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We’re just helpless, always depending on other people, and I hate that.
Although maybe I hated it because I was afraid I’d never get to experience it for myself. I looked at other people and I knew that families could work. I knew a lot of people who had the love and comfort of a nurturing family, because that was the way it was supposed to work, it just didn’t work that way for me. I was one of those unlucky ones born to two people that didn’t love themselves, so how could they love anything else?
I was lost in that slightly drunken haze where my mind kept tugging me back to the past, back to a place I didn’t want to go again. I just wished I could leave it all behind, wished I could forget where I had come from. Sometimes I wondered what it would have been like if I had woken up one day without any memory, where I was given a fresh start in life without any of the baggage I currently was burdened by. On a few occasions I have been desperate enough to hit my head hard in an effort to try and give myself concussion. Not the smartest thing to do, but who is smart when they’re drunk? It’s never worked anyway, I’m cursed to remember everything from my past, to always be this version of Millie, the version that remembers all the abuse and the shouting and the anger. God, sometimes I wish I could just be rid of it all, but I never can be. I’m cursed.
I sighed and drained another glass, but I decided to forgo another. I looked around at the bar and all the people within it, thinking about all their lives and how broken they were too. I saw some people I recognized, the regulars who, like me, had nowhere else to go. I didn’t see Dan again. I don’t know if he left already or if he’d gone to bother someone else. There were others who would have fallen for his charms, and maybe it would have done me some good to fall for them. Maybe I could have remembered what it was like to live a normal life, to feel the touch of another’s skin against mine, to experience the flush of arousal and the heat of passion and maybe, just maybe, I might have been able to feel human again.
The Rainbow bar was like a halfway house in purgatory for people who didn’t know what they wanted from life or where they were going. We were all stuck here, hoping that someone would come in to point us in the right direction, but anyone who could help us was concerned with other people. The truth was, I don’t even know what I wanted out of life. I didn’t see myself falling in love and having a happy family, certainly not in the traditional way that everyone prescribed. Being with just one person seemed like a recipe for disaster to me. How could anyone pin their hopes to one other person when there was so much that could go wrong? I never understood the preconception with monogamy. It seemed that the more people involved the better, at least then if anyone was abusive you had support to figure it all out, and if one person changed then they could leave and the entire relationship wouldn’t be ruined, but that didn’t seem to be a viable option, not in the eyes of the world anyway. A deep part of me wanted to have the life that I missed out on as a child, to be a part of a wide family and have people I could actually count on and be supported by, but it seemed a pipe dream. The life I lived didn’t have room for other people.
“How’s tricks?” Damian said. I smelled his aftershave a few minutes before he slid next to me. He cocked an eyebrow and winked, then stretched his arm over the bar behind me, suggestively reaching around my shoulder. “I almost didn’t see you tonight and I wondered what mischief you’d gotten yourself into.”
“You know me Damian, I don’t really get into mischief.”
“Oh no, you’re far too careful for that aren’t you? Well, that’s what you’d like to have us believe, but I can see the playful gleam in your eye. Who was the boy toy you were talking to earlier?”
“And here I was thinking you hadn’t caught a glimpse of me? Are you jealous Damian?”
“Well, a man has to…protect his interests.”
I sighed, hating how Damian thought he always had a claim to me. “First of all you don’t get to tell me who I can and cannot speak to, and this act is really getting old. I’m fine with all the playful teasing, but when you come up to me and you try and treat me like I’m owned my patience really starts to wear thin.”
Damian leaned back and held up his hands. “My apologies Madam, it seems as though I have crossed a line. You know I would never do anything like that to such a fine example of womanhood. I beseech your forgiveness and request that you accept the offer of a drink, and perhaps dinner and a dance later too?”
I smirked. Damian was always trying to get something from me. I often wondered why, since I seemed to be the only woman able to resist his charms, although perhaps that was entirely the reason.
“You know Damian, you could be spending your time with a far more willing woman than I? I know that some men like a challenge, but I thought that even you might be tired of these games between us.”
“Ah, but patience is a virtue and I am nothing but a virtuous man my dear, besides when there is a creature as lovely as you it behooves me to do all I can to try and tempt you. The challenge is never as great as the reward, and a reward such as you would be…memorable.”
I have to admit that I felt a flush in my cheeks as he spoke. He was so different to the other men here. There was a wry sense of humor to Damian, as though he knew that he was foolish, that this whole world was foolish, and he was making a mockery of it all. Perhaps, on another night, I might have said yes. I wasn’t entirely ready to say no just yet, so I flashed him a smile and told him that later on he should come and ask me for a dance again, and perhaps I might say yes.
Damian brushed his fingers across my hand and I felt a flush of arousal. It had been a long time since I’d let a man touch me intimately and the thought of it made panic and fear flare inside me, but beyond those feelings was a deep-seated sense that it was time for me to be close to someone again. My mind may not have wanted it, still scarred by unwanted fumbles, but my body yearned for the warmth and comfort of another person. Was I ready to sacrifice my isolation for this man? The thought made me shudder with fear, and yet I had spent so much of my life in thrall to fear, a fear that had been born from my formative years.
I had become adept at hiding the thoughts surging under the surface so I doubt Damian noticed any of these thoughts slipping through my mind. I gave him a wily smile and turned away from him, retreating to the restroom where I could at least have some solitude.
As I walked through the swinging doors, the noise from the bar faded into a soft whisper. The walls were plastered with posters advertising bands and singers and other forms of entertainment. Some of the posters had
been up there for what must have been years, faces staring out at me, and I wondered what could have happened to these people. Were they still locked in this cycle of trying to please other people or had they been able to release themselves and live on their own terms?
I walked over to the sink, which was stained brow. The faucet squeaked as water sputtered out. I splashed some on my face and watched the water trickle down my skin as I gazed into the mirror, which had been painted with lipstick. Various graffiti covered the walls and doors, advertising products and services. They were little signs of desperate lives, anonymous cries for help that would never be answered. I looked at them with pity and my anger for the world increased. It was almost impossible for anyone who got off to a bad start to recover, and we all ended up at the Rainbow Bar, lost in our own confusion, turning each others’ worlds upside down because we had nothing better to do.
I hated how we were left behind by the rest of the world, how nobody cared about us at all or our plights. We were just part of the forgotten kingdom, left to our own devices. I was interrupted from my thoughts as the door swung open and Melanie came in, the air swirling around her as it usually did, for she was a whirlwind. Her bright red hair glimmered and her bright lipstick puckered. She was clothed in a skimpy outfit that showed all the alluring, rounded parts of her, and she had an excited smile. Millie and Melanie; people often thought we were sisters, although only in looks. In personality we couldn’t have been more different.
“I’ve been looking for you!” Melanie said.
“Well, you’ve found me,” I said drily. Melanie wrapped her arm around me and squeezed me tightly. I could smell the alcohol on her breath and see the haze in her eyes. “What do you want?”
“Oh it’s not about what I want; it’s about what I can do for you. I know you don’t ordinarily like doing this but I’ve just met the most wonderful guy and-”
I raised a hand. “Stop right there Mel. You know what I’m going to say.”
“I know, which is why you need to put that aside and listen to me. This guy has some brothers and I think it could really be good for us, and they’re just the type you like. They’re genuine. Please, just come and have a drink with us and maybe we can get a bit of good luck. It’s certainly better than sitting at the bar all night scaring away people. Come on, they’re in a group. I’ve never seen them before. I think they’re just passing through so you won’t have to be bothered with them again.”
I sighed and looked into the mirror at the two of us. Melanie had the rare quality of being able to make me do things I didn’t want, to goad me into situations from which I couldn’t escape, and I already knew this was going to be one of them. Melanie wasn’t going to leave without a positive answer, and I wasn’t going to let her be alone with this group of men.
“Come on Millie, you can’t be like this forever. At some point you’re going to have to take a risk. You never know, something good might happen.”
I looked at her skeptically. As far as I was concerned nothing good was ever going to happen, but I walked back into the bar with her, ready to meet these men.
