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“No, not really,” he replied, and she could swear there was a sadness in his voice. “Not everyone does. And only those lucky ones get them. But then, you have to watch out so that something bad doesn’t happen to them, and that is so hard, so very, very hard...”
He was talking, but it seemed that he wasn’t telling her this. His gaze was aimed somewhere far, far away, somewhere where Rene wasn’t allowed to go. His thoughts were traveling far beyond this little room and they envisioned things which Rene didn’t know about.
“Oh, sorry…” he suddenly said, aware that he was starting to make her feel uncomfortable, “don’t mind me, I tend to get these deep, brooding moments where I see only the worst in human kind. Jesse already warned me about this and he also said that I shouldn’t do it anymore.”
“Why?” she asked. “Life isn’t all good, and it’s also not all black and white.”
He eyed her strangely, as if the last thing he expected of her was to agree with him, to understand him. Now, they were on the same wave lengths, their perception of life resounding loudly within the other.
“And, I think that only those who have felt pain and hardship on their skin can truly understand what you mean,” she continued. “I don’t know him at all, but he doesn’t seem like the type of guy who’d know anything about hardship in life.”
“Jesse?” Hyde asked her.
“Yes,” she nodded.
“You’d be surprised,” Hyde revealed to her, realizing exactly why she’d say that. “He just hides it well, but believe me, he’s seen some horrible things. We both have.”
A flash image of Jesse appeared in her mind. Casual, nonchalant, grinning Jesse, always ready to crack a joke. He looked like he didn’t have a care in the world. Still, she knew that some people were better at hiding their emotions than others. It was a skill like any other, a skill one could pick up if he needed to, one she always envied others for.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” Rene sighed sadly, “about both of you.”
“What about you?” he continued. “I can see it in your eyes.”
“What can you see?” she wondered.
“Life hasn’t been easy for you either.”
“Well, is there anyone in this world who can say that?” she asked, trying to detach herself from the answer, but it was obvious that he was able to read her like an open book.
She didn’t like that. She wanted to keep her secrets hers, locked up in her closet. She didn’t want help. She hated it when others assumed that she needed help, that she expected to get it just because she was a girl. She absolutely hated that.
“No, but you didn’t let it crush you,” he continued, speaking slowly and deliberately, as if he wanted to make sure that she understood exactly what he was trying to say with this.
“I’ve seen too many crushed people,” she told him, “I realized I never wanted to become like that.”
“That’s a good decision,” he nodded, “a tough decision.”
“What about you?” she dared poke the sleeping lion.
If he was allowed to ask these kinds of questions, why wouldn’t she be? Same rules applied for everyone - that was what she always believed.
“What about me?” he repeated the question, playing dumb.
“You appear to be sad sometimes,” she mentioned, hoping she didn’t step over the line.
His brows came together in a frown and his lips pressed against each other. That lasted only for a few seconds, then his face relaxed once again. He wasn’t smiling, but he wasn’t frowning either.
“Sometimes, I can feel my bones straining under the heavy weight of all the mistakes I’ve made,” he told her in what appeared to be the utmost confidence. “It’s a feeling I can’t escape. When that sadness washes over me, no matter how many deep breaths I take, that heavy feeling doesn’t go away. It never fully disappears, I think. It just hides for a while, lays low, then comes back with a vengeance when you least expect it.”
Listening to him, she could feel her own heart aching. What could be those mistakes he was talking about? His divorce or was he talking about something else? She wanted to hug him, to wrap her arms around him and tell him everything would be alright.
Neither of them spoke. In a world that never seemed to stop talking, Rene welcomed this sudden silence. That was when she was able to hear, really hear the person sitting next to her or across from her. That was when the words previously said had their biggest power. Silence is never empty, it is never a cause of separation on its own. It was us who made it bad, who made it negative. The essence of silence was and always would be, to speak when words were unable to convey the message in the right way.
Suddenly, this pregnant silence was broken by the sound of running footsteps, tapping against the hardwood floor. A second later, and a curly head peeped curiously through the door.
“Rene!” Parker shouted, surprised to see her there.
“Good morning,” she smiled back. “Long time no see.”
