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I stared at the door, afraid it would magically open against my will.
He gently cupped both of my shoulders, and looked into my eyes. He was resisting the urge to shake me, I was sure.
“Merr, don’t you want to know what she wants?”
That question snapped me out of paralysis. “What she wants? I don’t care what she wants!”
“It’s just me. You don’t have to pretend that you don’t care.”
“Oh, I’m not pretending.”
A soft knock came from behind the door.
I looked at Chase, incredulous that she had the nerve to knock a second time. A familiar feeling began creeping its way through my body. It slowly pooled out over my chest, like hot lava, continuing down my arms into my fingertips. Rage and I were old friends, the kind who could pick right back up where we left off despite all the time we spent apart. What was constricting my airways before could no longer stop me as I ripped open the door.
“Get the fuck out of here!” I shouted. “Get away from this house, get off this island! I want you to get as far away from me as you possibly can!”
“Merritt, I–” she began.
“No! You don’t get to say anything!” I stepped towards her, with my index finger less than an inch from her nose. “You don’t get to say a single word to me. You don’t deserve to stand here in front of me and look me in the eyes!”
She leaned against the railing behind her as she took a step backwards. “I know you’re angry–”
“Youknow? What is it that you know, exactly? Because if you knew anything about what I went through, you wouldn’t have the audacity to come here and knock on my door!”
“What is all the yelling about?” Tanner was now standing at the bottom of the stairs.
Chase popped his head out from the doorway. “Everything is okay, Tan. Go back inside.”
“It doesn’t sound like it’s okay.” He remained where he stood, eyeing the woman standing in front of me.
“Everything will be fine once she gets the hell away from me!” I shouted into her face.
She put her hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. I’ll go.”
Chase stepped outside onto the landing. “Hold on.”
“No, Chase. Don’t,” I warned. “Let her go.”
He stood tall, with his muscular arms crossed over his chest. To anyone else, his stance would have looked aggressive; but I knew him better than that. Chase was not a hothead, like his brother below us. His dark green eyes were calm and focused.
“I just need to know. Why now?” he asked. “You ran out on your family so long ago. You left your husband to die, and you left your child to fend for herself. After all this time, why come back now?”
She cleared her throat, her eyes nervously darting from me, to Chase, then back to me again. “I heard about what happened… to your father, to you. I feel terrible that you had to experience all of that.”
“She had to experience all of that alone,” Chase interrupted. “Because of you.”
Hot tears stung my eyes, as I listened to Chase defend me.
She lowered her head. “I know. Merritt, I am so–”
I put my hand up to stop her before she could get the rest of the words out. “No. I don’t want to hear it. You don’t get to be sorry for a choice that you made. If you feel guilty, then good. I hope the guilt eats away at you. I hope it kills you, and rots your insides. Nothing you say will ever make this better. I will never forgive you for what you did to Dad.” The tears threatened to spill out over my eyelids. I could not allow them to come out. I would not give my mother the satisfaction. Quickly, I turned around, and walked back inside.
Chase remained outside. Their voices sounded muffled, and I was grateful. I did not want to hear another word uttered from her mouth. I felt embarrassed that Tanner had heard me screaming from inside his house. I wished that I did not let her get to me the way she did. I sat on the couch, hugging my knees to my chest, willing myself to stop crying in the silence of the apartment.
Several minutes passed, and finally Chase returned, closing the door behind him. He walked into the living room, running his fingers through his hair, and collapsed on the couch beside me with a sigh.
“Whatever she said, it doesn’t matter.”
