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But he’s gone.
ChapterForty-Six
Anastasia
Igaze at Desmier sitting on the beach in the distance, smoking.
He doesn’t smoke often, and not like this.
This broken version of him where he looks like the lost boy again.
The last few days have been terrible for the both of us. First for me. Then for him.
He returned from the hospital a few hours ago and told me what happened with his father.
I didn’t know what broke him more—finding out the truth and not being able to do anything about it, or watching his father die and knowing it’s the end.
Both were too much. Like everything else.
To say I’m still a mess is putting it lightly, but I know I need to be there for him now. The way he has been for me.
The last few days have been like none other. I previously thought the day my mother killed herself was the worst day of my life. Seeing the bones of the family I forgot in that grave was beyond that. I don’t think I’d ever be able to explain to anyone how I felt then. And how I feel now.
The memory I relived is still slicing through my mind with razor-sharp edges, and still burning through my soul.
One of the worst things I’ve had to deal with is not remembering anything or anyone else beyond that point.
The only good thing is that my nightmares have become fragments that I hope will fade eventually.
I haven’t spoken to Lorelai properly yet, but she knows I’ve had a tough time. I wanted to see Mira first before anyone else. Just to see her and comfort her. I don’t expect her to help me after losing Evgeni today. I called her assistant earlier to find out if I could still visit tomorrow, and they said she still wanted to see me.
I cross the distance to Desmier. He turns when I get closer. The waning afternoon sun beams down on him, picking out the lighter parts of his eyes and his hair.
He blows out one last ring of smoke, puts out his cigarette, and stretches his hand for me to take. I do and sit in his lap when he places me there.
“I’m sorry I’ve been out here for so long.” His voice is low and weak. “I didn’t want to be around you like this.” He gives me a brief kiss and I touch his face.
“Desmier, you’re allowed to grieve, and you’re allowed to be sad.”
“I like being stronger around you. You need me to be strong now.”
“You need me, too. So, this is me being strong for you. Talk to me.” I can see he has every emotion under the sun bottled inside him, waiting to explode.
All because of my father. Damn, I keep calling him that. I keep forgetting who I am again.
He presses his lips together and releases a haggard sigh. “Baby, I don’t know what to say. My life has been a lie. Pretty much like yours. Different but similar. Leif is beside himself, and I feel like I’ve shut down. Nothing was ever what I thought it was. My father loved me, Anastasia. You should have seen the way he looked at me.”
That sounds more like the Evgeni I knew. “I’m so sorry, Desmier. I’m sorry things turned out like this.”
“I know. At least I got to see him. Apart from Leif, no one else made it to the hospital on time.”
That would have been hard on everyone. “I wish there were something I could do.”
“This is helping. Us like this. Me being with you.”
“Do you want to go somewhere? Just somewhere that’s not here, or someplace we’ve never been before.”
He gives me a little smile. “We could.”
