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I hope that means he didn’t hear what Mom said about him. Acid sloshes in my stomach. Holden puts a comforting arm around my shoulder and I tip my head back against his bed.
“Do you wish things were different?” I ask. “That you’d gotten to go to Ohio State, like you wanted?”
He grunts. “Yes and no. Ridgeview Community College isn’t so bad.”
“Even though you’ve been sulking about it for two semesters straight?”
He chuckles and pinches my shoulder. I punch his leg in return and he smirks at me.
“I started talking to some of the people from my classes instead of avoiding them and I realized the other day that it’s pretty freeing actually. Not having to deal with the pressure they’ve put on us.”
God, I want that. It’s like this year Mom has taken what she divided between us and put twice as much on me as her last horse in the race.
“I don’t think it’ll work out like that for me. They won’t even let me go on my road trip.”
“So take it later. Who says you have to chase everything in your life now? You’ve got time.”
I stare at the sports paraphernalia all over his room, wondering if he believed the same. “It’s not even about the trip. I just hate being smothered and never getting to do what I want. Why does my life have to be so planned out?”
Holden ruffles my hair. “Just chill.”
“Easy for you to say.” I rub my lips together. “Can I ask you something?”
It feels nice to have my brother back after he’s shut me out most of the year, but I don’t want to piss him off.
“Shoot.”
“Don’t be mad.”
He rolls his eyes. “Spit it out.”
“When Fox came back last year, why did you hang out with him?”
“Uh…” Holden blows out a breath. “I don’t know. We didn’t really go back to being friends, he just sort of became my shadow. The guy grew up to be a real dick.”
I suck on my teeth. “So what, he made you look good for the kids you shook down for money with your bets out at the quarry?” Holden’s brows fly up. “Oh, don’t give me that look. I knew exactly what was going on out there. It’s not a great kept secret when it hits the Silver Lake High rumor mill.”
He rubs at the back of his neck. “I guess. It didn’t hurt and he helped enforce the rules.” His mouth tips into a lopsided grin. “Especially when your friend Thea’s guy showed up. Dude could really lay them out.”
I didn’t care about Connor’s fighting skills, I was hungry for more about Fox. This is the first time I’ve gotten Holden to open up about him since his return. “What was he like?”
He shrugs. “Like I said, he was a dick. Didn’t talk about much—only cared about the fights, his Charger and his motorcycle.”
I’m quiet for a moment. “It’s the same one his dad had. Remember?”
“Yeah,” he says somberly, momentarily lost to the memories of our childhood. “Listen, I know you’re not going to like this, but he’s different. We were kids then. He’s not that same kid we knew at all. Got it? You should avoid him. I don’t want him messing with you.”
I almost snort, but I keep it in. Holden has missed so much while he’s been brooding over his own problems. I climb to my feet and grab my stuff, pausing at the door.
“Thanks for making me feel better.”
Holden gives me a jerk of his chin on my way out.
I go to my room. Plopping on my bed, I stare at the roadmap I pinned to the ceiling, mulling over strategies for how I’ll get closer to Fox without him realizing what I’m doing.
First I need to figure out why he only shows up to school half the time, or where he goes when he cuts out early. As far as I know, it’s random. Determination settles in my bones. Before he knows it, I’ll be inside his walls and we’ll hash out the negativity between us.
Eleven
