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I touched his face, cupping it, raising it so he'd meet my eyes without having to do that eye roll that unnerved me. Just too subservient for my taste. I stared into that beautiful face, let my gaze glide over the fall of curls, the line of his back, the curl of his hip, but I felt nothing. I could appreciate his beauty, but I tried very hard to think of my leopards as neuter. You can be someone's friend and have sex with them. The trick is you have to want their emotional and physical well-being more than you want to f**k them. If you cross that line and want sex more than their happiness, then you aren't their friend. Their lover maybe, but not their friend.
But it was more than that. Cherry was right, Gregory had never moved me in that way. I sighed and moved my hand back from him. "What's wrong?" Stephen asked.
"He's pretty to look at, but ..."
Stephen almost smiled. "But you need more than just a pretty face to lust after."
I shrugged. "Sometimes my life would be simpler if I didn't, but yeah."
"I remember I had to talk you through the first time you healed Nathaniel," he said, voice soft.
I nodded. "I remember too."
Gregory sat up, watching us both, trying to read our lips, I think. There was something frantic about the way he tried to decipher what we were saying. God, please let me help him. He was so scared.
"I think of him more like a child, no offense."
"You think more like a parent than a seducer; that's a good thing," Stephen said. "Don't apologize for it."
Cherry joined us, kneeling on her heels, long body curved in graceful lines. "You called Raina in the lupanar without any lust, right?"
I nodded. "I can call Raina's munin, sometimes even if I don't want to, but she always demands a price before she leaves."
"You didn't seduce anyone at the lupanar tonight," she said.
"No, but I damn near started a fight by hitting Richard, and that was part Raina's doing. She enjoyed my loss of control, and ... and she was worried about the pack tonight. She doesn't like what Richard's done. I think she toned down her demands because of that."
"And she doesn't care about us like she does the wolves."
"No, she doesn't."
"What are you afraid of?" Stephen asked. "That you'll molest Gregory."
I shook my head. "No, I'm afraid Raina will."
"You healed Nathaniel in the woods and didn't do anything awful to him," Cherry said.
"No, but I had Richard and the pack there to balance me, to help me control her through the marks. Without extra help in that area, Raina's idea of payment can get a little messy."
"Define messy," Stephen said.
"Sex, violence--" I shrugged--"messy."
"You have the pard here now," Cherry said. "You can use us for balance."
Truth was, without Micah here I wasn't sure I could do that. Just as Richard was my door to the wolves, Micah was my door to the leopards. Or was he? I was treating this like I treated Richard and Jean-Claude, like I was the outsider and they were my ticket in. But what if I really was the leopard queen? If I really was Nimir-Ra, then I should be able to do this without Micah. I realized the moment I doubted that, I was still hoping I wasn't going to be furry next full moon. No matter how much evidence to the contrary, I still didn't believe it. Maybe I didn't want to believe it. But I wanted to heal Gregory, that I did want.
I looked at them all and knew Cherry was right. If I was Nimir-Ra, then I had all I needed to balance me. If I wasn't Nimir-Ra, then it wouldn't work. What did we have to lose? I looked at Stephen and Gregory, their mirror faces, their frightened eyes, and knew exactly what we had to lose if I didn't try.
I took the Uncle Mike's sidekick holster complete with Firestar out of the front of my jeans and looked around. If I was going to be calling on the leopards, I didn't want them having to worry about the gun. I motioned Claudia the wererat over. Since I was still kneeling, she towered over me, only two inches shorter than Dolph. I had to admit it was impressive, even more so because she was a woman.
I handed the holstered gun to her, and she took it. "Make sure no one gets shot with it."
She frowned down at me. "You think someone is going to try and get the gun?"
"Me, maybe."
The frown deepened. "I don't understand."
"Raina's amused by violence. I don't want to be carrying a gun when I call her munin."
Claudia's eyebrows raised. "You mean she'd try to get you to use it on some one?"
I nodded.
"She's tried before?"
I nodded again. "In Tennessee when I was practicing with the munin, yeah."
Claudia shook her head. "You didn't seem that worried at the lupanar."
"I can call her once and be okay, probably. But if I call her too often, too close together, it's like she grows--" I hesitated--"stronger, or maybe I just get tired of fighting."
"She was a bitch when she was alive," Claudia said.
"Being dead hasn't changed her much," I added.
The tall woman shivered. "I'm glad the wererats don't have anything like the munin. The thought of some entity inside me just creeps me out."
"Me too," I said.
She looked down at me, thoughtful now. "I'll keep the gun safe. Is there anything else Igor and I can do to help?"
I tried to think of something, but only one thing came to mind. "If the leopards can't control me, make sure I don't hurt anyone."
"How bad is this going to be?" she asked.
I shrugged. "Normally, I wouldn't be this worried, but last time I called her she didn't get her bit of flesh, or sex. Hitting Richard made her happy, but ..." I tried to explain. "I called her three times in a row for practice, without molesting or hurting anyone. My teacher, Marianne, and I both thought it was a sign that I was gaining control of Raina. Then the fourth time I called her, it was worse than it had ever been. You either pay as you go with Raina, or you end up owing her, and owing comes with interest, and the interest is hell to pay."
"Should you give me the knives, too, then?" Claudia asked.
She had a point, no pun intended. I took the wrist sheaths off, folded them up, and handed them to her.
"I thought you could control this shit." Caleb was standing just a little behind and to one side of Claudia. He was looking up at the tall woman as if wondering what she'd do if he tried to climb her. I almost wanted him to try, because I was pretty sure what would happen, and even more sure that I'd enjoy watching it. Caleb needed a good lesson from someone.
"I can."
"Then why all the precautions?"
I could have told him about the time in Tennessee when Raina's munin nearly started a riot among Verne's pack in a sort of game of rape tag, with me as the rapee, but I didn't. Instead, I said, "If you're not going to be helpful, stand over to the side and shut the f**k up."
He opened his mouth as if to protest, but Merle said, "Caleb, do what she says." His voice was quiet, a deep rumble of sound, but that mild tone seemed to work on Caleb like a charm.
"Sure, Merle, anything you say." He went to stand over to one side, near Dr. Lillian and Igor.
I glanced at Merle. "Thanks," I said.
He just bowed his head at me.
Dr. Lillian said, "I take this to mean that you want me to wait on the injection."
I nodded. "Yeah."
She turned and walked back through the sliding glass doors, into the darkened house. Everyone else stayed where they were, looking at me. Even Caleb, sulking by the railing with his arms crossed, was still watching the show.
I slipped my shirt off and felt rather than saw all my people react, like wind through a wheat field, involuntary. I never undressed in front of people unless I absolutely had to. The black bra I was wearing covered more than most swim suits, but there's something about letting people see you in your underwear that just makes all us good little girls squirm.
"Black lace, I like it," Caleb said.
I started to say something, but Merle beat me to it. "Shut up, Caleb, and don't make me tell you again."
Caleb settled back against the rail, arms hugging himself, face crinkled into a sulk that made him look even younger than he was.
"Go on," Merle said, "he won't interrupt again."
I looked at him. It was bad that he kept interfering. It undermined my authority, but since I wasn't entirely sure I had any authority over Caleb, it was okay, I guess. But it bugged me. I just wasn't sure what to do about it.
