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“So, that guy you brought to the wedding …”
“He was at my birthday dinner too,” I reminded her, my brow pinched and my gut swirling.
“Right. The rock star.” Cassie nodded thoughtfully. “Has this happened before?”
Quickly, I turned to face her, my eyes wide with horror. “Have I cheated on Peter before?”
“Oh!” She stole her eyes from the road for a split second to look at me and shake her head. “No, no, no! I mean, um, have you and—what's his name? Darren?”
“Dylan.”
“Dylan—that's right,” she said, nodding and keeping her eyes on the road. “You guys have been together before?”
“Yeah,” I confessed. “A while ago.”
“And you still have feelings for him.” It wasn't a question; it was a statement. One that didn't warrant a reply.
There was no point in filling the air with what we both knew was true.
As much as I appreciated Cassie, pregnant and undoubtedly exhausted, crawling out of bed to pick me up, I knew I had to tread lightly. She was, after all, just as much friends with Peter as she was with me. For fuck’s sake, Peter had been Steven’s best man. Whatever I said would likely get back to the man I’d betrayed, whether through Cassie or Steven, and I felt I had to choose my words wisely.
“How long?” she finally asked, her tone soft and gentle. Understanding even.
“It's kinda complicated,” I replied, picturing a younger Dylan engulfing my television screen in his leather jacket and tattered jeans.
“It's never really as complicated as we make it out to be.”
The wisdom in her words shone brightly through the cracks in my determination to keep my emotions for him under lock and key. So, with a sigh, I crumbled and gave her the abridged version of our story. From the beginning, when I had known him from the radio and TV, to the concert on that fated day in October, to the award show and everything after. She listened intently, keeping her silence but nodding when needed, until I finished with the dirty, gruesome details of my weakness and his reluctant willpower.
“Wow,” she uttered, blowing out a deep exhale. “So, you're telling me, he's your first love.”
I scoffed incredulously, still maintaining a denial of the strength of my feelings. “I don't know if I'd say Ilovehim.”
“Okay …” She bit her lip in the darkness before asking, “Well, do you love Peter?”
Shamefully, I shook my head. “No,” I admitted in a whisper. “I wish I did; Iwantto. I'm just …”
“In love with Dylan?” Cassie suggested, glancing from the road to offer a barely there forgiving smile.
I didn't bother replying. She had her mind made up, but that didn’t make her any less wrong. Because I lusted for Dylan. IwantedDylan. My body craved him. It needed what he gave me more than it needed water, food, or air. But where was the love in that? How could there be any room for it in the middle of all this desire and infatuation?
Or could love be a part of it too?
I don't know what I want anymore.
“Peter makes me happy,” I said after several minutes of silence, answering a question she hadn't asked.
“Happiness is great, Lennon. We all want it. Hell, everybody deserves it,” Cassie replied, turning her car onto my parents' street. “But trust me, it's not enough if there's no love to keep it alive. And when you finally realize that, you'll be kicking yourself for not grabbing at the chance to be with the man you truly want.”
We pulled into my parents’ driveway, the house dark and sleeping. I knew the sound of me coming in would wake them up and they’d have questions. My gut swam with nerves at the thought. How could I tell them that I—their sweet, good daughter—had cheated on her sweet, good boyfriend with the man neither of them cared for? Would they even be surprised? My heart ached to think they wouldn’t be, that they could expect such a thing from me, but who was I kidding? They had known what was going to happen the moment Dylan stepped through the door, and that only made me despise myself more.
“Fucking slut.”
“Are you going to be okay?” Cassie asked in a caring tone that said she’d be a great mom.
I turned to look at her in the darkness and shrugged. “I don’t know,” I replied honestly. “Eventually, I guess. Right now though, I just feel like a piece of shit.”
She nodded solemnly. “You know, for what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re a piece of shit.”
