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Chill out. It’s an open window. Now you’re thinking that someone other than Tim broke in, stayed here all night, and then snuck out through the window instead of the front door? You’re safe. There’s no way Tim knows we’re here or would bother with something so tame. And who else has a reason to come in here? That settles it. You forgot to close it.
From under the butcher block, I grabbed a mixing bowl. After cracking three eggs into the bowl, I added a splash of milk. Where’s the whisk? When did I use it last? Probably yesterday. On a hunch, I checked the dishwasher. Yes! Except, there was still yesterday’s breakfast stuck in between the wires. Ugh. After giving it a quick scrub, I proceeded to whip up eggs for Camille and I. Avery was definitely going to be hungry. My tits were starting to ache.
Adding quartered grapes, off-brand cereal o’s and some mashed peas to the lineup, I plated our feasts. Since the girls were still sleeping, I used the extra time to scarf down my portion of the eggs, turn on the dishwasher, wipe the counter tops, and throw a load of laundry into the dryer and hit the timed cycle. The dirty laundry couldn’t wait. This climate was too prone to mildew.
My breasts felt heavy and swollen. I have plenty of milk, so I just have to get some from the freezer before we head out. When Avery woke up at three in the morning for her usual feeding, I was able to pump out an extra bag. Despite my efforts, it never seemed like I could get ahead enough to get some sleep. I was always one or two days away from my reserves being tapped out. How am I going to keep up this pace for another year? The girls were already spending too much time in daycare. There was nothing like single motherhood to make you miss a terrible husband. Almost. Of course, even with all the work I needed to shoulder, life was still more peaceful alone. Damn him.
The silence of the early morning was deafening. When they still weren’t up after I finished cleaning up, I tested my luck with the coffee. Right after adding some pumpkin spice creamer to my cup, I swirled it with my spoon. I put the spoon down on the table, droplets spilling onto the chipped countertop. No sooner than my lips touched the mug, did Avery start to scream. It’s just as well. My tits feel like they’re going to pop. I still had to pump, feed the girls, and change their clothes before we could leave. Well, today started off great. If I could only keep the momentum going and not flirt with random people at the hospital. It is highly unethical for hospital staff to date their patients. Although lots of doctors do it. Casually even. But I guess, he wasn’t my patient. His brother was. That was a technicality, but an important one. Would it matter? You’re going to get in trouble.
I walked back in the bedroom and picked up Avery. Her chubby face was red and wet with tears. Burying my face into her neck’s fat rolls, I inhaled deeply. Powder and fresh deliciousness. How could I have made something so amazing? Her smell never gets old.
“Aww, I know baby. I’m here.” I pulled down my tank top and held her mouth to my breast. As soon as she latched on, I sat down next to Camille. She was rolling around in bed. My heart ached. I hated waking her up before she was ready. Apparently, she was completely oblivious to me infringing on her sleeping time. Her ability to get lost in her own world was impressive.
“Look Mommy I'm a starfish.” Camille’s little arms and legs pumped furiously, more snow angel than starfish.
“It’s breakfast time my little starfish.” Lord, please let this little starfish get ready so I can get to work on time. Mommy wanted to get to the hosp
ital so she could pretend to be human on no more than two hours of consecutive sleep. When I was drifting off last night, I contemplated getting up early so that I could shower and put on some makeup. So much for that. It’s probably better. Flaunting my stuff to impress patients was bound to get me in more trouble than I need in my life right now. Wes and Frank were going to get me au natural. If I had to choose only one though, Wes was definitely ahead of the game. Considering Frank spent most of the time asleep, I couldn’t really be too quick to judge though.
Wes was cute. Really cute, in a very strange way. He was also very shy. It was odd for a man as attractive as him to be shy. And also, someone as attractive as him to be attracted to me or wear those odd clothes. It was almost as if he was from another time period. Instead of a t-shirt and jeans, or sweatpants, or any of the dozens of outfits that paraded through the hospital halls, the man was wearing suspenders, a button up shirt, and a bowtie. Who did he think he was, Jay Gatsby? I’m surprised he didn’t ask me where the shoeshine stand was. What a geek. And his hair. His awful hair. It looked like it was coated in tar. The slick back was in shocking contrast to his face. It’s like he packed a wedding cake in a plastic grocery bag. My eyes rolled just thinking about it. Never in my life have I been attracted to such a weirdo. Maybe I am turning over a new leaf. It’s not like my romances with bad boys have paid off much.
I peeked at Camille. She was squishing her grapes between her fingers before popping them delicately into her cherry red mouth. She’s eating. It’s fine. That’s a battle for another day. She shot a toothless grin in my direction. My heart lifted. It was going to be okay. My past wasn’t squeaky, but whose was? I only need to be the best mom I can. I reached out and touched her cheek. Kids don’t care if their highchair is second hand or their home is rented instead of owned. Love is all they need. And all you need.
Was finding love a possibility with two small children? You’re luminous. How embarrassing. Cringe-worthy. But it stirred something inside of me. Tim only called me sexy or hot. And that was usually while he was trying to get into my pants. Wes isn’t going to be giving any inspirational Ted Talks with cheesy lines like that. Or get into my pants. Well, at least not yet. But it was refreshing. How many guys who knew exactly what to say were interested in anything other than their own agendas? Most guys don’t listen. They wait for me to finish speaking so they can tell me how great they are. I felt like I could talk to Wes for hours. Frank listened, but he mostly stared at me and gave me a dopey smile before passing out. He still wasn’t past the pass out phase from the drugs he was taking for pain. And I’m never alone with Jared, but I’m alone with Wes a lot.
Frank passes out and Jared gets bored, and then we have our private time. There is no pressure because I’m at work and his unconscious brother essentially ensures that we need to keep it light. It’s as if we’re both simply dancing with each other, our bodies pressed closely on the dance floor, but music blaring ensures intimacy is out of the question. Close, but not. Intimate, but only to a certain point. We’re inches away from something; I can feel it. But those clothes. A few times a week, he shows up dressed like he’s attending a costume ball. Is he in a play or something? An aspiring actor? That would be cute if he was twenty-five, but he looks about thirty-five. I can’t bear to ask about it. The wrong answer would spoil the fantasy. It’s easier to keep them at arm’s length. Then reality can’t break my heart.
Aside from Wes’s weird hair and awful clothes, his presence was inviting. His smile was bright, his teeth shiny and white. Almost unexpectedly blinding. They all shared the same moon-filled smile. It was like light shone outwards from their faces. The moon? Ugh. What are you a twelve-year-old girl lusting after a teenage vampire? Seriously, you’re gushing over how they all look, when their brother was busted up by a biker gang. You’re a professional. Get it together. It’s your patient and his family. You can’t afford to lose this job. Especially over a flirtation.
I thought about our conversation yesterday. When I walked into Frank’s room, the boys lowered their voices to a whisper. The only words I could make out was “cash” and “loan”. Hospital bills were a stressor to every patient’s family. Jared nodded at me, spoke a few words in Frank’s ear. I noticed his arm slide delicately across my back as he squeezed between Frank’s bed and me on his way out. He was just the right amount of cheeky. Guys pulled moves like that in the bar all day long. A hospital setting wasn’t that different was it? Wes and Frank smiled at me, but their faces were clouded over. Whatever they were discussing with Jared, it bothered them. I made sure to flirt a little extra, wanting to yank them from whatever realities were weighing them down. Wes and Jared might put on a tough front, but to have your brother assaulted must be infuriating. And terrifying.
They were lucky in a way. Not knowing how close they came to losing their brother. A couple inches to the right or left and he would be dead. That’s all it takes; a millimeter over to nick an artery, an inch to the left into organ failure. Most people walk around every day without realizing how many near death experiences they escaped. The world was a dangerous place. I know, because I spent years living like I was immortal. Most people also idealize superheroes, police, and military. Unfortunately, I’ve learned that we’re all on our own. After living in that world, I knew better than to expect the police to step in. They didn’t want to get involved any more than anyone else did. It was too dangerous. For whatever reason, our town was a staked claim. And we were going to have to ride it out. How many people would they hurt before they decided to move on? They weren’t going to stop until they got what they wanted. Whatever that was. Would Wes’s brother know? I wondered whether he was better today. The poor guy was in for a painful recovery. Movement jolted me out of my reverie. My insides squirmed with guilt. I wasn’t paying attention to Camille while she was eating. Her food was mashed, and she loved to spoon her plateful of fruit or veggies into her gummy smile. Using the miniscule spoon to feed herself took a mind-numbing amount of time, but the small amount of independence kept her quiet for a half an hour or so.
I examined the damage. Any time I broke concentration, Camille made sure I regretted it. Camille’s food was on her face for the most part. My nipple was still in Avery’s mouth and her hand was underneath my breast. Avery’s eyes fluttered with sleep. She always passed out after getting her fill. I placed a brief kiss on her forehead. After scooting the car seat from under the dining table, I buckled her in. If only Wes could see me now. His crush would go straight out the window. Maybe I could have a little fun and flirt this morning. And then drop the kid bomb on him. Better to get it out of the way. Besides, he was flirting only as a way to distract from his brother’s condition. I’m sure as soon as Frank gets better, the thrill will wear off and my days at the hospital will go back to normal. My heart clenched at the thought. If I texted Kassie, would she tell me what’s up? The hospital was becoming a dumping ground for all things biker these days. Violence was spiking and the hospital was getting slammed.
I checked my phone. It was time to go. Camille held her arms out. I unbuckled her from the seat and pulled her out. I noticed a bit of egg smeared on her collar. I forgot the damn bib. Too late now, we were going to have to leave. I threw everything into the diaper bag, grabbed my keys, and picked up the girls. I took one last look around at the apartment. It was small, but cozy. It would do for now. Someday, I was going to get the girls a big house with a backyard. Maybe a pool. A couple trees for a swing. And a dog. When we climbed into the car, my dashboard clock read six-thirty.
Miraculously, the girls were quiet. Maybe I should go out with Wes. When was the last time you went on a date? Never. Probably never. I mean maybe an un-date. A girl does have needs. What harm could it do? I mean, he seemed exactly the opposite of the bad news guys I was usually attracted to, something different for once. The victim. The innocent guy. The one that biker’s beat up. Perhaps your luck can change. I hit the button for the garage. Holding my breath, I prayed the motor didn’t wake the girls.
Halfway through, I noticed a motorcycle parked right up against the driveway. My heartbeat quickened. Dark wash jeans. Black t-shirt. Square jaw and curly blonde hair. I watched, frozen in agony, as the garage door lifted to reveal the man who had changed my life irreparably. Tim had found us. My head began to throb. I rubbed my wrist, the memory of Tim’s painful grip searing my skin. What am I going to do? I can’t get out of the car. Would he hurt me in broad daylight? In front of the neighbors? I glanced back into the rearview mirror. The glint of the sunlight off his sunglasses caused my throat to tighten. How many times had I looked into his eyes and accepted less than I deserved? Less than our babies deserve? He is their father but I am their mother and it is my job to keep them safe. And I have two choices, flip the car in reverse and back over my daughter’s father, or stay here and risk his manipulation. He promised that if I ever left him, he would hunt me down and do to me what Big Mac did to his last two girlfriends; dump their lifeless bodies on a street corner with a needle in their arm. Despite the fact that they didn’t have any drug habits and their only crime was falling in love with a sociopath. I can’t go back. He’s hurt me for the last time. And I promised. Anything to keep the girls safe. Before I lost my nerve, I put the car into reverse and lifted the parking brake. Forgive me.
Chapter 4
Frank
The Wild Man – He’ll do anything for his gang.
“I need her. Tell me how to do this.” Wes pleaded. His eyes were pleading, frantic. Only my brother could combine storybook romance desperation with determination in a non-creepy way. What was the hurry? She was clearly interested in him; it was written all over her pretty face. Unless she looked at all of her patients like that. But I doubt it.
“Here I am busted and broken and you’re making google eyes at my nurse.” Not that I didn’t understand why. She was gorgeous in an unassuming way. Jen had no idea what a looker she was. And how much we were already smitten with her. Jared was sure to try his luck with my nurse. She was his type. Breathing. All girls were Jared’s type. And Jared was all girl’s worst nightmare, which they endlessly pursued. I learned long ago that life was unfair.
“You know Jared took care of it.” Wes spat out his words in exaggerated disgust.
That was one thing about being a triplet. Imagine that nagging voice inside your head that pulls you in two different directions. Mine were living outside my head as well. Wes looked towards the floor. There was something different about him lately. He sometimes came along for the fights, but I knew his heart wasn’t in it. It never was. After everything we’d been through together
, I could see why. Prioritizing our pack took a lot of energy and dedication. Wes’s true place was to be in the shop taking apart something mechanical or putting it back together. He always loved to fix things. How long can you expect someone to push on unfulfilled? I knew he was frustrated, but he also cared. He was too mushy for bashing skulls. I clearly remember getting a few shots to the kidneys last night. Or was that Jared? My memories blurred into one another. I wish I could ask Wes, but he wasn’t there when I got my skull crushed. It wasn’t his fault, but it surely would have been beneficial to have another guy on my side. If Jared was here, he would lecture him about loyalty and duty. But, I’m not Jared. I knew that Wes was outside of his comfort zone on our night’s out. And he never started fights, so it was never his job to finish them. And, if he wasn’t going to bring it up, I was going to pretend that I didn’t remember.
Of course, even though it’s his fault that I’m in here, Jared was nowhere to be found. I’m sure he’s wrapping up a scheme, talking someone out of their money or into something bad for them. Jared always came out on top. He was constantly making messes that Wes and I had to deal with. It was like we didn’t have our own lives. We all lived towards one purpose. Jared’s will. And look where loyalty got me. Again. All the girls in the world couldn’t keep Jared satisfied. No matter how many we kept around, he was always grasping for others.
