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“You said it yourself – all of your troubles began with your mother. That means they will end with her, too. You have spent your life running around your problems. Now, it’s time for you to learn how to cut through them, so that you can finally move past them.”
I took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly.
“What are you afraid of?” he asked.
I thought for a moment, searching for the words to explain how I was feeling. “Honestly, I’m scared of hearing the truth. In my mind, she left because she was a bad person. It makes it easier to blame her, to hate her, if I keep telling myself that she left because something was wrong with her.” I looked down at my feet, thinking aloud. “I’m afraid of hearing that she left because she wasn’t happy with us… with me.”
One corner of his mouth turned up, as he held my gaze.
“What?” I asked, suddenly feeling self-conscious.
“That was such an honest answer. Your progress and strength has made me so proud, Merritt.”
“Thanks. I really couldn’t have come this far without you.”
“You could have. You just need to believe in yourself. You are your biggest obstacle.”
“I think this will be my biggest obstacle.” I pulled out my phone and texted Shelly for Claire’s number. I knew she had saved it, in the hopes I would come to this very moment.
While we finished eating, I decided to text Chase, as well. I hoped I could catch him before he went on stage tonight; I hoped we could smooth things over.
As I stepped into my apartment later, my phone sounded from inside my purse. Chase was actually calling me. My stomach twisted nervously as I answered.
“Hey.”
“Hey. I saw your call. I go on in a few minutes.” He didn’t sound any different than when we had spoken hours earlier, and my heart sank.
“I’ll make it quick then. Shelly sent me the pictures from your show last night,” I began. “You look so happy in them.”
“Thanks.”
“It’s funny,” I faked a laugh. “She called me freaking out, saying that you had your arm around some blonde chick.”
“Why is that funny?”
“I… I guess it’s not. I tried to explain to her that there was probably a perfectly good explanation as to why you would be… hugging another girl like that in pictures.” I held my breath, waiting for his reaction.
“What is this about, Merritt?”
“It’s about how you have no time to talk to me, yet you have plenty of time to hang out with other girls!” I blurted out, frustrated with his shortness.
“Other girls? I perform, and girls want pictures with the band. You know what it’s like.”
“You know, I was hoping you would feel sorry for the way you spoke to me this morning, but I can see that you clearly don’t care.”
“I told you I was sorry, but maybe you didn’t catch that before you hung up on me.”
“I was mad.”
“Well, maybe I’ve been mad, too! Jesus Christ, Merritt. I am going through hell over here without you. You left. Part of me knows deep down you never wanted to come in the first place, and I know it’s my own fault for dragging you here… but I like it here! I’m happy here. I just wish you could have been happy here with me.”
I thought about the pictures. Chase’s expression exuded happiness – he was happy. He was experiencing life, and living out his dream. Then, T.J.’s words entered my mind. He was worried that I was not getting the kind of love I needed; however, I was the one who wasn’t giving Chase what he needed. It was selfish of me to try to hold on to him from afar – to drag him through everything I was going through here. I was screwed up. I was the broken one who needed fixing. Like an anchor weighing him down, I was only causing him pain. He didn’t deserve this. Moreover, I didn’t deserve him. Tears stung my eyes as the realization of what I had to do suddenly became so clear in my mind.
“I’m sorry, Chase. I know this isn’t fair to you. You deserve to be free, and have the time of your life over there. You don’t need all of my baggage bogging you down.”
“Merritt, wait.” He heaved a sigh. “That’s not what I meant.”
“You can admit it. I don’t blame you for being angry with me. You should be able to do whatever you want with your life. I don’t want to stop you.” Silent tears fell from my eyes. “Your dad told me to make sure that I help you, because he couldn’t. I thought that by going to California with you, I could help you become everything you’ve always wanted to become. But, I’m starting to see that there is only one way for me to help you.”
