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Now that I had had some time to think about it I realized that part of the reason why I was so resistant to the possibility was because of a lack of faith in my own abilities. Being part of a family was something that I did want…eventually, but every time I thought about it I was sure that I wouldn’t be able to handle it, or that I’d make a mistake, and this influenced my decision. But Jackson was right, if I didn’t take this opportunity now, when would I? If I waited too long I might wait un
til it was too late and then I’d be left with no chance at all. I’d been telling myself that I was waiting for the right opportunity to come along, and now I was forced to ask myself if this was it.
So I looked at Jackson and tried to imagine a life with the three of them, a life where I was the mother of werewolves. A life where I was loved and remembered, a life where I mattered. I took a long, lingering gaze back towards the Rainbow Bar and knew that I would never find that kind of life there. I probably wouldn’t find it anywhere else other than with Jackson and his brothers. I’d already learned that I hadn’t been missed, so that seemed like a sign that my destiny lay elsewhere. I had spent more years around the Rainbow Bar than I liked to admit, and now I realized that my life wouldn’t change unless I forcibly made the change. It was time, I knew it in my heart, and all I had to do was go with Jackson.
Without saying anything I stepped towards him and he smiled. He had me. He had the woman he had picked out to be the mother of wolves, and while I wasn’t sure if I was ready to go through with the whole thing I was at least open to the possibility of it. He led me to his bike and I got on, ready to return to the cabin and leave behind the Rainbow Bar, the place that I thought had been home, but had actually just been a cesspool that had fooled me into thinking I belonged.
18
I held onto him tightly, wrapping my arms around his broad chest as we drove back. His bike was far more powerful than the one I had stolen, and I could feel it tremor all through my body. We sped through the night and dipped as we went around corners, the rush of adrenaline coursed through my body and made me feel light-headed. I felt around Jackson’s body and rested my hand against his injury, although he didn’t wince or show any sign that he was hurt. I was intrigued by the abilities of these werewolves. It must have taken a great deal to kill them, and it made me scared of Ishmael. My survival instinct told me to stay away from them and remain safe, because going with them opened me up to being under threat from Ishmael, but I knew I was at harm no matter what, even if I had stayed at the Rainbow Bar. At least this way I might do something meaningful with my life.
We rode back along the road but the journey didn’t seem to take half as long as it had when I had been driving, and I realized that there had been no danger of me escaping at all. Jackson would have known that I would return to the Rainbow Bar because I had nowhere else to go, and even if I had gone back to Harper’s or somewhere else he would have been able to track me using my scent. The more I thought about them and the way Jackson had shifted the more intrigued I was. They were so powerful, so magical, and so deadly. I had never met anyone like them before and I doubted I would meet anyone like them again. There were so many questions I had for them, although they would have to wait. I wondered if I would ever see the three of them in full flow, and I have to admit that being the matriarch of a group of powerful werewolves was intoxicating. To think that me, a normal girl, could give birth to such amazing creatures…it was incredible to think how far I could come really, although I was going to try and keep these sentiments to myself as long as possible as I didn’t want to let them know that I was seriously considering the proposal.
I wondered what it was like for them to change, to have this secret ability inside them that they could explore whenever they wanted. There were so many times in life when I would have loved to have been able to change into a powerful monster and scare the lives out of whoever was threatening me. I could almost imagine the looks on my parents’ faces if I could have been able to change into a wolf and scare the living daylights out of them, scare them into fixing their mistakes and becoming better parents. It seemed as though they had the whole world at their fingertips, and I almost wished there was a way for me to become a werewolf, but I assumed not since that was part of the vampire mythology (and I did start wondering if there was any truth behind that and other things as well, but I decided to focus on werewolves for the time being).
We returned to the cabin and Jackson led me back inside. He pulled off his jacket and I saw that his wound was no longer dressed.
“I have to say that your ability to heal is impressive,” I said.
“It comes in handy,” he replied.
“Ah, you caught the stray,” Logan said, sauntering in from the kitchen. “Jamie is pretty cut up about what you did though. He’s in his room, he’s, well, he’s embarrassed.”
“I do regret what I did, but you can’t blame me for trying to escape. It’s not as though you gave me much choice,” I replied, starting to regret my decision to come back if they were just going to hold escaping against me.
“Logan, why don’t you go and see to Jamie. I have a feeling Millie and I have a few things to work out. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of here, and I think it’s important to have a fresh start. I’m sure that Millie and Jamie can straighten things out by themselves as well. He’s a good kid and we all have to learn about women at some time or another.”
I smirked at this and Logan walked out of the room. Logan poured me a drink, this time it was something a little stronger than orange juice. I sipped the whiskey and we both gave an approving nod, letting the sharp taste linger in our throats.
“That’s the good stuff,” I said.
“I’ve been saving it for a special occasion. Now then, since we’re back here, is there anything you’d like to ask me?”
I had a million questions, most of them about the abilities of werewolves, but then I remembered what Logan had said to me. “Who is Lilah?”
Jackson was about to take a sip of his drink but he stopped and looked at me directly. His brow furrowed almost imperceptibly, and then he finished his drink, draining the glass dry. He licked his lips and arched an eyebrow.
“I figured Logan would probably tell you that,” he said. “It’s a long story.”
“It seems we have plenty of time, and we’ve all got a sob story or two in our past. Was she the love of your life?”
“Actually yes, she was,” he said. I didn’t expect him to say that, but now I was even more intrigued to hear the story. “It was a long time ago, when I was younger. I was the eldest child of the leader of the clan, and as such much was expected of me. I didn’t think too much of it of course, because I saw it as my birthright. I was the strongest, the fastest, and I was eager to follow in my father’s footsteps and make him proud. I thought that as long as I did everything he told me to I would be the same type of wolf as he was, and then I fell in love. Lilah was…she was everything really. She made me laugh, she made me strong, she spoke with wisdom, and she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. We spent our days running through the forest and used to end up in all kinds of forgotten places, and we shared our secret vows and made love under the moon. We were completely in love and nothing mattered more to me than she did, but we were both young, and there was more of life to explore.”
His head hung, and I got the distinct impression that this story didn’t have a happy ending.
“I knew where my destiny was going to lead me. I was going to lead the clan, teach the younglings about our history, and defend the clan against our enemies. I just assumed that Lilah was going to stand by my side and support me. But I was wrong. It seemed she had other plans for her life, plans that she didn’t consult me about until it was too late…I mentioned before how some wolves decided to live in human society to forge opportunities for themselves and try to integrate themselves into a different future. Lilah was one of them. She wanted to open up our world and become a part of the future. She saw how backwards we were, and how isolated we were against the current expansion of society. On her trips she had seen how humans had advanced and just how much we lacked compared to them.
I and others didn’t mind so much, but Lilah knew that as more time passed we’d only fall further and further behind. She wanted us to take steps to be a part of the future, not to be left behind. She tried to explain her reasoning to me over and over again, but I didn’t listen. I was brash and arrogant, and I believed that it was my right to have her by my side if I so wished, because I was the chief in waiting, and my will dominated others. Lilah didn’t take too kindly to that. It soon became clear that our futures were not aligned and where we had spent most of our time making love we were now spending it arguing. I tried to reason with her, to explain why she should stay, and she tried to tell me why I should come with her.
It soon became apparent that our destinies were going to be divorced from each other and we weren’t going to stay together. Our love had bloomed, but winter had fallen and had made our love dusty and dry. She left the clan to live in society, disappearing into the world of humans. She said goodbye to me, but instead of saying goodbye I once again tried to convince her to change. She would not, and I blamed her for this. I told her that I would never forgive her, and that if she left she would not be welcome back. I don’t know what I was thinking. I knew it wouldn’t work to bring her back because she was a willful person, strong and stubborn, and it only served to push her away. I often think back to that moment and I wish I had handled it differently because I would have loved to have kept in touch with her, but she left me that day, and whatever love I had left with her. So you see, I’m not exactly the best role model for a parent either. I learned in that instant that it took more to be the chief of the clan than just mere brute strength and right by blood. I tried to learn how to be a good leader, and I’m still learning now. You may have your doubts, but I have mine too.”
I listened to his story patiently and found it quite moving. To think that he had had a chance at love and had pushed her away, just as I had pushed so many people away. I was starting to see the layers in his personality and was becoming aware why he placed so much pressure on himself to be a good leader.
“I suppose you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be like your father, and I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to be different than my parents.”
“Exactly,” he said.
“What about Lilah, did you never seek her out again and try to reconnect?”
