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Penny never wanted to be involved in our matching costumes every year, always content to do her own thing. This was just something special my dad and I shared. Year after year of costumes flip through my mind like the pages of a photo album, and with Ford sitting next to me, massaging away the stress in my neck, I can smile over the memories instead of cry.
“He was a good dad. It’s okay to miss him,” Ford reassures me again after a few quiet minutes.
“I know.” I nod, watching my family line-dancing at the cemetery when “Fancy Like” starts playing over the speaker, because of course they do. “But they need to do this stupid stuff to feel better, and I want them to have that.”
“What about whatyouwant?”
At this point, I don’t even know what I want anymore. I’m so used to going along with my family that I’ve never really given myself time to think about whatIwant. What if I don’t actually prefer meaningless sex with no strings attached? What if I’ve only been following the Tanner rules all these years just to keep the peace? What if I could have Ford here with me every month of the year?
Why does eventhinkingthese things suddenly make me feel like I can’t breathe?
“Can we talk about something else please?”
Ford’s hand slowly drops from the back of my neck, his palm sliding down my spine and leaving a wake of goose bumps behind, until he leans back on his hand in the grass.
“Got it. Change of subject.” He thinks for a few seconds, while I take another sip of my moonshine, and my family continues to dance, sing, and inhale ribs at a cemetery. “So, you didn’t sleep with Nolan?”
I immediately start choking on the drink I took, coughing a few times before I turn my head to scowl at Ford. “It’sNoah.”
“Don’t give a shit what his name is.”
“Why do you give a shit about him at all?”
He suddenly leans in close, face a few inches away from mine, his eyes so serious as they stare at me it makes my heart start pounding faster.
“Because I like my sleep.” Not the answer I was expecting, and I bark out a laugh at the absurdity of it, until he continues. “And I don’t like losing it when I can’t stop thinking about another man’s fucking hands on you.”
What in the hell did my sister put in this moonshine? Am I hallucinating?
“What are you doing?” I whisper the same question I asked him at the town meeting, my voice shaking and my breath panting out of me the longer he stares at my mouth and doesn’t pull back.
“What’s the real reason you don’t like the baked goods?” he fires back instead of answering me.
Because I hate worrying that some other woman might catch your attention with carrot cake.
Because it makes me physically ill thinking you might sleep with someone over snickerdoodles.
Because it makes my chest hurt wondering if you’ll walk away over walnut maple brownies.
“There’s your answer.” Ford nods at my face when I remain quiet and bite down on my bottom lip to keep all of those stupid words inside. “Just waiting for you to trust me.”
“Ford!” my mom interrupts, making me jerk my head back from him as she grabs Ford’s hand and helps him up from the ground. “Make yourself useful and start setting up the fireworks.”
He walks away with a sigh to do her bidding. Once he’s gone, I feel like I can breathe again as I look up at my mom, who’s holding her hand above her eyes to shield them from the sun.
“You okay, hon?”
I smile at her and nod, even though I’m anythingbutokay right now. I’m not exactly lying, since she’s asking about us being here and not about the fact that Ford keeps scrambling my brain.
“You’ve always had a bigger heart than the rest of us. Much more forgiving. You know I adore that about you, right?”
I nod again with a distracted smile, my eyes suddenly unable to be removed from Ford’s ass as he bends over on the other side of the canopy, setting up the fireworks.
My mom looks back and forth between us a few times before sighing. “He’s looking at you differently this year.”
“No, he doesn’t! Isn’t… not….” I trail off lamely, unable to find the right word, considering my mom noticed something I thought was all in my head.
“Don’t make bad choices,” she reminds me, making me want to screamandhurl when she cocks her head to the side to admire Ford’s ass as well. “You don’t want to wind up like me.”
