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He rubbed the back of his neck. “Oh.”
That made sense. Shit. He’d been nervous about having everything ready. Add in the increasingly dizzy feeling he got whenever Clara came within ten feet of him, and he’d clearly jumped to conclusions.
Naomi tapped her foot. “Besides, even if I had made a mistake, what you two were doing was not blocking.”
“Jesus. You’re right. Okay? Look, if it makes you feel any better I got kicked in the balls for my efforts.” He still had a vague stomachache. “You think I don’t know that Clara Wheaton is an impossible pull? She’s a rich, cultured genius and I’m a degenerate college dropout with more dick than brains.”
Everyone thought it was the jealousy thing you had to worry about when trying to date in his line of work, but that was only the tip of the iceberg. Jealousy assumed that nonindustry people accepted the moral and social implications of his profession. That they wouldn’t mind introducing someone who made porn to coworkers and parents. That the object of your affection could imagine standing up next to you in front of friends and family and declaring love and allegiance to someone who large swaths of the rest of the world considered unclean. Clara had been clear that her family would never accept him.
Naomi’s eyebrows shot together. “When was the last time you had sex?”
He looked at the ceiling, trying to remember. A vision of Clara, her eyes closed and her mouth open as she arched her back in pleasure, entered his head. Clara didn’t count. Now that he came to think about it, maybe there hadn’t been anyone for a while.
“Too. Long,” Naomi snapped. “If you have to think about it, it’s been too long.”
“I’ve been busy.” Starting a business was significantly more labor intensive than he’d assumed when he signed up.
“Yeah,” Naomi scoffed. “Busy falling for someone completely inappropriate. Did you ever stop to think about all the people who could get caught in the crossfire if you break Clara’s heart? What’s gonna happen to Shameless when the two of you can’t stand to be in the same room together?” She ran her hands through her hair. “If she pulls our funding, we’re done.”
“Who says I’d break her heart?” He didn’t want to hurt Clara. Yes, he wanted to fuck her. But he’d fucked lots of people and they all seemed to like it. For the first time in a long time, he had a lot more than sex on his brain. That impossible word sprang to mind again, but he tucked it away. Later, when he was alone, he could let it out of its box and examine it.
“Don’t insult me by pretending you don’t know what I’m talking about,” Naomi said.
It was Josh’s turn to throw his hands in the air. “What you’re talking about is none of your business.”
“None of my business? Josh, you’re the one who made this my business. And not just me. What about all the performers we convinced to follow us on this suicide mission against Pruitt? What happens to them when the paychecks dry up?”
“All right.” He held up his hands. “You’ve made your point. I’ll back off Clara.”
“Swear to me.” Naomi held out her hand expectantly.
Josh stared at her bloodred fingertips and tried not to let his fear read on his face. “Don’t be dramatic.”
“Do I look like I’m acting right now? Swear to me that you won’t have sex with Clara or enter into any other kind of screwy romantic entanglement, or I’m walking off this project tonight.” She shoved her hand at him until he clasped it briefly with his own.
“Don’t you think you’re being a little hypocritical right now? You and I did it.” He wanted Stu to tell him it was okay. That of course he and Clara could find a way to make it work. He wasn’t entirely sure he’d survive the alternative.
“I can’t believe we’re still having this conversation. You and I never exchanged money. But more importantly, you know as well as I do the only reason our relationship worked was because, for the most part, we left each other alone.”
She had him there.
“I never pushed you and you never tried to rein me in. We always owned up to the fact that we were two people who liked to fuck each other, desperately trying to keep the cameras rolling.” She gave him her signature smile. The one where she barely moved her mouth, but her eyes sparkled. “I liked you ’cause I never had to worry about you falling in love with me, Josh.”
He hated when she was right. “For the record, you are lovable. If you’d give anyone half a chance.”
Naomi shrugged. “In that case, I guess we’ll never know.”
Josh swallowed hard. He had to ask. “What if Clara’s different?” He knew it wasn’t right. That he’d let his infatuation with his roommate go too far. But his feelings for her were too messy, too powerful, to reel back now. In the grand scheme of things, was loving Clara Wheaton really so bad?
Naomi shook her head. “Nobody’s different. They all want the fantasy, but nobody wants the reality.”
“I’m serious, Stu. You should have seen her when I wanted to quit. This whole thing, this insane idea, she did this because she believes in me.” He scrubbed his hand across his face. He couldn’t reconcile Naomi’s words with Clara’s actions. “It sounds ridiculous, I know, but for the first time in my life someone wants me to live up to my potential. Whatever the fuck that means.”
“I know.” Her mouth sat in a thin, straight line.
“She thinks she’s soft, but sometimes she gets this look in her eyes. I don’t even know how to describe it.”
Naomi sighed. “Like she could eat nails for breakfast.”
