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Sliding down the door, I sit with my head in my hands, trying and failing to breathe deeply and calm down. It feels like someone has a vice grip on my chest, making it impossible to get enough air into my lungs. Tears pour down my cheeks, soaking my face and invading my mouth. When did I start crying? Why can’t I stop shaking?What the fuck is wrong with me?!
“Lay?” Rhys knocks on my door, calling my name in concern. It just makes the tears come harder, a sob tearing through my throat and breaking the dam of my emotions open. “Lay! Let me in, babe. I can help you.”
“GO AWAY!” I scream, pulling at my hair and rocking back and forth. “Please, just go away.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” Rhys says calmly, shuffling behind the door. “If you don’t want to let me in, that’s okay. I’ll sit out here and talk to you until the panic attack subsides.”
Banging my head against the door, I just wish and pray he goes away and leaves me to wallow in my fucked up mind. His voice vibrates through the door, the soothing sound fighting with the panic in my body. This is all my fault, I let myself get too comfortable and start dreaming of happily ever afters. There’s too much wrong with me, I can’t ever keep happiness. My life isn’t meant to be happy; it’s a fucking tragedy not a love story.
“You are beautiful and kind,” Rhys speaks through the audible sobs, breaking through the panic and self-deprecation. “The way you see yourself is in no way a reflection of who you actually are. You are worthy. You’re worthy of every good thing life has to offer. The people who told you that you weren’t were jealous, petty, vindictive people that just want the world to suffer with them. Don’t give in to the bad thoughts, Lay.”
“Keep talking,” I whisper, grasping onto every word out of his mouth and using them to chase away my demons.
“You have come so far, finally finding the person you are past all of the bad shit that happened to you. It’s okay to have setbacks. It’s okay to not always be okay. Just don’t let the setbacks be worth more than achievements,” Rhys encourages, his voice clear and very close to the door. “You’re a fighter, Alayna. It’s time to put that to use to fight for everything you have gained. You have fucking got this, baby.”
Shuffling across the floor, I move enough to open the door and look out at Rhys’ kind, worried face. “Is this not too fast? We’ve only known each other for a little while, and here I am, confessing feelings and relying on you guys to get me out of shit I’ve gotten myself out of my whole life. I’m fucking terrified right now that I’ve gone and thrown all of the rules I’ve put in place to keep myself from getting in a situation like this out the window. I’m already broken, but having this go south on me would ruin me at this point. I’m in too deep, and I’m scared I’m already drowning without knowing it.”
“Come out and we can talk about this over some food and with the other two,” Rhys coaxes, holding a hand out for me like I'm a scared child. I guess in a way that’s exactly what I am right now. “Your feelings are valid, Lay, and it’s okay to be scared. I’m scared too. This is new, and it’s in the midst of some really shitty and hard circumstances. We’ll figure it out together, though. You’re not alone, and you never will be again, I promise.”
“You can’t promise that,” I murmur, reaching out for his hand despite the hesitancy in my words.
“Tough shit, I just did.” Rhys smiles at me, pulling me up to my feet and holding my hand with his. “Let’s go eat. I made blueberry pancakes.”
Walking a step behind him, Rhys guides me to the kitchen quietly, letting me work through my panic with some breathing. The feel of his hand in mine helps ground me, reminding me that at least part of his statement was true, I’m not alone right now. Riggs looks up at me as I walk in behind Rhys, my face red and blotchy from crying. He looks sad and guilty, dropping his gaze from my own to look back at the food on the table. Adam pats the seat beside him, giving me a soft look.
“How many flapjacks do you want, buttlicker?” Adam asks, trying to lessen the awkward tension in the room. “Twelve?”
“Were you a corny dad in your past life?” I attempt to tease, grabbing the silly branch Adam is holding out for someone to take. “Cause your humour is the equivalent of a forty year old dad trying to embarrass their teenage child.”
“I sure as fuck hope so! I was made to be a dad,” Adam boasts, shoving almost half a pancake in his mouth. After I watch him impressively swallow all of that, he continues talking. “Kids are the shit! If I ever get the chance, I’m going to have a bus load of them.”
Adam’s offhand comment brings the panic back, this time because I feel like he’s telling me he doesn’t want me. I told Rhys he couldn’t promise I wouldn’t be alone. This whole relationship is new, and already one of the guys is waiting to find someone else. It pushes home what I’ve always been told, I’m not good enough for anyone.
“Adam, shut the fuck up!” Rhys snaps, rubbing a hand down his face. Riggs and Adam both look over at me, confusion on the former's face and realization on the latter’s.
“That came out wrong,” Adam groans, reaching for my hand. Snatching it away, I hold my hands in my lap, twisting and turning together harshly until the skin turns red. “I didn’t mean I was looking for someone else to have a bunch of kids with! I just meant—”
“Seriously, Adam. For the love of god, stop!” Rhys comes over to squat down beside my chair, placing a hand softly over my own to stop the painful fidgeting. “Lay, are you okay?”
“I feel so stupid,” I cry, laying my head back to look up at the ceiling. “One minute I’m freaking out because I feel like I’m moving too fast with you guys and I can’t handle it, then the next I’m crying because it feels like you already want to get rid of me. It’s like I can’t get my head on straight to figure out how I actually feel. Is it too much? Do I want more? The answer to both is yes, and it’s fucking confusing the hell out of me.”
“The answer to both is yes because of the exact same reason,” Rhys reasons, moving back to sit in his seat. “This is new for you. Hell, for all of us! You’ve never let anyone in before to have the chance of feeling the way you do for us, aside from Dec. Of course, it’s going to be overwhelming and scary. Ignore the idiocy that came out of Adam, his foot has permanent residency in his mouth.”
Riggs sits forward, his silent, observing demeanour making me a bit uneasy. The black t-shirt he’s wearing looks pulled out around the corner, like the material has been consistently pulled at recently. He looks at me, a shy, unsure frown on his face.
“I’m absolutely entranced by you,” he speaks low, his deep rumble accentuating every word. “I go to bed thinking about you and wake up ready to see your face. You feel like a drug that I am happy to be addicted to. Yet, even feeling the way I do, I’m fucking frightened of how quickly I got here. It’s like one minute I was living my life, not ready to settle down or really looking for anything casual either. Then you knocked on our door, and all of a sudden I was living and breathing for another person. It was so easy to fall for you, almost too easy. Anything can take you away from us, and I can’t promise that nothing will happen to us either.”
“What these two are trying to say in far too many words—” Adam cuts in, rolling his eyes dramatically and making me laugh softly. “Is that we’re all fucking terrified of love and pretty broken ourselves. That doesn’t mean we can’t also enjoy being in love. Nothing is black and white. You can be happy and scared at the same time. It’s crazy and different, but you don’t have to worry about moving too fast with us. We’re fucking in this with you.”
“I’m happy I met you guys.” I bite my lip, trying to find what to say after they said all the right things. Holy fuck, these guys know how to make a woman swoon. I’m not even a swooning kind of woman, and here I am ready to fall on a daybed with a hand on my forehead. “Thanks for, you know, being here for me. Now I feel like I need to go punch some stuff to get my badass card renewed. You guys are making me a sappy, lovesick mess.”
“You love it,” Adam jokes, blowing an air kiss in my direction. Rhys laughs, throwing a rolled up napkin at Adam’s head making him glare back at him. Riggs grabs my hand, kissing it before placing it back down and adding a couple pancakes to my plate.
The mood of breakfast lightens considerably, the guys joking and teasing each other back and forth. It makes the panic in my chest settle into butterflies in my stomach. It may seem like we’re moving too fast sometimes, but if I’m being completely honest with myself, anything would probably feel too fast for me. I’ve always thought that my future only held two options, Declan or being alone. It should have occurred to me that life always throws a curve ball instead, this time for the better.
Chapter Ten
Alayna
