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Can you scream for me to listen?
Can you afford to let me in?”
My eyes closed to his voice and lyrics. I pulled them in and allowed the sadness of knowing I might never see him again linger close to my heart. It was such a struggle now to separate the man from the music, but, God, the music had been everything before the man even entered my life.
But the man could be everything now.
“It is so weird that you've slept with him.”
My eyes snapped open to Tarryn's voice, and I looked over to see her shaking her head with disbelief.
“Like, what is that like for you now? Can you even listen to their music?”
Laughing, I replied, “Uh, it's pretty weird, yeah.”
“Tell me, pretty baby,
What do your blue eyes see?
Just a body for you to manipulate,
Or could your love happen for me?”
A low, rumbled growl drifted from the speaker of her phone, and my flesh broke out in goose bumps. The song was about a woman who was too damaged to let the man in, no matter how much he begged to love her. She'd sleep with him, for the sake of feeling something, anything at all, but that was as far as the intimacy would go. It was all she would allow.
I always wondered if it had been inspired by truth, and I never thought I could relate to it in any way whatsoever.
But here we are.
“His voice has this weird effect on my body now,” I found myself confessing aloud, shaking my head as his electric guitar ripped through chord after chord. “Like, I know it too intimately now.”
“So, it just … instantly turns you on,” Tarryn teased, poking a finger into my ribs.
“Uh, yeah,” I replied with a laugh, nodding. “Pretty much. And it's horrible because I genuinely love the music. Even still, after everything. But it's practically ruined for me at this point, when all I can picture is him naked.”
But not completely naked.
He never let me see his lower half.
“Maybe you should give him a taste of his own medicine,” Tarryn suggested, kicking off the ground again and sailing through the air.
“What do you mean?”
“You should hook up with him,” she said. “See how much he likes it when you just disappear after using him like that.”
“Now exhausted and weary,
I'll give up this fight.
Take whatever you want,
And I'll shiver in the night.”
***
He never got back to me.
All I had sent was a simplehi. Nothing special. Nothing that warranted a lengthy reply. But he had said nothing, even three hours later, and the longer I lay in bed, awake, the deeper his silence bored into my veins, inciting a rage I hadn’t been aware I could feel.
