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He just kind of smiled and agreed. I hated the way he looked because it told me the truth that I didn't truly want to know. He knew more about Amber than I would have liked. He knew how to please her and what she liked. He knew all of the things that only I should know.
“Yeah, she is. I really messed up with her. Should have tried harder to hold onto her.”
He told me what I wanted to know, but he didn’t even know himself. I had several addresses to check out and I hoped that she was at one of them.
Before I left, Tommy apologized about everything and told me to do right by Amber because she deserved it.
“Don’t fuck it up like I did. Trust me, you’ll regret it.”
Hell, I already did.
39
Amber
As time passed, life was not at all what I had expected. I had thought that surely it had to get better. I had lost the man that I loved, but there had to be something good that would come out of it. I needed something good to come out of it all. Our baby was the bright spot, but also a dark shadow that loomed.
I moved to a small town a few states over. I had heard about it from a friend of mine and even though they didn't live there anymore, when I was trying to decide where to go, it was the place that sounded right to me. He had described it in such a nice way.
At first, I thought that I had made the wrong decision because the place was so small and there probably wouldn't be any opportunities to get a job, but I had one the first day. After that, things just started falling into place like Asheville was where I was supposed to be. My life wasn’t on the track I’d expected, but maybe I was where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing. I really needed to believe that. It made all of the losses easier to deal with.
I still thought about Frank a lot, and more than the few nights that we slept together, I thought about his hesitation when he was on the phone with Tommy. If he would have just said that he wanted me, I wouldn't have left, and right now we would be celebrating the fact that we were going to have a child together. That was how I always saw my future when I was pregnant, with the child’s father, the man I loved. Not this. Not this hate that he had for me. I didn't even know what I was supposed to do about it. He just didn't want me. That was a hard pill to swallow.
Sadly, I just couldn't get over it. I was so into him, it was really remarkable; I couldn't stop thinking about him and instead of anything going the way it was supposed to, nothing had gone my way.
Frank didn’t want me and now I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do. I knew what I couldn't do. I couldn't rely on him to want this baby. He didn’t want me, so why would he want our child? He didn't trust me with his own child. I couldn't even really say how painful that was, that he hadn't trusted me with Alice, like I would somehow do anything to help get her hurt. I wouldn't. I cared for her, more than I thought I could care for anybody.
When I wasn't thinking about the problems of the past, I was stuck there. I needed to move forward, focus on me and the baby. I was so nervous to be doing it by myself. I knew that it was going to be hard, but at the same time, I knew that it would be worth it. The only thing that I truly didn't understand was how I was going to be able to do it all. I was worried that being a single mother wouldn't be as good as if the child had more than one parent. I knew it wasn't ideal, not by a long shot, but what else could I do? I really didn't know what I was supposed to do. I knew that Frank had made his decision, so now I just had to live with it, even if it felt impossible to do.
After a long work week, I was getting ready for the next one, when I heard a knock at the door. I wasn't sure who it was, but I wasn't ready for company. I was in my nightgown and I was actually reading in bed.
“Who is it?”
I figured it was a girl from down the way. There were lots of people that I had met while I'd been living here, and I had made a few good friends. That's not what this was though. As soon as I heard a familiar voice on the other side of the door, I just kind of froze. What was I supposed to do now?
What the hell was Frank doing here?
I asked him as much and he just kind of chuckled. “Did you really think that it was going to be that easy to get rid of me?”
I just kind of looked at the door because I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I didn't want to talk to him, maybe I did, but one thing I knew for certain was, I didn't want him to know that I was pregnant. It just felt like the worst thing to say and do. He didn't need to know that I was a mess without him. He didn't need to know that I was carrying his child. How could any of that end well, especially after he had made it quite clear before that he wanted to have nothing to do with me?
I was stupid to think that it could be any other way, and that moment of happiness that came over me was honestly just a cruel joke. I couldn't believe that my heart would still race at the sound of his voice. I had it bad when it came to Frank. Sad thing was, I knew he didn’t. I knew that he had this sort of control over me and no matter how badly I wanted to fight it, I had never been able to.
“This isn't a good time, Frank.”
“Well, I don't really care if it is or not because I'm not going anywhere until you open the door. I had to go through a lot to get this address and this is actually the fifth one I've tried, so you are going to have to make it a good time.”
I wanted to ask him if he was so worried about me why he hadn't come sooner and why he hadn't gotten me from Tommy when he had the chance. Tommy had given him the chance and instead of doing the right thing and trying to help me get free, instead he had basically thrown me away. I couldn't forget that. It’s not like I could deaden the silence. I wished I could honestly because it haunted me.
I had to open the door. He wasn't going to go away, but damn I wanted him to. I really wanted the two of us to actually get along, I wanted to tell him the truth about the baby, but what if he didn't take it well? What if he wanted to take the baby from me?
I didn't know why I kept thinking that. It's not like I thought he was capable of it, but I think at the same time, it was my biggest fear come to life. I didn't worry about much else, there was no point, but the baby growing inside of me had changed a lot. It changed the way I thought of things and while I knew he was a great father, I was scared for what that would mean. He was an upstanding citizen, a doctor and what not. What was I? None of those things.
“You can't just pop up like this. You need to call first.”
“You made sure that I didn't have your number. I’m telling you, Amber, I'm not leaving until you open the door and talk to me. I think you at least owe me that much.”
He was playing the guilt card and it was the right one. I felt horrible about all of it and he could tell.
