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“I don’t like stepping out of my comfort zone. It’s uncomfortable.”
“Babe. Captain Von Trapp has the flu. It’s bad.”
“Fuck no.”
“Yes. And I think you’ll fit?”
“Abso-fucking-lutely not.”
“Just hear me out, baby.”
“I don’t fucking know the lines.”
“Yes, you do. You’ve been at every rehearsal since the beginning of the term!”
“That’s not the point! Bring in the understudy!”
I cross my arms. “Understudy? This is an all-ages production at a wee little academy. Not Broadway. Besides”—I uncross my arms and walk my fingers up his chest—“you’ll look extra sexy in lederhosen.”
Vince roars, “Show me in the movie anywhere that Captain Von Trapp wears lederhosen!”
“Ha!” I point a finger in his face, not the least bit intimidated. “You have seen the movie! You do love this story! In your face! You are doing this show, Grumpy Man! You’ll be perfect! No sexier grumpy dad ever existed in this world than Captain Von Trapp. This…this is your destiny.” All right, I went too far at the end, complete with a reverent tone and a raised eyebrow.
Vince grunts, he growls, he mutters, he roars, he stubs his toe on the gazebo, he curses, but at the end of all that, my baby does this for me.
Turns out, Captain Von Trapp’s costumes are only slightly too small, and my genius helper, Hunter, is able to take out a seam here and lengthen a cuff there to make things work. More or less.
Whatever. It’s absolutely adorable. And all that green with his strawberry-blonde hair? Forget about it. I am soaked.
After much consoling of both him and of our high-school-aged Maria Von Trapp, who needed assurances that she wouldn’t be kissing the weird, angry man who replaced her hunky rugby-playing boyfriend, everybody seems happy.
Although we slashed the script severely so Vince wouldn’t have to sing any solos, he goes ahead and sings “Edelweiss” just before they all escape the Nazis.
It is beautiful. It is unbelievable. It brings the audience to tears.
And just like that, it’s over, and he gets a standing ovation, along with Max. All the older Von Trapp sisters grab the little guy up in their arms. I can see he’ll be preoccupied for a while.
“Come on,” I say as I grab Vince after his final bow and begin to lead him backstage.
“Where are we going?” he protests. I’m starting to think he really liked taking his bows.
“To the prop room. Step lively, Captain, and bring your whistle, because it’s about to get blown.”
“Whoa! I was not expecting you to say that,” he replies.
We march down into the bowels of the auditorium, where I haul him into the prop room and lock the door.
He laughs when I shove him up against an old set piece from Guys and Dolls. I point in his face. “That was the sexiest damn thing I have ever seen in my damn life and you earned yourself a good old-fashioned dick suckin’.”
Vince grabs me up and kisses me softly. “Jewel Fairhope. I love you so much. Will you marry me?”
“I love you too, and yes.”
30
Vince
Holy. Shit.
