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“No, Merritt,” she shook her head fervently. “You can’t let a love like that go. Believe me when I say: you will regret it for the rest of your life. I think you’re making a huge mistake.”
“When you love someone, you have to do what is best for him, even if he doesn’t see it. Chase needs someone better.”
“Better than you? I doubt that he could ever find someone that exists.”
“You’re my mom. Of course you’re going to say that.”
“I know I haven’t been around for these last important years of your life, but I still know you. I know who you are, and I know what is in your heart. Chase fell in love with you because he saw it, too. He chose to be with you, despite knowing your flaws. Nobody is perfect. Even if you think he is perfect, I can guarantee you – he is not.
Don’t beat yourself up because of the way you handled a situation. Mistakes are necessary for us to learn from. Learn from yours, and use it to become an even better version of yourself. You deserve all of the wonderful things this world has to offer. You are worthy of love. Let people love you, and above all else, love yourself.”
I felt my lip tremble as the tears surfaced.
Claire touched the palm of her hand to my cheek. “My beautiful girl, stop punishing yourself. Even if you never forgive me, I beg you to forgive yourself. It is the most important thing you can ever do.”
I wanted to remain tough – to not let her in – but I was exhausted. After all of the running I had done, my legs finally gave out. I had fought so hard to keep myself locked up in my fortress, and it was now time to let the gate down. “I am so sorry for everything,” I choked out as I sobbed. “I have been so mean to you.”
Claire immediately wrapped her arms around me, and hugged me tight. “I know how angry and hurt you were. I’m just so grateful that you allowed me to explain myself. I know it doesn’t take back any of the horrors you had to go through, and I’m so sorry for that. I wish I could do it all over again.”
“I just wish you didn’t leave. Everything might not have gotten so messed up.”
“I know. I know.” She rocked me in her arms as I cried.
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s right anymore. I just feel so lost.”
“What do you want? What is it that makes you truly happy?”
I pulled away from her, wiping my nose on the back of my hand. “It’s him. He makes me happy.”
“Then be with him. You can get through anything, and you can do it together. Everything is so much harder when you’re alone.” She looked down as a tear fell onto her lap. “I left instead of giving your father the chance to help me through my issues. I regret it every second of every day.”
“You do?”
“I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving you. I thought I was protecting you from my mess. You and your father deserved better than an alcoholic mother and wife. I told myself that I wasn’t capable of giving you what you deserved. I left in the hopes that your lives would be better because of it; but, leaving the two of you was the biggest mistake I have ever made, and I will never get to undo it.”
I reached out and took her hand in mine. “I’m sorry.”
She kissed the top of my hand. “I’m sorry, too.”
I looked into her eyes – the same eyes as mine – and I took a breath to steady my voice. “I forgive you.”
She looked back at me in disbelief. Then, she hugged me again, and we cried in each other’s arms. Years of heartache and resentment poured out of our eyes, and washed away the pain. I did not know where we would go from here, but I knew that was not the point. All that mattered was what had happened in this moment. I had allowed myself to begin to forgive her, and I would learn to forgive myself.
Eventually, I walked Claire to the door.
“Think about what you want to do,” she said. “Let me know when you decide.”
“I will.” I gave her one last hug before she stepped out onto the landing.
She hesitated when she looked down at the cement stairs, causing me to stick my head out from behind the doorway.
T.J. was sitting on the stairs, and quickly rose to his feet when he saw us. He moved out of the way so Claire could pass.
“What are you doing here?” I asked. “Is everything okay?”
“I’m fine. I came to make sure everything was okay with you.”
“How long have you been sitting out here?”
