work out if there can be any explanation for what I’m seeing, other than the obvious one. Thankfully, they’re so engrossed in each other that they haven’t noticed me approach and, once I’ve recovered from my initial shock, I turn and hurriedly retrace my footsteps.
By the time I get back to the van, a number of things are starting to drop into place and make sense, particularly my discomfort about the picture of Katie that I saw in Bronwyn’s sketch pad and the intensity of the look in her eyes. I wonder if I was wrong about Katie just having woken up when the sketch was drawn. Maybe they’d just had sex, or were just about to have sex. I’m no prude and I’ve got nothing against gay people at all, I just don’t want an image of my sister having sex with anyone, male or female, in my head. That’s just weird.
31
‘You look better, did you have a good sleep?’ Katie asks, as she bounces through the door about half an hour after I get home. Her nose is bright red from the cold and her cheeks are flushed. I study her as she hangs up her coat. She’s radiant. How did I never notice before? She doesn’t wait for an answer but heads straight for the kitchen.
‘I’m going to make a cup of tea. Do you want one?’ she calls.
‘Yes, please.’ Since I’ve got home, I’ve been trying to think how best to broach the subject of what I saw at the park with her, but I haven’t come up with anything yet. As she busies herself in the kitchen, I think about how much she’s changed over the last few months. I’d just assumed that she was growing up and becoming more confident in herself and, to be fair, I’ve been so wrapped up in my own life with the café and then Matt that maybe I haven’t been as observant as I might have been before.
‘Here you go.’ Katie puts the mugs on the table and settles herself next to me, tucking one leg underneath her as she always does.
‘I couldn’t sleep,’ I tell her. ‘So I came up to Knole Park to see if I could find you.’
‘Oh, you should have called! We could have arranged a place to meet. What a shame. It was beautiful up there today, though, wasn’t it? Where did you go?’
‘I just did a bit of a circuit. I did see you and Bronwyn, actually.’ I swallow and decide to go for it. ‘You were sitting on a bench together. From what I saw, you’ve definitely lost your aversion to French kissing. When were you going to tell me about the two of you?’
Katie’s face falls. ‘I’m so sorry. I’ve been wanting to tell you, but it never seemed like the right time. You were flat out dealing with the café when Bronwyn and I first got together, then you were wrapped up in Matt, and you’ve been so unhappy since he went that it didn’t seem fair for me to flaunt my happiness in front of you. You’re not angry, are you?’
‘Of course not! I was surprised, definitely. I know you’ve never shown much interest in boys, but it never occurred to me that it was because girls were your thing. I’m happy for you, though, really.’
‘To be honest, I didn’t know that girls were my thing either,’ Katie replies. ‘I’m not the classic gay cliché where I’ve known since I was small and have been waiting for the right moment to come out of the closet. I’m pretty certain I’ve never been attracted to a woman before. I just fell in love with Bronwyn, and the fact that she’s a woman is just body parts. Does that make sense?’
‘Honestly? No. But I’m pretty far up the heterosexual end of the sexuality spectrum, and maybe you’re closer to the middle.’
She considers for a moment. ‘You’re probably right, although I can’t see myself fancying a boy now. There’s something special about being with someone who truly understands how a woman’s body works, and how to make it come alive.’
‘Okay. Too much information already!’ I cry. ‘I don’t want to hear about your sex life. Let me just be happy that you’ve found someone you enjoy kissing. You weren’t exactly effusive about the poor boy at school or the guy in Mallorca, were you? I was beginning to think you might turn out to be a nun.’
‘God, no!’ Katie laughs. ‘I totally get it now. I was just looking in the wrong place before.’
‘I really am pleased for you,’ I tell her. ‘And I’m sorry I’ve been so unavailable.’
‘It’s not your fault, and I wouldn’t say you’ve been unavailable. I’m so proud of what you’ve achieved here, although I worry that it’s killing you at the moment. Nan and Grandad are proud too, even if they don’t say so to your face. But I know how much hard work you’ve had to put in, and that you’ve had to give it your undivided attention. I haven’t minded, I promise. I’ve really enjoyed coming over here and being with you, seeing the café come back to life and all of that.’
‘And you’ve also enjoyed spending time with Bronwyn.’ I smile at her.
She blushes slightly. ‘Yes, that too.’
