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"Okay," he mumbles, leaning in to kiss my forehead softly. "Rhys is still here if you need anything. I'm sure he'll be in to check on you in a bit anyways."
After Adam leaves, I roll on to my back, staring at the ceiling in contemplation. Deciding to take the first step to taking back my life is one thing, figuring out which step is the first one is another. A shower is probably a good place to start, fuck knows how the guys have been anywhere near me the past week without showering. Hell, I haven't even brushed my teeth this week, the depression, anxiety, and c-PTSD made damn sure I never left this bed except to use the bathroom which I waited until the last possible minute to do.
It's time. It's time to get out of this bed, brush my teeth, have a shower, and become human again. It's time for me to stop shutting off my emotions and actually deal with them. The numbness can't last forever, and I need to be a big girl again and deal with my shit. Seeing Adam happy for the first time in a week really drove home how much I'm hurting myself and the guys. They don't deserve to be so sad all the time because I can't get my shit together. That ends now.
Inhaling deeply through my nose, I push myself to sit up and attempt to run my fingers through my hair. Bad choice, the week long unwashed and unbrushed hair needs about a bottle of shampoo and conditioner to make it manageable again. The problem, it now sounds like a lot of work, and I'm wondering if I even have the energy to do it. A piece of toast and some water is what I'm running on today which is hardly enough to live on let alone have energy from.
The time ticks by as I fight with myself about whether or not I can even get out of bed. A knock sounds at the door just as I hear Rhys' voice yell out that he's coming in. Since I've been out of it and not answering when they knock, they've taken to doing it this way so I know who's coming in. Rhys pokes his head in, his eyes widening in surprise to see me sitting up.
"Are you okay? Do you need something?" he asks, rushing inside to sit on the edge of the bed beside me.
"A shower," I say with a small laugh, the sound foreign and weird to me. Fuck, that makes me cringe that the sound of my laugh is odd to me. "Or a bath. Whatever I can actually make myself manage."
A huge smile spreads across Rhys' face, the sight making me smile slightly back at him before I remember I haven't brushed my teeth in a week. Fucking cringe again.
"And brush my teeth," I mutter behind pressed together lips. "I'm so gross."
"You're not gross," Rhys assures me, though I know he's lying. I'm straight up disgusting right now. "Let me help you get in the bathroom, and I'll run a bath for you. I know after a bad episode like you've had, that simple tasks can be a lot harder than normal."
"Thank you." My heart constricts, the thoughtfulness almost too much for me to handle right now. “Not looking forward to getting these knots out of my hair.” I try to joke, but the rasp in my voice makes me come off shaky and tired instead.
“If you need help, all you need to do is ask. I’d be happy to help you with your hair.” Rhys tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear then cups my cheek with his hand. Nuzzling into the warmth of his hand, I breathe deeply through the influx of emotions flooding me.
There’s very few moments in my life where I have felt truly loved and safe, aside from the short time I had with my parents, and these guys are quickly doubling, even tripling, the amount. The circumstances that brought us together were far from ideal, the death of Declan a black cloud that still hangs over us all, but it brought us together all the same. The happy ending that I was racing towards blew up in a cloud of smoke, leaving me with a happy ending I didn’t even know I wanted.
“Where did you go, pretty girl?” Rhys asks, his blue eyes searching mine for the answers in their depths. Laying my head weakly against his chest, he picks me up, carrying me to the bathroom and placing me on the counter while he gets a towel ready.
“I was just thinking about how good all of you are to me and what brought us together,” I respond honestly, letting him into my thoughts as I watch him walk around the bathroom. “When I came to you all, I thought I would be getting that happy ending with Declan that we always talked about. I was terrified he had moved on and left me behind, found someone to be there for him all those years that I wasn’t. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he had. Instead, it was so much worse.”
Taking a minute, I let the silent tears fall down my face for the naive girl from not that long ago. Rhys pulls me into his arms, resting me against his chest gently as his fingers softly run up and down my arms. His silent support surrounds me, encouraging me to talk to him about everything.
“Declan left all of us in the worst way possible. I thought that was it, that was my future disappearing before me. Yet it wasn’t,” I whisper, snuggling deeper into Rhys for this next part. “Instead of falling into an abyss of nothingness, I fell into all of you. You caught me and pulled me into your family. Without a single thought, I had the three of you so willing to embrace me and all of my crazy. It still doesn’t feel real sometimes, that in the face of tragedy, I found —”
Stopping before the L word pops out, I let loose a breathy laugh instead. Rhys kisses my forehead before tipping my chin up, my eyes immediately finding his watery bright blue eyes.
“You found love,” he whispers back, his voice shaking slightly. “We were pretty fucking lost before you, each of us in our own brand of misery. You walked in, both breaking and reviving our hearts all in one go. You were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and I knew instantly that everything Dec had ever said about you was true. He used to talk about you for hours, and we all thought he was crazy. There was no way anybody could be that fucking perfect, he had to be elaborating. He fucking wasn’t. You are so utterly perfect, it’s almost not fair.”
The tears come harder this time, the thought of Declan sitting around with the guys talking about me years after we were together breaks me just a little bit. What I wouldn’t do to have all four of them with me. To see Dec with Rhys, Riggs, and Adam, joking around and being a family together. It’s what he always wanted, yet he fucking threw it all away. We almost had it, all of us. It was there, on the tips of our fingers.
We almost had it, Declan… We almost had the family we wanted. Why did you leave us?
The feeling of being lifted breaks through my internal screaming match with Declan. The thoughts and arguments I can never have with him because he left us. Every time I think I’m getting over it, something comes up that reminds me he acted selfishly. He killed himself for some twisted fucking honour that he tried to lay at my feet.
The water turns on as Rhys balances me on his lap, the tub filling up with steamy water. Rhys adds vanilla bath salts to the water from the side of the tub before standing up and placing me on the counter. Lifting my head, I take in the bathroom more than I have all week. It’s smaller, the dark hardwood giving it a cozy sauna look to it. The bathtub and shower are one, the tub nice and deep despite that.
“Do you need help getting changed or would you like me to let you be?” Rhys asks, his hands resting on the counter on either side of my legs.
“Don’t leave me,” I beg, laying my hands on top of his to keep him from leaving. “Would you be okay staying and helping me? I don’t really feel like being alone right now.”
“Of course,” he answers quickly, flipping over his hands so they grasp my own and squeezes them. “I’ll finish getting the bath ready while you undress.”
Turning his back to me, he fiddles with the tap, adding some extra hot water for me. It takes me a minute to remember what I’m supposed to be doing, his movements mesmerizing. The way his black t-shirt stretches over his back muscles is enough to make anyone stop and stare.
Rhys turns to look at me, one eyebrow raised in question. “Do I need to step out so you can get undressed?”
“No, it’s okay. You’re going to see me naked in the bath anyways.” I shrug with a small smile. “No funny business, though.” I fake scold him, knowing he wouldn’t touch me without my express consent, and even though he is nice to look at, my libido is nowhere to be found right now.
“You can trust me,” he declares, his face open and sincere.
