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Alayna
For the past three hours I've been sitting in this room just staring at the walls. It seems instead of breaking down, I'm shutting down this time. I don't want to think about what just happened, I keep slamming it into thenot nowbox to deal with later. My quota for trauma is full at the moment, so this shit is going on the back burner until some space has freed up.
The guys keep checking on me, all three of them watching me like they expect me to break down at any given moment. Considering my track record lately, I don't really blame them, but that doesn't mean it's not starting to piss me the fuck off. They want to protect me, I get it, still, this hovering that they're doing is getting on my very last nerve. If I was going to have a mental breakdown, they would have seen it happen by now. The flashbacks caused a small one, but my anger at the situation is fueling me at the moment and that means there will be no tears.
Checking the clock on my phone for the millionth time, I decide to head out to Juliette's a little early. If I have to hear their footsteps walk past my door one more time, someone is getting my fist to their face. The rage inside of me is looking for an outlet and if the guys keep up their shit, it's going to be them.
Clenching my fists together until my nails dig into the palms of my hands, I try breathing through the rage. It feels like an entity on its own, one separate from me completely. My emotions are all over the place, from the numb void feelings of despair to the agitation and rage that's making my whole body shake. This isn't how I want to feel, I want to cry, deal with it, and move on like a mentally healthy person. Too bad my mental health took a dive a long time ago.
One of the things that separates complex PTSD with regular PTSD is that our reactions are often uncontrollable. We don't always go into full on flashbacks, sometimes they happen in the closed off parts of our minds and instead trigger the reactions of our past. The situation is definitely still triggering me, the intense anger and complete denial of the situation are ways I use to cope with the abuse. It's not easy to feel so out of control of your own body, to feel both consumed by the situation and also denying it even exists. This was one of the ways I survived back then though and it's how my mind is choosing to survive now.
"Fuck it," I mutter to myself, grabbing my jacket and bag off the end of the bed and heading for the door. I'll text Juliette in the car to let her know I'll be a touch earlier than originally planned. I can't just sit around anymore, I need to get away from this house and the triggering memories of earlier.
Walking towards the front door, I glance into the living room where Riggs and Rhys are sitting, surrounded by what looks like mountains of paper. Looking around, I notice Adam is absent which is probably a good thing with how volatile my mood is. That man pushes my buttons on a good day, there's no reason to tempt fate with him right now.
"Hey," I murmur, trying for nonchalance and an air of calmness. "I'll be back later. Don't wait up for me."
This feels awkward, we're not officially in a relationship nor are they my caretakers, but it felt wrong just walking out too. After what I did to them the other day, just disappearing into the night without a word doesn't seem like a good idea. I'm merely being a nice person, not asking for permission.
"Alayna, where are you going?" Riggs asks, his eyes narrowed with suspicion.
"Over to Juliette's for a girl's night," I clarify, checking the time again on my phone. "I told you I was going out earlier."
"That was before a deranged stalker sent you human fucking remains!" Riggs explodes, chastising me like I'm a child. "You can't just go out like your fucking life isn't on the line. This isn't the time for a fucking girl's night with some chick you barely know."
"Stop," I snap, holding up my hand to shut him the fuck up. "Don't you dare fucking try to tell me what to do like I'm a teenager under your roof. I am twenty seven years old, I'm a goddamn adult just like you are. That meansIget to make the decision about when I can or cannot go out,not you.I understand some shit went down today and that has you scared, but that's exactly why I need to go out. I refuse to let my fear keep controlling my life. I refuse to sit around here like a pretty princess in a tower waiting for you three fuckers to figure out how to save me. I am going to live my fucking life and no one, not you or a stalker, are going to stop me."
With that I turn on my heel, stomping towards the front door. Rhys shouts after me, running to catch up with me before I can even get off the porch. My face has one of thoseif looks could killglares on it as I turn around to face him. The judgement and anger I expect to see isn't there, only concern and sympathy.
"I'm not here to tell you how to live your life or stop you from making your own decisions," Rhys starts, holding up his hands to show no ill will. "I just wanted to make one request, just in case something happens. Text me her address and on your way home. It'll give us some peace of mind."
A smile curls my lips, the sweet request easing some of the lingering anger and resentment. Nodding, I walk back up to him, kissing him softly on the lips to show how much I appreciate what he just did.
"Of course," I answer, pressing myself up against him. "I'll text you once I get there with her address so you know I made it and before I come home. GPS says it's only a ten minute drive from here."
"Thank you, Lay," he murmurs against my forehead before pressing a final goodbye kiss there. "I'll deal with the grumpy ass inside whowillhave an apology for you when you get home tonight."
"You're the best," I yell over my shoulder, heading to my car that the guys thankfully brought back up last night.
"Make sure you tell the other two that!" Rhys grins like a kid with candy, winking at me as I shake my head on a laugh.
The fact that Rhys soothed my anger, understood where my feelings were coming from, and made me laugh after everything that happened this afternoon, makes me want to grab him and show him just how much I appreciate him. Riggs has a need to protect everyone, something I find sweet and amazing most of the time. Adam is his own brand of asshole that makes me laugh and has a soft side he only shows to those he trusts. Rhys is the glue though, the one that takes care of everyone and holds us all together. As a unit, they're the perfect complement to each other and they all fit into my jagged pieces like no one ever has.
The drive to Juliette's is over before I know it and soon I'm climbing the steps to a modest, clean apartment building. She's only three floors up and thankfully the stairwell and hallways are all well lit and clean. Searching the doors for apartment three hundred and seventeen, I finally spot it tucked into the back corner of the hall I'm in.
Knocking, I take a step back so I can be seen well through the peephole. As someone who uses it religiously, I make a conscious effort to make sure I'm in a good spot to be seen. It doesn't take her long to answer the door, a beautiful little baby girl in her arms. Juliette's long blonde hair is pulled into a messy bun on her head and she looks a touch frantic.
"Hi! Come in, come in." She gestures for me to come in with her spare hand, her little girl firmly holding onto her and side-eyeing me. “Don’t mind Daniella, she’s all cautious stares, no bite.”
To confirm her mom’s words, she hides in Juliette’s shoulder, only glancing at me to try to figure me out. Daniella is the cutest baby, all chubby cheeks and peach fuzz blonde hair. Stepping into the apartment, I move out of the way of the door, standing awkwardly off to the side. This is literally something I’ve never really done before, go over to someone’s house to hang out. The closest thing would be a booty call and there was a get in and out expectation with that.
“There’s hooks right beside your head there for your jacket and bag,” Juliette speaks up as she runs into the open kitchen just beside the entrance. “I’m so sorry. I’m just heating up some milk for Danni and then I can get her down for bedtime.”
“That’s okay,” I assure her, hanging up my jacket and moving further into her place. “Why don’t you put me to work. What can I do to help?”
“Oh, nothing. You’re a guest. Besides, I’m almost done.” She smiles at me, shaking a bottle in one hand while bouncing Danni on her hip. “Go have a seat and get comfy. Danni and I will join you while she drinks her bottle.”
Not wanting to put up a fight in someone else’s house, I walk into the living room, taking in the well-loved, mismatched furniture and beige walls. It looks and feels like a home, one with love and comfort. Juliette may not be made of money or have a large house like Rhys and the guys, but you can tell she has made the best with what she does have. She’s made this a loving home for Danni and that’s really all any child needs.
