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I smiled and looked away. “Probably a little bit of both.”
“I don't know if I like this difference. You're quiet and you seem to be a million miles away. Why don't you tell me what's really going on?”
“You basically know the gist of it. Crazy girl carving into my car, getting my friends beat up. I don't know, it's just a mess, isn't it?”
“But what is really bothering you?”
“What's really bothering me is I really wanted this to work. I wanted this to be the fresh start that we keep talking about, and it didn't turn out that way at all. I guess I'm just disappointed more than anything else.”
“Well, disappointment is just part of life.”
“I know, I hear that all the time from dad. This time though, it is just harder to get past, I guess. I'm sure I will. I'm sure that Dennis will become my memory and none of this will matter anymore.”
“You talk like you're not going to go back to school.”
“I don't know if I am. I thought that it would be this great experience and well, it’s not. I do need to get my degree to finish up and go to work doing what I want in Maine, but I can actually do it there. I've already been in contact with some people. It would not be that hard to just go early. I'm thinking after the new year and to just start fresh. I can finish up my last couple of credits and get right to work. They already hooked me up with a job before I even get my diploma.”
“Oh, so you really have been busy this week. I've seen you on the phone a lot, Kimberly. I didn't realize that you were getting all this together. You really are like your mom.”
I know that Christine was bringing her up because we both missed her, but I didn't want to think about my mom. I wanted to believe that everything was going to be okay, but thinking about her definitely did not put me in that sort of mood. It made me realize that the most important person, the one that I would go to for anything, was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. I was feeling a lot of helplessness and frustration lately.
After talking to my aunt for a little bit, I realized that I had put my plan in place. It was a plan before I even realized it was, before I recognized that this was going to happen. Now though, I wondered if I would be able to let this life go. It had only been a couple of months after all. How hard could it be to get over a couple of months?
* * *
My aunt wantedme to stay for Christmas. It was only a couple weeks away, but I was ready to move forward. I had been there for a few weeks and while I had thought about staying for the holidays, the place that I had rented in Maine was open and I could start work immediately. The rest of it, the rest of the schooling that I needed for my diploma, could be figured out later. It was an opportunity to run and I wanted to do so full force.
I was actually excited about the move. It was not going to be easy, but I knew deep down that it would be the best thing for me. I needed a change of scenery, a fresh start. My dad said that we would get a fresh start this time when we moved, and I had done so because he was my only parent left. I wasn't ready to completely walk away, not after losing mom a few years back.
Now though, I knew that this was the fresh start that I needed. I was now on the other side of the country and I wouldn't have to worry about anything else. I could get right into the career that I'd wanted since I was a kid, and dgo to the sea for the first-time off of the Florida Keys. This was what I had always wanted, and it was all coming together. I don’t know why I wasn’t more excited than I was. I should have been.
There was a heaviness that followed me to Maine, even as I looked at the cute little one-bedroom house that I had rented online. It was exactly what I wanted and there was a quaintness that made me feel at home. It was only a rental that I had for six months, just to see how everything went, but I already felt better than I had in quite a while. It had the potential to be my new home.
